Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Firing the Canon

If you sit in front of the higher numbered, more mary friendly music channels as often as I, you notice an awful lot of disturbing things. Most of them revolve around Christina Aquilibra, but in some cases, other things make me stop looking for boybands with their tops off or Girls Aloud and pay attention - like Liberty X’s two videos Just a Little Bit and Get Into Your Heart, where they actually run together to form a story. But, when you look again, every one of Liberty Ten’s videos go together to form a narrative whole. Unsure? Well, lets look at what we know about these mysterious creatures...

Liberty X are diabolical masterminds with a very secret plan and a fabulous Parisian hideout, and are out to do something drastic in order to change the world. Liberty X have unlimited technology at their disposal, and a whole factory dedicated to manufacturing skimpy outfits for the ladies.
And only by watching these videos may we divine the clever fiendishness of this most dangerous team, and how they intend to subvert us all...

Thinking It Over
Oddly the first video seems to be a very clever subterfuge and doesn’t feature the genius group at all. In a holographic replica of their sworn enemy Mr X’s luxury penthouse apartment, the team have banded together to find how best to infiltrate it and gain access to the curly-headed mastermind’s secret hideout below. While they run the simulation from another room, the facsimile fills with duplicate X men and women trying to jimmy the locks out of shot while they distract the party’s attendants by coquettishly singing. Note that this plan isn’t pursued, so the gang obviously go on to a more successful Plan B.

Doin’ It.
The team cavort on a warm sunny beach. While this recorded evidence seems to add nothing to the over-arching plot of Liberty X continuity, it is impressive to note that Mr Kevin is starting to balloon a little. While all claim to be exercising for their upcoming pilfering master plot, one can only assume that he misheard ‘pilates’ and has been doing ‘pielardies’ instead. The team do, however, groove down in the sand and practice some moves that will later defeat the whole impressive security system with a couple of high-kicks and lowering Mr Kevin down an air duct that puts one in mind of Augustus Gloop in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Just A Little Bit
Ah, the cream of the cream - and we’re not just referring to the cakes Mr Kevin is hoovering up while the girls jiggle so! Oh, we are wits, aren’t we? Anyway, here’s the climax of their plan, the criminal quintet they take it upon themselves to squeeze into a couple of PVC suits by using a lot of talc and two warm spoons and plan to rob the fabulous Zirconia Diamond! Gasp!
Their plan starts to reveal itself: they will use the fabulous Zirconia Diamond to go back in time and help similar underdogs come out on top, in the way that Hear’Say were trounced in their pop blandness by the wundergroup Liberty X over time. Stopped will be The Beatles and the Stones will rule. Gone will be Sweet, crowned would be Mud. And Bill Hayley would be deposed, and Perry Como would reign supreme. It’s a shocking plan, but it just might work...
Note that the gang are so confident of their criminal brilliance that they even stop mid heist to not only jiggle around in the vault, but take time to smuggle in some backing dancers! The sheer brilliant arrogance of the team - but, oh, they will get their comeuppance, you mark my words. For it’s Mr Kevin who gets his podgy little hands on the diamond as they all realise the time and run for the bus. Alas, he drops it down the sewer. It’s probably the most literal case of ‘butter fingers’ ever recorded.

Get Into Your Heart
While the jewel snatch is a semi-failure, the team use the smaller gems stolen to buy a flight to their exotic beachside hideaway to continue with their temporal experiments on a smaller crystal smuggled out between Michelle’s ample love-pillows. It almost works, but the time distortions are very local and only the island and the island’s wildlife gets affected. After the band have celebrated by splashing around in the pool just a little bit (ha!), they notice that their beach hut is besieged by gigantic moths brought forward from the Cretaceous period by their temporal tamperings, intent on devouring all cloth. The team barely escape with their life, with bravely Jessica sacrificing most of her wardrobe as they escape once again to their Paris headquarters.

Holding On For You
Still wanted by the police, the gang takes all separate planes back to Paris - but woe! They forgot to bring with them their mobile phones! Jessica discovers this after three days in a phone booth, leaving messages on them and waiting for them to call her back. She looks a state, poor love: she’s been sleeping on the floor of the airport, and is still in her giant-moth-eaten clothes. Kelly thought they were all going to meet at the bus station, and is hanging around there with a bag of giant moth killing spray and new clothes for Jessica, while Mr Tony is hanging around one of his old haunts - the subway. But woe upon woe - they can’t find to each other!
Just as Kelly finds Mr Tony in the subway station, have tracked them down! With a rye smile, Tony lets the doors close so Kelly can escape with the moth spray, but to no avail! As the video closes, they are all in police custody and evil gang’s tyranny has come to an end.

Ain’t Nobody
Any of you who have seen this video may have been shocked by the gang’s somewhat rude behaviour to a Mr Richard X. The only other inhabitant of the inner-city factory, the gang studiously ignores him, even forcing him onto a different table in the canteen during tea break. Fret not, there is a reason: Mr. X is their mortal enemy and had sprung the genius quintet from their plastic (pop) prison, but have been put to work in Mr X’s fortress of doom as slaves to work on his invincible army of robot doubles for him to pleasure and let he and he alone take over the world!
Mr Tony has a daring plan, though. While the production line rattles on, he has been secretly rejecting most of his robot doubles in a Raggy Doll stylee, consigning them to the skip. He merely has to wait until Mr X is asleep, sated from the pleasurings of his robot bandmates, and reprogramme the rejected robots to rise up against their curly-headed master and rebel...

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