Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, August 27, 2004

A Not-Very-Fabulous Letter

Calamities! As per darling Jay's emission in my comments box a few days ago, I did indeed call Lulu a Scouser. And yesterday, I blithely announced that Gates McFadden was in Season Two of The Next Generation. So, I received this startling memo this lunch time, headed 'A Fabulous Letter':

'Dear Mr Binding,

'It has recently come to our notice that you have mistakenly attributed the regional accent of one of our National Treasures to be incorrect. Lulu is, in fact, Scottish. Not Liverpudlian. This unforgivable mistake was compounded with a further incident when you stated Gates McFadden was in the second season of Star Trek TNG, when any gay man worth his bath salt knows that this was when she was off being pregnant/in rehab/fired.

'Due to this unforgivable error, we are foreclosing your Gayness. You will cease and desist any Gay Activities. You are no longer allowed:

'The use of the word 'fabulous', 'marvellous' or 'icon'.
'To accept delivery of an IKEA catalogue.
'To go within 20-foot of a podium (class-a disco or otherwise).
'To drink Babycham, Cosmopolitans, Smirnoff Ice, or anything that would come under the heading "Bitch Piss" or "Tart Fuel".
'The use of any moisturisers, lotions or face-care products at all.
'A boyfriend.

'Also, your Gay Card is now rescinded. All points you have collected on it will be passed over to the Liza Minelli Memorial Fund.
Please post the Card back in the enclosed envelope.

'Along with your copy of Clueless.

'Lots of love
'The Gays

Sob! What am I to do?!

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