Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Where's my Pig?

A dreadful list of things you shouldn’t have to deal with whilst under the influence of a particularly virulent hangover, after enjoying a night on the sauce with Dame Vera Smirnoff:

- Open a can of cat food and feed a cat, then dispose of half a mouse carcass your loving animal has dumped in your kitchen.
- Iron a shirt.
- Discover there is no hot water. In the world. At all.
- Try and match socks.
- Deal with anything bureaucratic.
- Stand behind an old lady in a queue while she tries to pay for a packet of Tunes and Imperial Mints in coppers, then argue about her change to a bemused yet annoyingly indulgent newsagent.
- Talk to lost French tourists.
- Foil an alien invasion.
- Submit to a search by transport staff.
- Talk about Fight Club.
- Care about ANYTHING apart from where your all-consuming cure-all bacon sandwich is coming from.

Thus, I’m having a day off from being Ruler of the Universe.

I wouldn’t leave you to fend for yourselves, don’t worry, so I’ve got a c-list celeb to take my place. Heavens, you wouldn’t want me to put anyone competent in there for when I get back tomorrow, do you? You may want them to take over for good, and that will never do.

So, Ladies and Germs, I am pleased to announce the Wednesday replacement for my good self as Ruler of the Universe will be none other than down-on-her-luck decorator, Linda Barker. Linda’s tough spirit and knowledge of Dixon’s products will be invaluable with dealing with the slight uprising on the lower colonies, and she’s a dab hand with a rag roll. And I know at least two of you out there who wouldn’t mind her hand in your interior.

Let’s give a big hand to Linda!

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