Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

The Shortest Joke in the World

“...and so the hamster went back to God and said ‘No, I wanted to come back as a gangster!'

This joke comes courtesy of that courtesan of comedy, Mr Jayson Gallagher, whom has been trying to cheer me after a particularly horrid day by describing his 1940’s swimming trunks he’s going to buy - much to my amusement, and not to his. Jayson is a very dear friend to me and infuriates me so by actually having ‘Jay’ on his birth certificate, and doesn’t respond to Jayson no matter how loud I shout it across the balconette. I’ve noted this stubborn attitude with most Northerners, particularly my rough newspaper boy Grizelda who never comes when he’s called, defying me further by wearing the name badge ‘Steve’. Such arrogance.

I met Jayson on a train. He tells the story much better, and with more props these days. Needless to say, when two Men With Nice Nails get together in a confined space, for some reason they end up in a toilet together. Why is that? You’d never get lesbisexual ladies involved in such shenanigans as they’re far too classy. It would be a different world if Ladies Who Lick were going around Ikea and then grabbing other in the rug department, for want of a better phrase. But as it stands, it’s only the mary men who’ll whip off into a public loo for a bit of below the belt action. I suppose it’s the immediacy - and it does say ‘convenience’ on the door, after all.

Anyway, since that fateful incident, Jayson and I have been championing hats for lovely people. The more lovely that person, the bigger the hat. Jayson, therefore, would merit a large stove-pipe at a raffish angle; I would get a decent sized fedora because I am a little sod, although it would have a very wide brim. There was much argument on whether a tiara comes under this hat law as we both want one, but instead have awarded a Carmen Miranda-stylee fruitstall to New Favourite Thing Alistair Appleton. Well you do have to be fair.

The use of this hat regulation also benefits the non-lovely: very plain hats would be mandatory for people under five foot, although if you are under five foot and fabulous, you do have the chance of upgrading to a nice cowboy hat or similar. If you are a tourist, you will have to wear a blue balaclava that points you out as someone who will stop dead in the street at any moment, and thus gives everyone fair warning and stop you getting an irate dig in the ribs from a swarthy poof who happened to be behind you. If you are a tourist and under five foot, you are no doubt a menace to society and a hat will stop you having to use an umbrella that just happens to come up to eye-level with normal sized London denizen. This hat law also stops any clusters of Japanese tourists with umbrellas moving en masse around the capitol like a patch of malevolent chattering mushrooms - something I’m sure we’re all wishing to wipe out.

Go on - try a hat for size today. You may thank us.

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