Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Lo! Look at that! Money EVERYWHERE!

While my first love will always be opium, I do state with an odd sense of pride that pornography is my sixth or seventh love. You know - the kind of love that owns a bedsit in Euston and thinks After Eight mints are classy.

Some people are without this love. Dear Gertie (speaking, oddly, of Euston bedsits and After Eights) doesn’t get the idea of porn at all; his one video called Tales From The Foxhole was last seen sitting somewhat dejectedly under a copy of Doctor Who’s Tomb of the Cybermen adventure. My collection, whereas, is large enough to rival the impounded acres of Mucky at the Vatican - so much so that I do have one of those delightful guards in the garish pyjamas posted by my bedroom door on all days but Fridays.

The collection itself is beginning to trouble me. For porn has properties similar to the universal constant of gravity; like gravity, get enough porn together and time starts to slow in comparison to areas outside the MSR (or Money Shot Radius). This explains why hours will pass by when you’ve just, er, popped on the web to take in some of the more arty of the left-handed websites, and before you know, you’ve been in a porn vortex for three days and the cat’s dead.

Further example. Has anyone ever been to Colt Books in Soho? It’s basically someone’s lounge with loads of videos in, warmed by an antiquated three-bar fire. Was it the case that the poor gentleman in charge simply bought one too many videos, and the sheer volume just turned his front room into a porn store, replete with that musty smell of ‘Is That What I Think Is On The Carpet?’ by Haze. Will this happen to me if I continue in this path?

Well, that’s for me to worry about. But thanks to my vast experience in this area, I can at least thrill you with a little guide to popping out to some of the more sticky of Soho shops!

When Buying Arty Flicks:

• Hardly ever go to Clone Zone, or the big gay supermarket known as Prowler. Like many of the video covers they show, they have you over a barrel and the price is slightly higher than it should be.
• Always hold your head high, and be proud when walking around. Although beware of catching anyone else’s eye for they are sinners and destined to go blind.
• ‘Load’ are generally a good brand – kudos to them for putting a DVD chapter in for each of the bumming checklist, enabling you to skip through the more delightful steps of knickers off, oral shenanigans, greasy dirty man love, and the money shot with deceptive ease.
• Always go for the three-for-two offer. You’re ‘A’ choice does have the potential to be a dull and contain horrid underwear not advertised on the back of pack.

Go on, treat yourself. Spend some money on a money shot! And always be nice to the greasy gentleman in the grubby vest behind the counter. It may be yours truly.

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