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Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Fascinating Facts! Lulu

Things We Found Out Using The Web In Under An Hour

Boom-bang-a-bang - it's Lulu, everyone!

THINGS THAT ARE CONFIRMED
Lulu was born on November 3rd, 1948 and according to her biography 'She started singing almost immediately'. While checking to poo-poo this, I discovered that foetal vocal cords do work 18 weeks after conception - while still in the womb. Please, do not forward this Simon Cowell else we'll get another version of S Club.

Lulu started singing publicly at the age of 4. Ten years later, she was discovered by Marion Massey, who wasn't put off by her bizarre ensemble of a fur hat and curlers in her hair she was wearing at the time. Says Marion, "I was very intrigued by her. It wasn't her singing; there was something tremendously magnetic about this girl. I knew she had the makings of a great star." As you may have discovered in previous Fascinating Facts, the human body does indeed possess a magnetic field, but this has never been able to attract more than a household iron.

There is no record of how tall Marion is, or whether she can press woollen clothing on a low setting.

Lulu was born 'Marie McDonald McLaughlin Lawrie', which can be anagrammed into 'Hi! I'm a call-girl and cruel madwomen'. She got her name when Marion exclaimed "That girl is one lulu of a singer!" Thank goodness she never said 'Fucker!' or 'Shit-Hot!'.

From 1969 to 1973, Lulu was married to pop star Maurice Gibb, when she was just 20, in a Buckinghamshire church. She wanted a quiet wedding, but over 1000 well-wishers turned up, and several were hurt as they swarmed towards her green Rolls-Royce.

Lulu is five foot one inch tall. Which is, in that universal measurement, is around ten bags of sugar high. Which is roughly 4000 calories, which converts into 0.006238 horsepower. The average Rolls Royce is 21 horsepower, meaning Lulu is approximately 1/3366th of the car that drove her to her wedding.

After Gibb, Lulu got married to hairdresser John Frieda - which is enough to make your hair curl. They had a son, Jordan Frieda (porn name, oh yes) who is now an actor, presumably with lovely hair and a nice voice. Lulu and Frieda lasted twenty years together before their split. Ends.

Over her 36-year career Lulu has enjoyed 16 top 40 hits. Her UK career hit its height when she entered the Eurovision Song Contest in 1969 with Boom-Bang-A-Bang. It provided her with her highest UK chart position - number two.

Oddly, Boom-Bang-A-Bang was the second choice for the entry; the first one was by a young songwriting team, Elton John and Bernie Taupin. They were gutted when they found out their efforts had been passed over. Still. She won. Bless.

Lulu has an accomplished TV career too, with a spate of shows in the sixties, and also starred with Sidney Poitier in 'To Sir, With Love' in 1967.

Of late, Lulu's been a little bit of a career vampire, and bolstering her uneasy position in the limelight by preying on unsuspecting celebs. Ronan Keating, Atomic Kitten - they've all fallen into her mandibles. Two most notable occurrences of this are in 1990 when she guested on the Take That hit song Relight My Fire. In May 2002, she was seen dallying around with 21-year-old soap jawline Stuart Manning; they said it didn't work because of the age difference. We said it didn't work because she dried up around the time of the Nolan's last hit, and he was so gay he was one of the only pink things that could be seen from space. Well, I ask you.

In the space year 2000, Lulu was awarded an OBE for her contribution to the entertainment industry. This is despite 'Red Alert with the National Lottery', which first screened in November 1999, which almost killed the National Lottery brand. It is not to be confused with 'Red Alert', the role-playing game where an evil power seeks to take over the West using any means necessary, including mind control.

THINGS THAT ARE UNCONFIRMED
Lulu actually moved into The Ivy Restaurant in 1984. Since then, she can be found at Table 43 - a booth at the back, near the fire exit. At the end of the night, she'd drunk so much that she's keeled over into her complimentary breadsticks, and the staff just draw a curtain around it until she wakes in the morning for her first audience. Regular diners with her are well-known licky lesbian couple Betty Boothroyd and Patricia Routledge (who always order the gammon) and they regularly smuggle in Pot Noodles for the pint-sized pop princess betwixt their ample cleavage.

Lulu is made of a titanium alloy, and was fitted with a RAM63 fog horn (now discontinued). If the RAM63 fails, Lulu will no longer be able to perform 'Shout'.

5 foot 1 inch Lulu was made to play an Ewok by her agent in the film Return of the Jedi. She is the one who gets shot by the AT-ST during the final push of the Rebellion, and did her own stunts.

Staff at The Ivy have created a cocktail in the honour of the singer. 'The Lulu' contains three parts gin, two parts absinthe, four parts gin, eight parts scotch, five parts gin, two parts Duckhams Hypergrade, seven parts Benson and Hedges, and a teaspoon of those little silver balls you find on cakes.

1 comment:

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