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Monday, August 09, 2004

Glitter For Brains At The Movies: Garfield!

Eschewing the gloriously hot weather this weekend, Glitter For Brains sensibly spent most of it in darkened, air-conditioned cinemas watching utter nonsense. So you can go on about your business of getting tans and social lives, we're going to present some abridged scripts so you can pretend you've seen them and not waste two hours of your life! First up, childhood hero, Garfield!


GARFIELD: THE ABIDGED SCRIPT


We are introduced to GARFIELD. He is CGI and has a famous voice. Unlike anything else in this movie. Which is slightly off-putting.

THE AUDIENCE:
So, is this Garfield? He appears to be a lot more sassy that we recall. For one, he appears to be flipping us the finger in the movie poster.

PETER HEWITT:
Ah, that was me - the director of this film - in a cat suit, showing I have complete respect for my audience! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be, er, somewhere else...

THE AUDIENCE:
But who's going to be looking after the film?

PETER HEWITT (around door):
Oh, CGI can fix anything! Bye!

We watch a couple of antics with GARFIELD. He does not appear to be the ESTABLISHED CHARACTER, but rather a WEAKER, HUMOURLESS cousin. This leaves THE AUDIENCE a little perturbed. Finally, GARFIELD jumps into bed with BRECKIN MEYER. They cuddle.

BRECKIN MEYER:
Every day, I love you more and more, Garfield.

THE AUDIENCE is even more disturbed by this almost bestial love-story. So it is almost fortunate when JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT arrives to be the love interest. She is KOOKY. And LOVES ANIMALS. As WE ALL SHOULD, apparently. She hands BRECKIN MEYER another sexless lover called ODIE, a dog that is NOT CGI. BRECKIN once more overly-proclaims his love for ODIE. ODIE, the dog, then acts both BRECKIN MEYER and JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT off the screen.

THE AUDIENCE:
What is that noise? We're sure we can hear something next door...

GLITTER FOR BRAINS:
Is it Amanda Tapping?

THE AUDIENCE:
Shut up.

Anyway. Odie is stolen by THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY. GARFIELD vows to get him back because they are now FRIENDS, despite this being COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.

THE AUDIENCE:
Is this going to be the plot? Tell me this isn't the plot.

BILL MURRAY:
From what I can tell, yes. I found the cocktail napkin with the whole screenplay on it.

THE AUDIENCE:
Bill Murray! Respected actor! What are you doing in this nonsense?

BILL MURRAY:
I'd like to say it's the symmetry of I played Peter Venkman in the Ghostbuster films. Which was then played by Lorenzo Music in the Ghostbusters animated series. Lorenzo Music then played Garfield in the animated TV series of Garfield, thus meaning I have to play the voice of Garfield in the live-action movie version. This brings the whole thing full circle.

THE AUDIENCE:
You took the money and ran, didn't you?

BILL MURRAY (hangs head):
Yes.

THE AUDIENCE:
Bill Murray. Shame on you.

The rescue of ODIE continues. Halfway through the chase, the CGI BUDGET runs out. GARFIELD is now played by A BOX BEING DRAGGED ACROSS A ROAD BY STRING WITH THE VOICE OF BILL MURRAY. Finally, GARFIELD CREATOR JIM DAVIS sells a little more of his SOUL to get some more money for the CGI CLIMAX.

THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY:
Odie will perform for me! Particularly when he's fitted with this shock collar!

THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY's ASSISTANT:
A shock collar? But that's inhuman!

GARFIELD:
How inhuman! That's a shock collar!

The SUBTITLE 'Shock Collars Are Inhuman' is then flashed onscreen for the remainder of the movie.

Eventually THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY is cornered by ODIE and GARFIELD. From NOWHERE all their ANIMAL FRIENDS WHO ARE NOT CGI appear and attack THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY. In the biggest irony since irony began, THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY ends up with the SHOCK COLLAR on.

GARFIELD:
Lets see how you like having a shock collar - which is inhuman - on!

THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY gets A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE.

GARFIELD:
Odie! It's good to have you back! I have missed you so much. We are now the best of friends - because friends can do anything together!

The SUBTITLE 'Friends are important' is then flashed onscreen for the remainder of the movie.

The movie ends with GARFIELD and ODIE on a chair. GARFIELD pushes ODIE off in a slight reference to the GARFIELD CHARACTER that we have read for twenty-odd years. GARFIELD then helps him up because FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT.

THE AUDIENCE:
We've just realised what that noise next door is. It's the sound of our childhood being raped by Peter Hewitt!

PETER HEWITT (around door):
Aha! Yes! Up the bad way! With no lube!

THE AUDIENCE:
But that's inhuman!

END.


(with apologies to Rod Hilton, who does these far better.)

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