Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

The Conversion Is Almost Complete

Deep in our underground bunker, the Gay Lords have an enormous glittering map laid across the finest table. Around this are fabulous drag queens dressed as WRAF officers, diligently pushing lovely figurines together, apart and, in the case of Gertie’s slightly tarnished ornament, into a section called ‘Bushes’ for a meeting with three Latvians.

They are there to keep abreast of the war, reporting to our very own Queen of Podia: a leathery disco queen soaked in moisturiser who, if he ever stops dancing to Kylie, we will all drop down dead. Drugged up minions clad in tight white shorts had just handed him an alarming report, causing him to pause momentarily. This in turn instigated a slight blackout in our collective fashion senses, meaning that paisley will be back for a short while. The report was thus…

Impossibly Beautiful Housemate Mark has a date this weekend. I was languishing on the sofa as he told me, and cocked an eyebrow; “Who’s this?” I asked with pursed lips. I still feeling some allegiance to his former lady after all. Plus a slight worrying possibility was welling up within: what if Evil Best Friend Declan had finally managed to find a beehive wig that was convincing? There’d be hell to pay!

“Someone I met a few months back,” he said. “I can’t remember that much about her - bar she had great teeth, fabulous hair and great shoes at the time.”

And slowly, in the darkened situations room, his impossibly beautiful carved ivory figure was pushed onto the edge of the map…

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