Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Constitutional Errors

Early this morning, while I was climbing the ladder at the front of my house to the roof, for some reason I found myself humming ‘Do You Know The Way To San Jose?’. Both are admittedly unusual places to be - the front of my house taking precedence over San Jose this rosy October morn, as I haven’t had to go up there since the last time that Impossibly Beautiful Housemate Mark found and boarded up the hole between my room and his, and I’d had to resort to more external means to see him arise. San Jose is a perfectly acceptable place to be of a morning. Unless you went to sleep in such a place as Wigan the night before, of course.

Never let it be said hangovers and altitude mix. Although if you’re one of my more Argos-attending, tracksuited commoners who wandered too close to this site, you’re probably reading aloud anyway, stumbling over the big words and mary references and have already said ‘hangovers and altitude mix’. Indeed, twice now. But they don’t, and having to clear out the gutters at some ungodly time while still smelling of wine that, last night tasted of roses and love, and this morning tasted to Brut and philately is deeply unpleasant. But as I hummed Dionne to myself for no discernable reason, not looking down on the three stories Victorian terrace below me, I found greatly placated that you can put a hundred down and buy a car. And that pretty soon they’ll make you a star.

I’d like to be a star, but am hindered by the terrible enamel dental work that happened to me as a child and, while I tend to open my mouth wide when I laugh, I never do it all the way because you can see the words ‘Armatage Shanks’ on the last couple. Indeed, my fillings at the back are of such shoddy work that they tend to pick up radio signals on cold mornings when I’m above sea level. The first time it happened I having a brisk constitutional along Hamstead Heath in November and suddenly found Andy Bell of Erasure in my mouth – not a pleasant surprise, I can confirm. I also find it impossible to wear a contraceptive coil at the same time as I have the unlikely ability order a taxi just by bending over. But today was one of those cold mornings and I suddenly realised Dionne was coming from my back molars.

Have you ever listened to the words, by the way? Apparently she has lots of friends in San Jose.

Of course you do. They really are your friends, dear Dionne. This is why they’ve all moved to a place where you can’t find.

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