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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

2004: A Straight Odyssey

I'm determined not to have a horrid time after my altercation with The Gay Council, now being a gayer who's not allowed to be gay. A Poof without Portfolio. A 'Persona Non Glitter', if you will. It merely involves a careful adjustment of my existing lifestyle. For example, my gym routine used to be:

Hang around the changing rooms til beautiful Dan the Instructor finished in the shower in order to catch a glimpse, go and play on the cross-trainer while miming to Girls Aloud, go and lift some free weights above my head (I liked those, as you can hit them together and they go 'ting!' like Madonna finger-cymbals), and then go and hang around the changing rooms some more.

Now, it is:

15 minutes on the cross-trainer (well, 13. The other two are spent going-towards-the-white-light, the electric jolt, and the return to my heavily-panting body), 20KG free-weights, rowing machine for 5 reps then, er, some more lifty-things for a bit. I'm sorry about the fey vagaries of the last bit, but I've only had my Gay Card removed for a couple of days and it really is a steep learning curve. Did you know there was more than one football team? I didn't. Although it does explain a lot, in retrospect.

Music also proves to be a new realm. With no Girls Aloud, well, allowed, I've been exposed to all sorts of stuff. Some of it, I have to say, is nonsense. Who is this The Hives? They appear to be a Rolling Stones tribute band that someone mistakenly put in the 'mainstream' section of HMV. How very odd. And this R&B... it all sounds the same! Does no-one get the joke?

Still, one must make the best of it. I'm am very worried about my dear Wife, though. Since their declaration that I'm not allowed a boyfriend, I've been somewhat concerned for his safety from these all-powerful maries. Well, they've removed him from the picture for a couple of days with a sudden cold, and he's announced that he's off to Morocco at the end of next week. Hmm. While I can cope with most of the things I'm not allowed, the Wife is sacrosanct to me. I just have this horrid feeling he's coming back re-cast as a bubbly blonde called Tina...

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