Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, August 01, 2003

Mother's Ruin

But what I really gathered you for here today is to talk about that well-coiffured saucepot of the Delta Quadrant space lanes - Mz. Kathryn Janeway herself. And argue the point that she is by far the best captain to... er, well, captain a vessel this side of Kate Kestrel (don’t read too much into that). You need proof? What all off you? Even the ones who watched All Good Things... and didn’t raise an eyebrow? Oh, alright then

She has a Drinks Cabinet on the bridge.
We know this to be true. That little console situated between her chair and Chakotay’s isn’t just a pretty readout thang at all. Oh sure she pretends to read data off it, press a few buttons, but have you noticed the background *chink!* of ice in glass as soon as the camera pans off her? She’s keeping her Gordon’s down there! As soon as they’re heading into uncharted territory; a ship is sighted off the starboard bow, or someone trips over below deck; for the smallest, daftest reason, open comes the cabinet and out comes the bottle. This might explain why she’s always slouching in her chair, even when they’re under attack. Captain’s perogative, she calls it. There’s also two Star Bars and a can of Harmony down there in case she sags during away missions. Which brings me nicely to...

Her Ever-Changing Hairstyle
Fab, isn’t it? It’s an option that Picard and Sisko never looked into *snicker*.

Red Alert Hair-do
The very second that those alert lights go red, her bun came apart. The very second. No rocking of the ship, no nothing. Harmony of the 24th Century must be very advanced to respond to light stimulus. Maybe this is why she ordered blue alert in The 37’s. That hardly messed it up at all. But by far the best Red Alert Hairdo ever can be witnessed in Caretaker. Twanged to the other side of the Galaxy, as soon as the (red) lights come on, our beloved captain has locks everywhere. Stardate 48315.6 was a very Bad Hair Day, indeed. But more impressive was the fact that once this hair-don’t had taken over, she was called to Engineering. Striding into the TurboLift, her bouffant quite astray, she emerges on the other side perfectly fine! The Intrepid-class ship obviously has an Emergency Holographic Mr Mot installed in each lift, then. Bandai, those creators of action figures of every occasion, for some reason have missed the ‘Red Alert Janeway’ figure out of their already jump-on-any-ol’-bandwagon range. I mean, please! - these are the people who brought out the Star Trek: Holodeck and Star Fleet: Academy series, and yet the possibility of the curvaceous Kathy with her bedraggled bouffant coming out in plastic form are as small as the Terrahawks Appreciation Society. My only suggestion to you who want the authentic Janeway figure: take a soldering iron to it.

The Bob
From severe bun to extended bun, her hair got a major refit in the top banana episode Year of Hell. The short, manageable bob came in to show that style wasn’t beyond the leggy beauty. Unfortunately, this do wasn’t as easy to mess up as the bun, and red alert road kill cut was soon fixed by raking a hand through it (and a team of five off-screen ensigns armed with Compression Harmony Rifles). There is a problem with the sonic showers of the ship, though: it can’t dissolve of hair spray. Gradually, her hair has got bigger, and more solid as time goes on until she’s got the helmet she’s got at the minute. Rumour has it that it is now capable of producing it’s own warp field - more on this in a moment. Firstly, let’s adore her for her carelessness...

She’s lost more shuttles than NASA
At the end of Season Five, she has lost a grand total of 28 shuttles, and the count is going up. As the Intrepid-class should really have a maximum of four, you really have to wonder where the other 24 have come from. As they’re always finding stuff in storage - including of most of First Contact’s props - perhaps they keep finding them there. The other theory is that they replicate new ones. Fair enough, but the ship is on replicator rations, so that would mean that every time that a shuttle is lost, the energy has to come from somewhere. Ah. Realisation dawns. Dear Kathy is starving herself. She is - look how whippet-thin she is! Poor thing, every time they loose one, she’s back onto starvation diet, save for a sly munch on that rather raddled pot plant in her ready room. This is where the hair-do comes in. Lately, she’s created such a solid bob that she’s got two D-shaped inlets by each ear, enabling her to collect hydrogen as she moves. Our lovely captain is now powered by the internal combustion of hydrogen gas, topped up on gin.

Ah, yes. The gin.
It is well known about the edits from the show’s premiere episode, Caretaker. Refilming certain areas because Paramount execs didn’t like the way that Kathy’s hair caught the light (see? That bun is more trouble than it’s worth), and editing down to length meant that whole scenes had to be dropped, making the whole thing make about as much sense as Geri Halliwell’s continued success. Well, one line from Lt Stadi’s speech that didn’t make it to the screen was the acknowledgement of the fact that Deck 9 of the ship is one large tank containing Gordon’s. Sealed off from the rest of the vessel but for one hatch in Deflector Control, you can normally find our dipsomaniac doyenne sitting down there with a straw after a particularly harrowing Away Mission. As missions got even more nerve-racking with time, her supply got even lower. And this is the reason why she’s gone mad in the sixth season. Cold turkey.
But not just that. She’s died eight times. She claims to do a passable impression of Picard that sounds absolutely nothing like him, and also mothered hyper-evolved Tom Paris’ reptile offspring. She shouted "Get back to Hell!" to an alien pretending to be her father in Coda. She's grand. And with this little display, I hope you can find it in your hearts to raise your glasses – and your hair – to Captain Kathy, Queen of the Delta Quadrant.

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