Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Breaking the Veil

I'm typing this with my bloodied nose, dear reader, so please excuse any spelling mistakes.

It all started with that televisual mind-bender Derren Brown holding a seance on Channel 4 last night. Now, I find this Derren oddly attractive, but I can never be sure whether I've been hypnotised into thinking that.

It may just be his frock coat.

Anyway. I dislike any seances, televised or no, purely because my Evil Best Friend Declan tends to start spitting, talking in tongues, you know the sort - and before you know it, they're on to his human form and all hell is literally breaking loose. So, I dutifully sent him a text to warn him of the troubles ahead and he told me he'd already taken care of it.

Now, I've known Declan for years, and when he says that he's 'taken care of it', you normally start to worry. But I was a good third into a Patricia Cornwell and a good half into a bottle of sherry, so I foolishly didn't think any more of it and went to bed. It transpires the little monkey had diverted all his energy to me. I'd become his evil answerphone.

So I then spent the night throwing up and shouting. The problem is that the line I was meant to be shouting was sent over using a rather poor fax, and I ended up bellowing 'Your mother darns socks in hell!' and, before I knew it, the door was thrown open and I was on the bed being straddled by a priest. And I didn't get a wink of sleep all night!

Frankly, it was like that camping holiday in 1992 all over again.

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