Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, August 22, 2003

What IS that Smell of Wee and Flowers?

Old Man! Old Man Alert!
Do I like fun? No - No I don’t. I had quite enough of that in 1957 when I got trapped on a bumpy road in a German shot-putter’s Volvo and two-pair of deely-boppers. Thus, against my better judgement, it appears to be my birthday this weekend. I shall be 28 years old - a fact that I’m having to work out with my addled brain with increasing regularity. It was far easier when you were a child; not only was I more lucid, but you could just check your pants to find out you were ‘Age 7 and up’. I never met anyone who was ‘up’ - well, not until that revelatory incident behind the bike sheds in forth form, but you get what I mean.

I’ve never been a fan of birthdays, despite my obvious love of the limelight, and I can’t quite put my finger on why. As a child, my birthdays were slap-bang in the hottest day, and my curious lack of friends normally resulted in myself and my ever more dramatic sister being forced out into the blazing sunshine as my chocolate TARDIS cake melted in the heat, then being let back in to a surprise and losing to my sister at pass the parcel. I mean that’s hardly scarred for life, is it?

Yet still I’m in a completely Eeyore mood about the whole thing, and I’m not celebrating on any great level. Although Jef, Declan and myself my pop along to Southern Pride for a quick flit around the dancefloor to No Good Advice. Jef states he would rather piss on an electric eel than dance to ‘those ugly scrags’. It’s a wonder that we’ve lasted this far, isn’t it, boys and girls?

Speaking of which, Jef and I celebrate our own anniversary today. No-one thought it would last (least of all us) but here we are a year down the line with me picking his long hair off my clothes when he’s not around, and he washing t-shirts I casually discard his the bedroom floor with a rye grimace. Jef is a wonder and possibly the most exciting thing in my life now or ever. He’s as daft as I am, imaginative and so damn cool. He can make cartoon noises that I can’t. He does a mean impression of Heidi from the Sugababes when Round, Round is playing. We own a star together, you know - wherever you go in winter, you will be shone upon by ‘The Fabulous Glittering Jef and Lee’.

He is wonderful. Here endeth the lesson.

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