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Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Fascinating Facts! Condoms

Things We Found Out Using The Web In Under An Hour

It was the Egyptians who first started using contraception, showing this wise race were in search for something stopping the creation of Avril ‘Cute as a Button’ Levine for thousands and thousands of years. Although they didn’t get the idea for a condom for a while, they experimented by using milk and honey, and crocodile dung. And you think that ladies’ minkies are smelly these days.

Around 1000 years Before Cher, the Egyptians started using linen tied with ribbon to catch their love-custard. There are pictures and everything, but as it’s over a thousand years old, it’s not counted as porn. A little like those pictures of Katy Manning and the Dalek.

Those pesky Romans were said to have used condoms made out of the muscle tissue of their enemies, and the oldest European condoms were found at the site of the battles between Oliver Cromwell and soldiers loyal to King Charles I in the foundations of Dudley Castle near Birmingham. It was a close-run thing as there are some down the back of a mattress in Pleasuredrome that clearly belonged to Edward II by the look of them.

The 18th century, the famous womanizer, Casanova, wore condoms made of linen. Unusual condom materials have included oiled silk paper, fish bladders, and tortoiseshell. Oh, eww and ouch respectively.

In Europe, 770,000 condoms are manufactured each day. Even Gertie couldn’t get though that in a weekend, but lord knows he tries.

In the 1700s, condoms made of animal intestines became available. However, they were very expensive and were often reused - eww again. It wasn’t until 1844 that the rubber jonny actually became rubber - when good old Doctor Goodyear and co got in on the act and created a spoff-bag made of vulcanised rubber. After use, they were washed, slathered in petroleum jelly and kept in a little box by the side of the bed. Since 1930, they have been made lovingly out of latex.

The largest condom in the world was 72 foot long, and created to fit over the obelisk in Place de la Concorde, Paris for World AIDS Day on December 1, 1993. Mrs Overall would still call it a ‘comdon’...

American service men were the only soldiers in the First World War to be denied the use of condoms. As a result, 70% of them caught an STD of some form. In the Navy it was no different, with the Secretary of the Navy believing that condom use was immoral and “un Christian.” It was a young Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Franklin Roosevelt, who ordered the distribution of condoms to sailors when his boss was away from the office one day. Hurrah!

The term ‘posh wank’ refers to the act of masturbation in a condom. The other definition is lying on your arm until it goes to sleep and then doing your business so it feels like someone else is doing it. A third definition is to do the horizontal handshake with a long glove on. Or you could do what I do - have quiché.

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