Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, July 19, 2004

The Glitter For Brains TeleMarathon: Enterprise!

Warning: Contains Spoilers!
 
What cock is this? Why, it's Star Trek: Enterprise, everyone! Goodness, did we have nothing better to do?
 
THIS SEASON IN 25 WORDS OR LESS
Captain Archer must stop the Xindi from blowing up Earth with a big weapon by any means necessary. But we know he'll probably use diplomacy.
 
MOST POINTLESS DEATH
The hopes and dreams of all Trekkies! Ho ho!
 
We must say, we were all rather surprised at Glitter for Brains when they announced that they were bringing Enterprise back for a third season. Here was the last gasp at milking the Star Trek cash cow, when - frankly - even the Hindus would have put a bullet through its brain and turned its hooves into pick-n-mix.
 
DOES IT CONTAIN A MACHIAVELLIAN BITCH
No. Well, sort of. There's a kind of ethereal sphere-builder lady-thing. But all she does is stand around in what appears to be a sauna on a gimball, chatting to her knitting circle. Not so much machiavellian as mumsy.
 
FUNNIEST MOMENT
Oh, too many to mention! Every painful moment when they put the Vulcan Topov and the saucy engineer Chip together for a bit of 'chemistry'. Every time Archer tries to brood about what he's doing. Oh, and security chief's Malcolm rant about 'acceptable losses' - hilarious! And lets not forget the fact that there seems to be at least one welder per crewmember on board this year. Frankly, it's the only way the sparks were flying - there was sod all between the Vulcan and Starfleet Totty!
 
Oh, and the aforementioned sauna is also a joy. These all-mighty sphere builders are all there, posturing and saying 'We must do something!' while the camera zooms past them in a semi-stylish manner. But why is this funny? If you've seen the title sequence to 'Kath and Kim', the perennial Aussie comedy, you'll joyfully clap your hands like a spastic at the similarities.
 
MISSED OPPORTUNITY
Surprisingly few! The odd thing about this season is that it excelled everything we expected from the previous shenanigans aboard Enterprise, and while this still is in no way unmissable television, it is edging dangerously towards 'competent'. We had a story arc! Slight character development! A continually battle damaged ship that wasn't fixed between episodes! Alien sex and drug addiction! And even more of Chief Saucepot Chip in his space-pants! Hoo!
 
So we shall plumb for the outcome of dear Hiroshi's story arc, where she clearly should have resigned after that nasty Mr Archer bullied her addled brain into solving the plot, er, bomb codes with seconds to spare. Then, at the start of the next series, he could have tried to persuade her back, reintroducing her and the audience to the new and improved Enterprise. Well, that would have been nice, if it wasn't for the daffy cliffhanger.
 
Oh? Don't you know? Well look!
 
DOES IT CONTAIN SPACE NAZIS?
Why, yes! Yes it does! Hurrah! Of course, there's absolutely no reason for it! Which makes it even more joyous!
 
After all the action, dear Captain Archer wakes up back on Earth, and he's in a WWII Nazi encampment! On no discernable grounds! The final shot of the season is the camp's leader turning around to reveal he's an alien! Woo! Well, thank heavens we haven't had Nazis in Star Trek before in any way, shape or form, else this would look hackneyed and cheap.
 
Pardon?
 
Oh, we have?
 
Oh.
 
SUM IT ALL UP IN A FABULOUS LETTER
'Dear The Producers of Star Trek,
 
Your fans are an obsessive, detail-obsessed bunch (often a little bit wiffy, may we add). Do you think you can honestly get away with re-hashing old scripts for the umpteenth time without anyone noticing?
 
All our heart,
The Gays
Xx
 
 
PS - Would it kill you to do an episode about the joys of deodorant? You know, it may just help...'
 
FINALLY...
Good lord, it seems that someone's actually trying to turn Trek towards drama - no matter how hard the wheels protest. There was even stabs at acting in the franchise since dear Picard proclaimed that there were only four lights after all (we can't remember what they were on, but we'd like to think it was around a vanity mirror). And some of it came off well, some of it oddly awkward - so we give you our blessing to fire that useless actor who mans the helm.
 
And lo! A story arc that didn't seem plodding and weighed down, something that even the luminary Buffy The Vampire Slayer was guilty of. We'd like more of this next year, please! With some more original ideas, and less Space Nazis. Go on - we know you can do it!

 And that's that! Thank you for watching!

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