Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Once More With Hobbits

Well, it transpires that you can indeed get some Christmas spirit in your blood if you really try, and I’m sitting here in a glowing haze with a warm feeling running throughout. Yes, dear readers, Christmas spirit does indeed turn out to be rum! Ho ho ho!

As the taffeta veil draws upon another year in my remarkable and fabulous life, I always like to take time out to reflect on you, the little people, and what you’ve managed to bring before me to delight and amuse me over the last twelve months. Well, what a bumper crop of daftness and joy there has been, and here at Glitter for Brains, your Ruler brings you a slice of the best! Welcome to the Glitter for Brains Awards for Fabulous Things, Two Thousand And Three!

Best New Favourite Thing:
First place: the Alias! At last, a show that can fill all the voids in our programming. Is it a sci-fi/cult drama? Is it an action series? Is it a family-orientated soap opera? Why, it’s all of the above! It’s like a fabulous vitamin supplement of show! Who needs to watch anything else when it all comes in this one, deliciously-wrapped package?


Best Thing On My Desk This Year:
First place: The complete synopses for the Farscape Mini-Series, just begging me to read it. Ah, the pleasure. I did have to stop flicking when it was revealed who was carrying Aeryn’s child, though. Excitement!

Second Place: A Liberty X gold disc. I used it as a coaster then sent it away.


Best Single of the Year:
Girls Aloud, No Good Advice
What a wonderful piece of electro-pop nonsense, and the result of putting ‘Oh Mickey’, ‘My Sherona’ and a Blondie track in a blender, then baking it in tin foil at Gas Mark Fabulous for a week. Shamefully, the Girls haven’t been able to top this with any subsequent singles, meaning our already-fickle attention is wavering to whatever else is shiny in the hit parade. Still, I’ve just been sent a Christmas card from the Girls. Bless them.

It’s an e-card, but hey.

And it went to everyone on their mailing list, but I can’t help think there was a bit of extra love in mine after bumping into them outside a café a couple of weeks back. Nice that they remembered...


The Glittering List of Men
It’s been a bumper crop of totty this year, with all sorts of boys thrusting lasciviously onto our screen in the most provocative manner! It’s all a girl can do to flutter her fan and play coquettish! Here’s a list of who’s catching our eye and sending a cocktail over to our booth this year...

The Alias’ Secret Agent Vaughn, despite a nose you could plough snow with.
The Wife, especially when he puts a suit on.
Aragorn. But not Viggo Mortislock with short hair. He looks silly.
This Johnny Wilkinson. We have no idea why he’s here all of a sudden (I think he scored a home run for England or something) but we likes what we see.
Ben Browder, still a favourite. Fun fact: we were due to interview la Browder a few years back. There was even a call from the agent asking whether we wanted him in his leather-trousered costume (spluttered tea everywhere) but some fool blew up the Twin Towers and his plane was grounded. And that’s why we hate Muslim Fundamentalists, kids.

But the surprise winner is Will Tippin from TV’s the Alias! We shall be celebrating by rubbing the screen with our naughty parts every time he appears until we get a static shock. Oh, how we love it when they play hard to get. Rrowr.

Dropping out of the list:
Kelly from The Stereophonics. Get a haircut, you imbecile.
Justin Timberlake. You’re just too silly now, dear thing.
J from 5ive. I’m very sad about this entry as J has been top for many years, and not just that fabulous dream I had back in 1998. Do tell me the curly mullet we saw you with was just to fool your rabid fans, dear boy.


Word of the Year:
First place: Bonza!
Second: Philippino.


Best Failure of the Year:
H and Clare. Did you really think tampering with the world-encompassing powers of Steps would end pleasantly? Be gone, you half-wits. You are banished to children’s light entertainment shows, and will be forced to watch bandmate Lee’s terrible Crossroads episode over and over again.


Biggest Disappointment of the Year:
First: Matrix Revolutions. Don’t get us started.

Second place: Kylie’s Body Language. Poor effort all round, you little antipodean lovely. Apparently it ‘will grow on us’. Well, it’s been a good month or two and we still think it’s breathy twiddly-knobbed nonsense. Here – here’s a copy of the Sugababes’ new albumen. Go. And. Learn.


They Who Can Fuck Off:
Anyone associated with the joyless Dead Ringers, bar John Calshaw. He shall be held aloft as our new faux-Tom Baker.
Daniel Bedingfield.
50 Cents, you chuntering fool
Tourists incapable of Getting Out Of The Way


Man Your Spy in The Metro And Think ‘Fwoar!’ Before Realising Who It Is:
Ian Huntley


Best New Application Of Technology:
Oyster Cards. A dear friend called David Bailey took great patience in telling me how they work:
‘Transport for London have developed ultra-thin weevils that live inside the Oyster cards. When you wave the weevils against one of those big yellow discs, they all shout across to a weevil queen living inside, giving her details of how long it is until your card expires.’

How clever is that?


And finally, Daftest Thing To Happen To Your Ruler This Year:
First Place: Being told off at a party by a Doctor Who for throwing balloons around.

Second place: Going on a log flume with a former child star of the Famous Five, who then screamed ‘Aaah! It’s gone right down me arse crack!’

Third place: my cat starting to bring back cuddly toys.

Fourth place: getting fan-mail for this blog. Bless you. I really do adore being able to empty my brain of stories that I’d probably forget next week. And it’s odd to think that people actually read this nonsense to boot, but bless you all. I hope you’re all enjoying this rubbish as much as I do purging my head of it.


And that’s it from your Ruler. We’re leaving Maggie Philbin in charge for a couple of days. Oh, she’ll be fine: there’s some mince pies in the fridge from the Christmas party and all the cava she can drink. Until the new year, it’s a very merry Christmas to all of you at home, too.

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