Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Dead on the Money

There’s an old adage that says that there’s a bullet with your name on it somewhere. Which means you really have absolutely no chance if you’re christened ‘.475 Widley Magnum’.

Anyway. What it really means is that your method of death may already be out there, be it bullet, bucket or ballet dancer bending you to death. Why I myself almost fell foul of the latter in a bizarre cubicle incident in one of London’s more unwholesome of public houses, but I oddly knew it wasn’t my time to go. No, I’m of the long-standing belief that I’m going to die in a road accident, with the driver of the car flaunting the law to such an extent that I won’t stand a chance.

Oddly, this was raised by yesterday’s post: this mortal fear of mine is that I’ll be crossing a one-way street, I’ll be looking the right way when some useless barrels along in the wrong direction, knocking me off my rather expensive boots. My dying croak would be “Wrong way!” – which almost happened with the ballet dancer too, incidentally – and there I would pass, gracelessly in the middle of the road.

Well, it almost happened this morning, my dear readers. Death does indeed stalk London, and it’s a battered black MG Metro, covered in dust and driven the wrong way down a one-way street by a mad woman in a crocheted blanket trying to do her make-up in the rear view mirror. I didn’t see whether it had my name on it, but I’m sure it would have been easily added under the witty ‘clean me!’ on the filthy driver’s door.

And this! This just mere hours after a child threw eggs at me while I was walking down the Pentonville Road last night. Thankfully, he threw like A Gay and completely missed, but I’m gradually thinking my number is almost up. Honestly though, if people don’t like my Doctor Who covers, they just have to tell me!

Well, if I do die, bury me next to Kate Mulgrew.

And no, I don’t care whether she’s dead or not at the time.

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