Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, October 27, 2003

"Self-Loading Cargo"

I'm not the greatest fan of public transport (if the good Lord had wanted us to travel like this, he would never have given us commoners and sedan chairs). But when it comes to commuter rants, no-one has cornered the last seat in the crowded train like dear Vee, whom maintains a blog so bilious to Connex and its various denizens that it should be prefixed with a pH warning. Vee has, in the past, detailed with great care the under-evolved flotsam and jetsam that cause her mornings to go as smoothly as sand in the Vaseline.

So you can imagine I was less than delighted to get a Vee 'Full House' this morning on my slow-moving cattle wagon. Included in these archetypes were:

* The fat woman who tries to slide into a seat next to you with a joyless 'harumph', preceding to eat the contents of her lunchbox with such pig-hungry arm-waving fervour that you assume she?s conducting a one-woman pie orchestra. She was responsible for three jabs in the ribs and all the low-flying pastry I could eat.

* The French woman opposite, who had just been given a mobile phone over the weekend, yet had decided to wait until rush hour to try out all the new and exciting ringtones her new toy offered. After settling on a highland jig, she advanced on to calling all her friends to call her back so loudly, it was if she wasn't speaking into a high-tech piece of equipment, but a tin can and string.

* The tourist in front of me with the rucksack so large you could store estate agent Stephanie Slater in it. Of course he got excited with every passing tree or station, twatting me about the ear as he span to look out of the window.

* The one beautiful boy on the train sitting opposite me. Not a bad thing, ostensibly, but I accidentally caught his eye while staring straight ahead after the post-Frenchie fume, and he tutted and flicked his head with such disgust I immediately wished all his hair to fall out.

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