Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Load of Cock

WARNING: CONTAINS DELIBERATE SPOILERS

Something else I did this weekend was go and see Van Helsing. It is, by far, one of the worst pieces of nonsense committed to celluloid. And please bear in mind that I do own a copy of Spiceworld: The Movie.

Now, I'm an apathetic sort, so rather than stand in front of the Empire, Leicester Square with a placard announcing 'WORST FILM EVER' I shall merely present you with my shortened interpretation of the script so a) you can see how awful it is, and b) feel like you've seen it and happily chitter on about it to all your friends around the watercooler on Monday. Enjoy.



VAN HELSING: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT


The UNIVERSAL LOGO turns BLACK AND WHITE to hammer home that this is a blockbuster, as only blockbusters are allowed to mess with logos.

Suddenly we are in PARIS where our hero, HUGH JACKMAN is fighting MR HYDE. There is lots of EXPENSIVE yet UNREALISTIC CGI on the screen at once.

STEPHEN SOMMERS:
Isn't this fabulous? I'm the director, writer and producer and can claim all the credit! I did ask Industrial Light and Magic how their schedule for doing the CGI was for this year. They said, 'What part?' and I said 'All of it!'. I even asked their workers to bring in their kids! Anyone who could crayon was thrown at this film!

THE AUDIENCE:
Is that all you think will sate us?

SOMMERS:
Yes! Not only that! I'm also going to wank furiously into each and every film can sent to every cinema in the world! Mmmf!

Anyway.

HUGH goes and claims his ANNOYING COMEDY SIDEKICK who, of course, hasn't slept with a woman and is good with gadgets. SIDEKICK waves a sphere under his nose.

SIDEKICK:
I'm not sure what this does! It explodes with the light of a sun!

HUGH:
Bring it anyway.

THE AUDIENCE (uneasily):
Excuse me? You don't know what it is for? You're going to fight vampires, and you have no idea of what you're going to do with a sphere that explodes with the light of a sun? Something tells us the director has underestimated our intelligence...

Enter A PAIR OF BOOTS with KATE BECKINSALE'S BOOBS attached.

KATE:
I have never seen the sea.

This now means that she is MARKED FOR DEATH and won't make it to the INEVITABLE SEQUEL.

HUGH:
You'd think like that if you'd lost your memories.

KATE:
Your memories? You have lost your memories?

HUGH:
Yes. My memories. Lost.

KATE:
Lost. You. Memories. Have.

HUGH:
Yes. I can't think of any other way of saying it.

THE AUDIENCE:
We get it already!

SOMMERS:
But don't you see! He has a Dark Past, unlike any other blockbuster hero!

THE AUDIENCE (in unison):
Batman!

SOMMERS (soothing):
Shush! Here's some more CGI!

The screen brightens into a distracting fight sequence which has no bearing on the flimsy plot. It is vaguely hypnotic.

HUGH fights VAMPIRES. HUGH fights the WOLFMAN. HUGH fights some more VAMPIRES.

WILL KEMP thrashes around in his pants once more. This is THE ONLY REASON TO SEE THIS FILM.

But lo! HUGH has been bitten by the WOLFMAN. He then explains some contrived bobbins where he has to kill the vampire by the first stroke of midnight but be given the cure by the last.

There is a big FACE OFF between HUGH and DRACULA.

DRACULA:
We've known each other for years, you know, you and I. Hundreds of years. Oh yes.

HUGH:
Oh yes?

DRACULA:
Yes. Hundreds. Although I'm not going to give you any specifics.

HUGH:
That does sound like it hasn't really been thought out by the writer, doesn't it?

DRACULA shrugs and launches at HUGH. The first chime sounds. HUGH launches at DRACULA in a whirl of distracting CGI.

Minutes go by. Then some more. More expensive things are blown up to sidetrack the audience. They aren't buying it.

THE AUDIENCE:
Stephen Sommers! It has been at least ten minutes since the first clock strike! What's going on?

SOMMERS:
Only (pant) two-hundred and thirty-eight cans (wheeze) to go! Can someone nip out and get me some Baby-Oil? I'm getting a little chapped...

More CGI fighting between two invincible creatures. These two fake-looking creatures bear no resemblance to our hero or antagonist. Which means that THE AUDIENCE is more than slightly detached by it all. All of a sudden, KATE arrives with the cure, and the SIDEKICK arrives with the stake. SOMETHING HAPPENS that means HUGH is back to normal and KATE is dead.

THE AUDIENCE:
Huh?

SOMMERS:
Look at that! What a climax! What an ending! Van Helsing is not like any other hero in cinema history!

KATE is buried by the sea. As we all expected. And the smoke from the pyre rises and forms KATE's smiling face.

THE AUDIENCE (ironically):
Well, we weren't expecting that.

SOMMERS:
Did I tell you Return of the Jedi is my favorite film? Such pathos! Well, I'm spent.

THE AUDIENCE:
So are we! A tenner to get in, and two hours of our life watching this piffle! And how exactly did those horses jump the crevasse with a carriage attached? And why was the entrance to Dracula's castle in Frankenstein's? And why did Dracula move all the equipment from Frankenstein's castle to his own at the end of the film? Oh, our heads hurt just trying to make sense of it!

SOMMERS (looking down):
So does mine, now. Still, all should be back on track for the sequel! Did I tell you Hugh's mother was going to be the Loch Ness Monster...

THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS.


(with apologies to Rod Hilton, who does these far better.)

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