Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Captain Picard Goes To The Sale

We are getting an awful lot of junk mail at the moment. While I normally throw away such detritus, I have of late been leave it in the hope that it is possible to have too much junk mail, and this mountain will start repelling like, and it becomes impossible to thrust further attempts to sell me mobile phones and holiday insurance through my entrance.

Still, whilst waiting for something fabulous to happen yesterday, I was idly flicking though one such DFS catalogue that had landed near the top of the pile. DFS is a marvel: how can they perpetually be having a sale? Spring Sale, Summer Sale, Christmas Sale, Boxing Day Sale – it just goes on at the whim of the seasons it appears, getting more desperate as time goes by: Easter Sale, Back to School Sales, Ethel Merman’s Birthday Sale... Still, does this mean that they legitimately have to have one day where items are not reduced in price? Lorks, you’d be pissed if you went on that day to buy a new pouffe.

Anyway, within this glossy tome did I spy a most wonderful sofa, three-seater, that looked uncannily like Captain Picard’s chair from The Next Generation. It was then we realised that the good captain missed a trick when he got his ship - sofas are the way forward. Sofas are perfect for lolling around on, hungover. A sofa would invoke a more family, Blue Peter-stylee version of command with Riker, Troi and Picard perched like Valerie Singleton and co. Far more friendly way of greeting the Borg with a cheery wave and a ‘Hello!’ and the possibilities of a ‘make’ later where you can fix a laser pen to your ear and pretend you’re the leader of the Collective - what a wheeze!

Admittedly there are downsides to this: if the good captain was sitting in the middle and had to clamber over Troi to get to his little readout pad affixed to the arm – it’s a fair journey, I grant you. And heaven forefend he looses his recorder down the flaps*... Oh and what of the day when Riker was in charge, watching the viewscreen, lying there in his pants and eating crisps? One shudders at the thought.

I do like the idea of Worf giving it a bit of a Dustbuster once over in between scenes, though.


* In the sofa, not Troi. Shudder.

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