Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Get Your Coat, You're Pulled

Apparently you are either a shoe man or a coat man. Think about it: do your pleasures come from a nice high-turned boot? Or do you thrill at the love of a shiny lining, dapper lapels and a deep capacity pocket?

I’m a coat man. My fabulous footwear tends to be alongside the more functional boots, I can’t get enough of a long length coming down to my knees. And it is in these weeks of the year when there’s a slight nip in the air do department stores whip out their winter line for my delectation, which, for me, is like when Doogal landed in the land of the sugar lumps. This year, the fashions are for two large furry flaps (which I naturally avoid) and things so broad and thick you really have to be careful how you walk after using one (my perfect choice).

To celebrate this year’s purchase of a rather expensive number from a certain up-and-coming retailer, I thought I’d thrill you with some marvellous COATS OF NOTE!

Joseph: Why do people claim this to be the nicest coat ever? It’s a patchwork monstrosity of all the colours under the sun - how on earth are you meant to accessorise with that?

Butlin’s Red Coats: H from Steps, Shane Richie and Stephen Mulhern (moon-faced assassin of joy) were all former red coats. Shut down this spawning ground at once.

Bambi’s mother’s: now available on eBay. ‘One slight hole and soaked in a generation’s tears’ I assume that means it is colourfast, then.

Jill Masterson in Goldfinger: Lovely coat of paint. Nice of this brassy bird to lie so placid while they undercoated her, buffed her and then went for two top layers - all while Bond was in the shower. Perhaps they used a version of Dulux’s Solo range for speed, although they would have to make sure the whole surface was smooth before they started applying it. Thank heaven James Bond had been filling in the cracks for the previous two hours.

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