Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Glitter For Brains' World Tour! Part VII

Australia as a nation has a great problem with its self-image. As a nation, they are so benign and out-of-the-way that they hardly ever figure in the great global scheme. Despite this, each news item is contrived as a piece to puff out the chests of every Aussie to show their country is. The Columbia Shuttle disaster: never mind a glut of top scientists were wiped out in a super-heated fireball, no - seven Aussie spiders sent up for research also got obliterated. The way the news covered this you'd think these were Nobel Prize-winning arachnids, not a group of spiders found under a bucket somewhere.

One morn, the almost-entirely infomercial Good Morning Australia spent a good hour showing three or four crocodiles to the audience because shag-all else had happened in the news that day. The basic message was, 'Australia - hey. We have scary animals! But not much else going on'.

So, mayhaps it's the heat driving people to be lazy, as there’s nothing much to fuel the news. With no word of a lie, one evening the national news covered British terrorists being released from the US, the monstrous Dubya Bush trying to amend the Constitution to disallow gay marriage, and the one Aussie item being placed as the 'And finally...' bracket. And that was that a cat had got stuck up a ten-foot telephone pole.

I kid you not.

The following day, they devoted huge sections of the morning to declaring the joyous news of a b-list singing star finally making it over the equator. I pointed this out to the Wife over dinner, and he became quite indignant. "Dolly Parton has come to Perth," quoth he. "For two nights, I’ll have you know." Well, I know for a fact that this is untrue: the old girl merely sent over an old wig and a pair of inflatable waterwings and demanded that all opera glasses were removed from the auditorium.

Candidly, I think they have been running off the fumes of ABBA: The Movie for far too long.

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