Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, September 05, 2003

Never Be Too Friendly With Them

One always wondered what would happen if I threw my fabulous portal open to the Argos end of the gene pool. Would they converge en masse on my fabulous deep shag, or just stare at the gates like the aforementioned old couple peering fearfully into the depths of hell that is Old Commotions Street? Well, one prole did venture up to the bell, as you can see. Her name was ‘Anna F’.

UR just SOOO Cool!!!!“ she writes, dulcet Essex tones scraping against my inner ear. “U RAWK!

I can never claim that I’ve been ‘down wi’ d’homies’ - unless you count a incident in the harsh winter 1967 when I invited in our delightful Jamaican post-person for a hot toddy, in return getting shown his ju-ju stick - and so I have no idea what ‘rawk’ means. Frankly, it sounds like something pterodactyls say on the cover of Doctor Who books. I can only assume it is a good thing as she follows up with a mischievous:

CN I GO OUT WIV U?"

Well. Not without dinner and dancing, my dear!

Then she commits a sin. I’m sure I have an educated audience out there, and you all know of the Turing Test. If not, this is a wonderful test created by well-known wartime mary and mathematical genius Allan Turing who spent a great deal of time on the war effort, and then what must have been about ten minutes coming up with this experiment which examines whether a machine can think. This next sentence fails said test:

BRITTNY SP3RS IS B8R thn GrzAlowed AN U NO IT!!!!!"

In truth, we had to use the Enigma machine to crack what it meant, but as it was stuck in 1940s configuration, we received the translation thus: ‘Young Brittany Spears (well known harlot with only one good song to her name) far outranks the talented baco-foil lovelies Girls Aloud, and you are fully aware of this fact, you curmudgeon!’

Well! Such impudence! Consider the date off, child of the lower orders! I shall take my good intentions and shiny tuppences elsewhere!

But wait. Wait one second. That name... ‘Anna F’ - surely short for Anna Friel, well-known actress who played the lesbisexual luvverlee in TV’s Brookside. And Spears is spelt with a ‘3’ which smacks of over-egging the pudding… I feel this is a forgery, put upon this glorious blog by comedy lesbisexual housemate Kimberly! How very dare she!

The blog war rages on...

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