Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, September 08, 2003

I Most Certainly Will!

Things I have learned from attending a wedding this weekend:

• There is always a single woman there hoping to meet a man so she can relate the story of how she met the man of her dreams at someone else’s wedding. Do keep away from anyone who clutches your hand a little too firmly during the dancing.
• There is always a lady there who is ‘wacky’ - identifiable by her parrot earrings and excitingly dyed hair. She is not as fun to be around as she seems, as the creases of desperate fun around her eyes reveal.
• If you are going to piss off the gay, it is not best to do it while he is behind you, has in his presence a glass of red wine, and you have a white linen dress on.
• Further more, lady in the linen dress, if you do wear white and are a little - nay a lot overweight - do not think you can distract from this by accessorising in hot pink. And most certainly not with a bag that came free with Cosmo last issue, as the gay that you may have pissed off may tell people.
• EVERYTHING is funny if you do it in a wedding dress. Including running across a main road, line dancing and using a children’s slide.
• You organist will never know the tune, to much hilarity. In fact this one was so troubled by what she had to play that she got to the complicated bits, fluffed a bit and then raced on two pages to the next bit she’d learned. Also, do let your cat wander up and down the keyboard for effect to mystify your audience who are already alienated by centuries-old dirges called hymns.
• Straight men cannot dance, and have a tendency to jump on each other when drunk near the end of the night. If you have been masquerading as a non-mincer for the whole day, you may find this is your opportunity to leap on the best man and cop a feel without arousing suspicion.
• The most interesting people can be found around the bar three hours before the end, clutching a bottle of wine and with a face like thunder. They are more often than not a distant friend who is here to make up the numbers, is more bitter than the lemon in her twelfth margarita from 4pm, and more fun than women in wedding dresses line dancing.
• Everyone there who is not married will be planning their own wedding. The wife and I have decided to have Kylie as the hymns, and snigger heartily when they say ‘Do you take this man?’

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