Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Commencing Transmission

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here once more in the hallowed halls of pop for our daily Girls Aloud briefing. Please make sure that all baggage (chiefly Michelle from Liberty X) is stowed in the overhead locker, and your Justin Timberlake is returned to its proper, upright position. I know mine is.

Now, if you open your information packs to page four, you will see our New Favourite Thing is Lisa Scott-Lee, late of the Steps Band. We all knew Steps’ time at the top was at an end as the video for Chain Reaction showed them sitting on sofas and rugs, stuffing up their CVs to show they can do DFS adverts too. Yet with the scattering of pop’s triumphant gods into the wind, the smart money was on Huntley and Carr - I’m sorry I’ll read that again - H and Clare being the ones to be worshiped by the Men With Nice Nails.

Yet, the most notable thing about this traitorous duo - bar a disappearance down the back of pop’s sofa faster than Supersister - is that their website, typography and advertisement always crushed their names together to create the gestalt entity ‘Hand Clare’. While they were the fair choice to go on to give us killer beats and ridiculous dance moves, they only provided Steps-Lite(tm) and were knocked off their twin thrones by an unusually discerning public, snatching away their Elisabeth Duke crowns with a cruel snarl.

Today we celebrate the underdog, the phoenix rising from the Tragedy that was Steps. All hail Lisa! Your sexy pop and strappy outfits are an inspiration to us all, and long may your dancefloor-filling funk make us all put our Baccadi Breezers on the side and get on down.

Over there under the arch, you will also notice Rachael from Sclub (pron. ‘shclub’) similarly cavorting around over there in her pants. Do not pay any attention to it, such writhing is unbecoming to a lady of such little celebrity status. She’s obviously trying to get a couple of column inches, and not in a good way.

Now, we go over here to see how our appeal is going. Before we finish our to scale totem of Girls Aloud Sarah out of gum wrappers, lets just check our totaliser... and it appears that we have a stonking three interviews for Louise Nerding in local papers! Yes, this self-financed comeback is really coming on leaps and bounds, and we hope to get her in the Dulwich Echo before the month it out.

Much apathy meets Justin Timberlake’s new single; the only delight is that if it bombs, he’ll have to take his top off to promote the next one in Mizz (subscription copies will be circulated upon your exit. The make-up tips are a dream). If that bombs too, he can always fall back on being a Butlins Redcoat, as his calling out at the end of this song is so like.

Next on the agenda is another former band member who’s fate teeters in the balance. Mark Owen’s comeback single ‘Four Minute Warning’ has come and gone, a cheerless but hummable ditty that, according to our files, is only 3.41 long. One wonders what the four minute warning was about: do check the video as it appears that it is a Public Information Film warning us that the only things surviving the Armageddon will be a multi-coloured umbrella and Mark Owen himself. Better kill this pop cockroach now before he succeeds us all...

Thank you all for attending, I shall be coming around with a complimentary wipe for you. Especially you, sir.

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