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Friday, November 14, 2003

Here Comes That Man Again

The fit office totty is back from his travels. I know this because I bumped into his lithe, tanned form just as I came out of the toilet while messily blowing my nose into a hanky. Admittedly, if this were a Richard Curtis rom-com and I had red hair, he would have clasped my hands and found this terribly endearing, but this is real life and he just looked through me, whilst I managed to smear snot by my upper right cheek.

No, my powers of meeting people are only used as a force of personal good when I bump into an ex – a common occurrence, as I’m sure you’re aware. The last couple of times have been a delight for me, as, thanks to my special powers, I happened to be looking simply delicious while they looked like hell in a handbag. Like last night: I’d set up my stall in The Yard when in flounced (all bar one of my ex’s flounce, I’ve discovered in retrospect) Jez. He’d aged. And he flopped to the bar like the trophy holder of Little Miss Gay 1998, 1999, and after the Atkins diet, 2002. This was the man whom the first present I gave him was a little... infectious, lets say. But the joy was he thought he’d given it to me and spent the rest of the time we were together buying me guilt gifts.

Frankly, any one that silly needed to be taught a lesson.

You’ll be pleased to know that the Wife wouldn’t take anything of that nonsense, and is remarkably clued up for a blonde Australian. And while I can hear him audibly frowning at my fawning over the office totty, I put it forward that this is merely window-shopping. As for a nice, new jumper or smock. Admittedly, that means you can look, rub up against it, check the size, and most definitely try it on in the cubicle, but not take it home.

That’s certainly the plan for most of the ladies in the office. The jubilant cheer that went around when they found out he was straight was on the Richter scale. You couldn’t move in here the following day for breasts, forced horizontal by the balconette bras. To get to the photocopier was like running the gauntlet through a space hopper factory.

The whole company’s all out tonight at a birthday do, and he’ll get tired of the constant female attention, I’m sure. And while we have discovered he has a girlfriend, what really is the difference between straight and gay?

About two bottles of red wine, in my experience.

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