Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

You WILL Be Watching

I wonder what has happened to perennial sit-com writing couplet Croft and Perry, responsible for such BBC jesting highlights as Oh, Doctor Beeching, You Rang, M’Lord and Are You Being Served? They seem to have gone very quiet of late, which could mean that they’re dead. Hamsters are very quiet. My first hamster was so quiet, in fact, that he turned out not to be hibernating after three months at all, and was dead. Hence my yardstick.

You can identify a Croft and Perry serial through many ways: they’re normally based on something a little more worthy, more often than not have Su Pollard in it. They also finish with the audience bursting into applause, the line ‘You Have Been Watching’ and a fantastic montage of all major cast members gurning and pissing around with props.

All things should finish like this. Especially the news, The West Wing and porn films.

Another feature of a Croft and Perry is it runs for longer than it should. The first season is always the best, second season less so... it’s the Law of Diminished Laughter. Do you know that ‘Allo ‘Allo actually went on longer than the Second World War? Perhaps they would be more fit to working on lengthy epics, and should have adapted Tolkien for the big screen.

You Would Be Watching:
PAUL SHANE as Frodo Baggins, JEFFREY HOLLAND as Legolas, SU POLLARD as Arwin (“Ooo! If you want ‘im, come and claim ‘im!�), DONALD HEWLETT as Gandalf, Lord of the Manor, MICHAEL KNOWLES as Boromir, and BILL PERTWEE as as Elrond.

It would also be called ‘Your Ring, M’Lord’, of course.

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