Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, November 17, 2003

A Cult For Everyone

Dear old Gertie has had a rough old weekend. The 24-year-old disco-moppet upon whom he'd happily dedicate all the Doctor Who cartoons he makes has unceremoniously dumped him in a way that even makes me wince. Thus, I'm currently making little voodoo dolls out of the 'generic gay' figure in the Sindy range (you know the one) and daubing it with the moppet's name.

Later, it's going in the microwave with pins in its eyes.

You see, I'm not very good at emotion, but I'm great at revenge. I was a little lost when Gertie came over on Saturday night post-dump, but I dusted off my 'concerned friend' routine that's been pieced together from Clueless and all the ice-cream bits from Alias. But Gertie seemed quite happy with my fussings and offers of cake, and we did sit down and discuss oddness of cult television fans whom plague our lives. For this: most Doctor Who fans are gay, all Blake's 7 fans are lesbians, and all Star Trek fans are socially inept with hygiene issues. And there's no real reason as to why.

I suppose with the majority of Doctor Who fans being Good Listeners, there should be no smoke without a flamer. A possibility as to why there is such a huge mary following is this hero completely lacks any sexuality, getting himself into glittery adventures with a female companion whom he runs around with holding hands and most certainly doesn't kiss. Bluntly, is that not most of our nights out in Soho with our fag hags? This really is only one hero you could identify with as a child: a loner who travels around in a big closet and has the most popular enemy menaces people with egg whisks and sink plungers. He'll certainly do until you discover Joan Crawford, anyway.

And the Blake's 7 fanbase is formed primarily of lesbians. The show itself is terribly dull and has no sense of humour.

Blink.

Blink-blink.

Thirdly, Star Trek fans are usually fragrant, socially awkward creatures living with their parents that idealise a tomorrow where all the women wear skin-tight outfits and can program computers. Everything is controlled by a mainframe; if you replace the word 'Computer' with 'mother' in a script, you get a very disturbing utopian vision. And even the showers of the future don't have water in them.

(I've always wondered about those sonic showers. If you turn them up high enough, can you just about hear Celine Dion scaring the dirt off?)

Needless to say, this is gross generalisation (the emphasis on 'gross' when it comes to the Trekkies) but we can use it in our sci-fi community as shorthand. If you ever come across a gentleman who's a little 'Doctor Who-curious', you'll know what to do.

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