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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Glitter For Brains At The Movies: I, Robot!

As we mentioned, we spent the weekend wedged in an air-conditioned palace watching movies, while you lot were out having dinners with friends and other sociable activities! We did rather enjoy this little film, but there are some things in it that are very, very wrong. If you don't want most of the plot spoiled, skip on as it is worth seeing. Else, lets take a look at...

I, ROBOT: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS



WILL SMITH wakes from a very expensive-looking DREAM, sweaty and breathing heavily. He then mopes around his flat for ten minutes. This is to show that he is a TORTURED HERO, and there is something in his PAST. This EMOTIONAL MOMENT is somewhat MARRED by the DIRECTOR lingering over WILL SMITH's JVC STEREO and CONVERSE SNEAKERS.

THE AUDIENCE:
Alex Proyas! Director of this movie! What are you trying to do?

ALEX PROYAS:
You... will... buy... Converse Sneakers...

THE AUDIENCE:
We think not. Get on with it.

WILL SMITH is called to the death scene of JAMES CROMWELL. There is a JAMES CROMWELL HOLOGRAM there. It is never ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED why the HOLOGRAM can't just tell WILL SMITH who murdered JAMES CROMWELL, other than it spins out the MOVIE for TWO HOURS.

Enter SUSAN CALVIN. She is not the 80-YEAR-OLD EMOTIONLESS SPINSTER of the books, but a YOUNG BOUNCY GIRL who will look good on the COVER of MAGAZINES. She does have her HAIR UP and REFUSES to MOVE HER FACE in slight reference to the ORIGINAL CHARACTER. They go and meet SONNY, the ROBOT SUSPECT.

SONNY:
Hello. I'm the cutesy robot the whole toy range will be marketed with.

THE AUDIENCE:
You know, he looks rather familiar...

ALEX PROYAS:
Yeah, we bought the name 'I, Robot' so we could tie in with Apple. Think about it - i-Mac, i-Book, i-Robot...

THE AUDIENCE:
Alex Proyas, is there nothing in this film you're trying to sell us?

ALEX PROYAS:
Nice Rolex! Get your nice Rolex! Not fake!

THE AUDIENCE rolls its eyes.

Suddenly SUSAN CALVIN is in a fitted top, and her hair is unravelled. This is to show that WILL SMITH has brought emotion into her life.

THE AUDIENCE
When are the robots going to start rampaging?

ALEX PROYAS:
How do you know about that?

THE AUDIENCE:
Oh come on! The whole marketing campaign hinges around it! Have you seen your own trailer?

So the ROBOTS start attacking WILL SMITH's AUDI. It EXPLODES, but not before showing how safe and reliable AUDIs are.

WILL SMITH (through airbag):
Oh no! You have ruined by Converse trainers! I'll get you!

One ROBOT appears and starts FIGHTING WILL SMITH. WILL SMITH's ARM is damaged. It is REVEALED that his ARM is ROBOTIC.

THE AUDIENCE:
So, does this mean Will Smith is a robot?

ALEX PROYAS:
Nonono, it's my slightly-detached direction that makes you think that for a while.

THE AUDIENCE:
Aw. Shame. We'd got his programming sorted and everything!

10 IF MOVIE="tense" THEN WISECRACK,
20 ELSE IF MOVIE="over" THEN RAP,
30 GOTO 10

The ROBOTS are now rampaging through THE CITY. Meanwhile, SUSAN CALVIN is now in LEATHERS, with a daringly LOW-CUT TOP and a SEXY HAIRCUT. Which is odd, as she was SLIGHTLY EMOTIONLESS and wearing a HIGH-COLLAR TUNIC like a VIRGINITY SHIELD not half-an-hour ago. In another THIRTY MINUTES she will be POLE-DANCING.

THE AUDIENCE:
Did anyone else notice that Will Smith's JVC stereo had more screen time than James Cromwell?

THE KILLER is REVEALED. It sort of works if you don't EXAMINE IT TOO CLOSELY. WILL SMITH and SUSAN CALVIN are involved in a DEATH-DEFYING BATTLE OF SURVIVAL that is detracted from by OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC CAMERA WORK.

Everything then RETURNS TO NORMAL. The ROBOTS are placed into STORAGE for the INEVITABLE SEQUEL.

WILL SMITH:
Ah, by the end of the movie, we have learned many things. I have learned that I can trust robots, as well as my faithful Converse sneakers!

SUSAN CALVIN:
And I have learned that emotions do have a place in my life, but only when triggered by hulking gorgeous brutes in Converse sneakers!

CAPTION: 'Dr Susan Calvin went on to star in a series of soft porn film, and can currently be seen in "I, Harlot"'

RUN CREDITS

THE AUDIENCE (leaving):
Wow. Will Smith must really be a serious actor now. We counted only six annoying wise-cracks and he isn't rapping over the end of the film. And we really must get a pair of Converse sneakers...

ALEX PROYAS (from behind concessions stand):
Popcorn! Get your popcorn!

END.


(with apologies to Rod Hilton, who does these far better.)

1 comment:

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