Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

The Ruler Of The Universe

For those of you who know me, you will be aware that I’ve been the Ruler of the Known Universe for a good couple of years, although I’ve never really elaborated on it much. For the first time, I opened my doors to a nice journalist so he can peer into my inner sanctum. Here’s what he wrote...

'For those of you who didn’t know, the universe has an owner; a startling fact that came to light recently in documents unearthed in Westminster’s Planning Proposal department dating back a couple of billion years. These records show a proposed extension to the planet Earth called ‘the Moon’ (for the noted use as ‘granny flat’) and were signed by a Lee Binding. With much trepidation, we sent our gallant reporter to investigate this mysterious being at his enormous mansion…

Q. (shouting) Hello there!
A. Eh? What? Who’s that? Come close – I’ve forgot my glasses and dislike you attitude.

Q. (shouting) Ah. Right. Um, your throne is somewhat high. Surely it would be easier for you to come down than me to come up.
A. Sauce. But if you wish for further examination - sigh - I can come down off my throne for a while. Just make sure there's a voddie and orange waiting for me when I get down there.

(slow ‘oof!’s as someone slowly descends down stairs)

Ah, hello. You look like a right one. Are you here to peel things for me?

Q. Eh? No, I’m here to ask you a couple of questions.
A. Oh. Don’t you have to seek my audience?

Q. I think I found them on the way in.

(Interviewer moves curtain. Three hundred primed people burst into spontaneous applause. Closes curtain)

Q. They’re very quick.
A. Aren’t they, though? They help me when I’m making decisions.

Q. You don’t say.
A. I do. And I’m Ruler of The Universe, so my word is law.

Q. Well, that’s why I’m here. I’ve come to interview you for the local parish internet site. Are you willing?
A. And you can stop that as well. Honestly, the youth of today, with their ‘I’ve come for you’ and ‘you’ve been rubbing off on me again’. It’s enough for a man to go blind, you know.

Q. Ah. Sorry. I’ll be more careful in future.
A. Don’t you bloody dare. Now, this interview. What do you want to know?

Q. (shuffles notes) Ah, um. Right. Let’s start at the beginning – we in the office have only just discovered that the universe had a ruler. How did that come about?
A. Must we? (sighs) Oh, alright.
My exalted self started when I proclaimed myself ruler of the universe. I was fairly easy to get a celestial army to back me up, enough firepower to flatten the galaxy. It was also handy that I'd got the correct forms from the Post Office.

Q. Er, right. So in what ways do you use your powers? Do you feel you are a benevolent ruler?
A. Benevolent? Certainly not! If you’re a tourist, a peasant or a pain in the bum in any wrong way, you will probably get to feel my wrath.
The wrath is housed at the Lee Binding Palatial Mansions as a charming centrepiece to his ruler’s greatness. Tickets are £57 per person.

Q. So, with the whole universe at your disposal, you -
A. Ah. I’m only in charge of the Known Universe, you know – the bits we’ve mapped so far. There’s a huge part of the Unknown Universe that I have no power over. There’s some other guy in charge of that – we pass in the canteen every now and again. He seems nice.

Q. So it’s the same with any number –
A. I think we’ve all got your number, ducky.

Q. Ahem. Yes, well. So how would you describe yourself?
A. Erm, six foot. I think. That's what it says on my box, anyway. That and 'choking hazard' for some reason I’ve never been able to divine.

Q. So, do you run the universe on a day-to-day basis?
A. Oh, no no no no! There’d be no time to the fun stuff if I did! No, I have a team under me; I also have a couple of people who work for me. Did you see what I did there?

Q. Unfortunately, yes.
A. Well, I leave much of the day-to-day running of the universe in the hands of Stacy. And what big hands she has. Big everything, in fact. She likes her pies. She deals with most of the admin, but every now and again, some lower being makes a play for my throne. I then send her to go and sit on them until they beg for mercy. I trust that your interest in my position is purely journalistic and little more? Only if it is to become somewhat more… practical I shall have to have a word with Stacy. And she's looking pretty overweight today, I must say.

Q. Who? Oh - Arg! My god, I thought that was a wardrobe with two spades leaning up it. I’d heard you controlled vast minions, but I didn’t realise it was just the one of them.
A. Oh, you’ve riled her now. Look at her quiver! (It’s akin to a lava lamp, to be fair) – I don’t think she liked you referring to her ‘vast minions’ as she’s very sensitive about those, and the fact that she has to use a J-cup bra. Well, I say J-cup – it’s more two buckets and a yard rope. Yes, you can always tell when she’s mad: her love eggs fall out. It was either that or two Yeti control spheres had appeared from nowhere.
Anyway, getting away from my assistant’s breasts – which, I concede, is quite difficult to do even in this space – your next question, please.

Q. Right. Um. So it’s a fairly cushy job, then?
I’d say, on the whole, no. I do try and mediate the various disputes across the universe, and the only day I get off is Wednesdays. I normally bring in a z-list celeb to man the phones for the day – oh, the hilarity that’s caused! Jane Asher was in once...

Q. And?
A. We had an entire galaxy created out of sponge. The jam crust just blackened every time it went too close to its star. Shocking. And the time we had Linda Barker... well!

Q. Could you just not employ more competent people?
A. Would you want me back in charge if I did?

Q. Good point. So what are you plans for the future?
A. Oh, all sorts. My immediate plans are to get you a drink, you young minx you, and show you my Eppings.

Q. Don’t you mean your etchings?
A. No, I own Epping. And have a spare. Would you like to see?

Q. Ah, um, I’ll pass. But what about long term goals?
A. You’re not that interesting.

Q. I meant as ruler of the universe...
A. Ah. I’m with you. I’m just going to carry on as I am, a mysterious being plotting my Machiavellian way through the space lanes, and making sure it all runs smoothly. There’s a whole universe out there that needs looking after – planets, people – my task is endless. Whole star systems... And I’ll be here, up the back, with my hand in it.'

No comments: