Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

A Series of Terrible Coincidences

At around 6.30 last night, I bumped into one of my ex’s. This is a frequent occurrence as I do have quite a few - they call me the Black Widow of Birmingham down in darkest East London for one reason or another – but it was notable for one or two reasons. Not because of the universal constant of you only bump into your ex when your hair’s gone flat (I was most pleased to see he was loosing his. Ten points to Gryffindor) but because I happened to be carrying £65 of pornography and two wigs.

I would have loved to have stopped to explain, but I had to rush home for I have a delightful new hobby, eBay, where I’m currently hoovering up z-list celebs autographs for pittance. I already got Kate Mulgrew in the bag, and while it doesn’t say ‘To Lee, “Take This Cheese To Sickbay!”, love’ above the heavenly words ‘Kate Mulgrew’, it will do once I’ve got a black marker and mastered her scrawl. She was very cheap - £12 for a picture that’s been under her divine buffalo-hide hand. I tell you, you can get Trek merchandise for a trifling amount at the moment due to no-one giving two hoots about the new series. I actually found Nichelle Nicols herself for about $35 plus delivery.

As for the signatures, I searched the goddess Angela Lansbury out for the darling Zbornak, and was delighted to see that you can indeed buy her image avec moniker. Like the gorgeous Z, I’ve had a long fixation with the foul-mouthed trucker Angie since they started showing Murder, She Did on a Sunday nights before Surprise, Surprise, both becoming essential viewing fast. And my mother said that she never guessed.

Oddly, Wig One looks a little like Angela’s do in Death on the Nile. Perhaps I should have given Wig Two to the balding ex in retrospect. It would have been the charitable thing to do as the nights draw in. I quite like the idea of him flouncing about in a Smiffy’s™ Cher wig, and when you think about it, Cher was in Stuck on You with Jack Nicholson in 2003, and Jack Nicholson starred in About Schmidt alongside non other than Angela Lansbury. More perturbing, one of the grubby movies I’d purchased without looking at the actual title was called ‘Bignobs and Broomsticks’ and included a leaflet for another mucky film called ‘Stuck on You’. Freakish. I haven’t had a chance to check to see whether Angela appears on the soundtrack, or whether ‘Arnold raced through the door’ appears in the liner notes. For those of you who can’t recall, ‘Arnold raced through the door’ is the only thing you can see on Jessica Fletcher’s typewriter as she bangs away at her magnum opus in the title sequence, you know. I recall that quite clearly. In a final, more worrying link, it was going to be the first line of My Evil Best Friend Declan and my porn book we were going to write, filled out to a full ‘Arnold raced through the door as Jeremy screamed as he took it up to the hairy root’. We collared Rebecca Lavine, queen of the Virgin Mucky Book empire at a party once and told her of our plan. She looked non-plussed and said it would never get through.

Apparently everyone has a book in them. I'm sure you're not surprised that mine’s filthy.

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