Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Bush Bonanza

Poor old Kevin Spacey. Just the other day he had his phone stolen by a trick – I’m sorry, I’ll read that again – a tricky gentleman while walking his dog. Yes, children, at 4am in the morning. One wonders how much of a dog the 19-year-old black man was who actually went off with his phone, or whether he did get a bone for the price too.

Dear Kevin may have fallen foul of the risks we’ve all run while hanging around the bushes for a quick furtle. Honestly, you really can’t protect your wallet or your mobile when your trousers are at half mast with a stranger’s hand in them. Er, I would imagine.

Indeed, that happened to an associate’s boyfriend. Well, I say boyfriend… he was sixteen years old, and my associate was kindly referred to as Coffin Dodger by myself and Declan. He was nudging the back end of forty (as well as the back end of sixteen, one would assume) and could be often be seen in the drinking houses of the province forking out for ‘Bacardi Breezers - and don’t forget the straw’ for the little tyke.

Anyway, one night this child didn’t come back, causing Coffin Dodger to get a little frantic. He finally rolled in at 4am, looking a little sheepish and glowing. It transpired that he’d ‘fallen asleep’ in the local park - a well known cruising area for regional gentlemen who were suddenly flush with their pension, lost his baseball cap and his phone somewhere while he ‘slept’. He was terribly hangdog in giving details, so we just left it at that.

We just assumed he was embarrassed that he’d fallen foul of the cum-gobbling, baseball-cap-stealing, phone fairy.

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