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Friday, September 10, 2004

Glitter for Brains In The Dock: The Defence!

There follows the court transcript of the case: THE GAY COUNCIL AGAINST LEE BINDING, dated 09/09/04.

PRESIDING: Ms Justice Judith Chalmers
DEFENDANT: Mr Lee Binding
DEFENCE LAWYER: Cher
PROSECUTION: The Gay Council



COURT: All rise for Judge Judith Chalmers!

JUDGE JUDITH: All right, all right. Sit down. Now, have you sacked that court stenographer for spelling my name wrong yesterday?

COURT: Oh yes. He's been put to work in your very own Nivea mines, Mistress Judith.

JUDGE JUDITH: Good. There shall be a bumper crop this year... I can almost feel my carroty skin loosening at the thought...

COUNSEL CHER: Excuse me, if it pleases your honour-

JUDGE JUDITH: Let record note that very little does.

COUNSEL CHER: Well, yes. We'd very much like to get the defence over with. My client is eager to get back to his wonderfully charitable, philanthropic lifestyle. And I do have my seventh farewell tour to arrange.

JUDGE JUDITH: Agreed. Let's get this pantomime together. But can we have this with a bit more show? A bit more... umph, perhaps?

COUNSEL CHER: Now would that please you?

JUDGE JUDITH: Very little does.

COUNSEL CHER: Well. Alright. Please call to the stand, Mr Binding's arresting officer, WPC World!

(Applause. Theme tune. WPC World takes the stand)

COUNSEL CHER: I need you to raise your right hand and place your left one on this Abercrombie and Fitch advert. You swear or affirm that the statements you're about to make are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, er, me?

WPC WORLD: I do.

COUNSEL CHER: Now, Miss World, when you arrested the defendant to bring him to court, you were in your squad car. Were your blue lights flashing?

WPC WORLD: Yes.

COUNSEL CHER: Did the defendant say anything to you when he got out of his car?

WPC WORLD: Yes ma'am.

COUNSEL CHER: What did he say to you?

WPC WORLD: He said, "What disco am I at?"

COUNSEL CHER: Now, does that sound like the actions of a heterosexual man to you?

PROSECUTION: Objection, your honour! This just further proves that Mr Binding was operating without a licence!

COUNSEL CHER: Exactly! Your honour, my point is that gayness now so ingrained in the populous, it should not be dictated by cards and councils! Even without the presence of a little card, my client was still capable of operating as a complete screaming mary.

JUDGE JUDITH: Hmm. I'll let it stand. Argument dismissed.

PROSECUTION: Excuse me, your honour, but if that were the case-

JUDGE JUDITH: Will the Prosecution please shut his cake-hole!

(Jerry Springer-style whoops and hollers from the balcony)

COUNSEL CHER: Will the defence please take the stand?

(Shuffling as WPC World leaves, Mr Binding takes the stand)

DEFENDANT LEE: You're very good at this, you know. Just like in 'Suspect'.

COUNSEL CHER: Thank you.

DEFENDANT LEE: You should do it on telly or something.

COUNSEL CHER: Really?

DEFENDANT LEE: Yeah. You could call it 'Moonstruck-lighting'. Or - ooh! - maybe 'Cher and Order'!

COUNSEL CHER: What a nice idea!

DEFENDANT LEE: And you could go around being a strong but feminine lawyer, and-

JUDGE JUDITH: Order in the court!

COUNSEL CHER & DEFENDANT LEE & PROSECUTION: Vodka and Orange!

JUDGE JUDITH: Just get on with it.

COUNSEL CHER: I need you to raise your right hand and place your left one on this Flashdance video. You swear or affirm that the statements you're about to make are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, me?

DEFENDANT LEE: I do.

COUNSEL CHER: Mr Binding, you are now under oath. Now, did you feel any different once your Gay Card was removed?

DEFENDANT LEE: A little subjugated, maybe. Like I couldn't do handstands any more.

COUNSEL CHER: Interesting. And could you do handstands previously?

DEFENDANT LEE: You know, now you come to mention it - no!

PROSECUTION: Oh, come on. The amount of times your heels have been above your head...

COUNSEL CHER: Objection, your honour! Unnecessary bitchiness!

DEFENDANT LEE: No, it is true. He has a point.

COUNSEL CHER: Mr Binding, but other than handstands, you really felt no different? What about the urge for this!

(For the record, the Defence Council produces Exhibit A: a hoola-hoop.)

DEFENDANT LEE: Wow! Yes, I'd still hoola!

COUNSEL CHER: Ah-ah-ah. It's mine. Anyway, I bet you can't do this.

(The Defence Council uses Exhibit A spectacularly. Applause.)

DEFENDANT LEE: No. Not really.

COUNSEL CHER: Thank you. No further questions.

(The Defence leaves the stand)

COUNSEL CHER: We call to the stand - The Prosecution!

(There is a general murmur from the balcony)

PROSECUTION: Alright, I'll play along.

(The Prosecution takes the stand)

COUNSEL CHER: I need you to raise your right hand and place your left one on this signed picture of Jackie Collins. You swear or affirm that the statements you're about to make are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, me?

PROSECUTION: I do.

COUNSEL CHER: What were the main crimes of my client?

PROSECUTION: Can I have that Jackie picture when you're done. I heart her.

COUNSEL CHER: Maybe. Can you answer the question.

PROSECUTION: Mr Binding was being fabulous without a licence. Oh, and mixing up Cilla Black and Lulu.

COUNSEL CHER: I propose that you, a Gay Council member, can do no better. We call to the court, Exhibits B and C. Cilla Black and Lulu!

(Enter Exhibits B & C. They duet. Applause.)

COUNSEL CHER: Now, Council member, can you tell these two red-haired celebs apart?

PROSECUTION: Indeed I can. That's Cilla. And that's Lulu.

COUNSEL CHER: And what if they turn around?

PROSECUTION: That's Cilla and that one there is Lulu.

COUNSEL CHER: And what if we put lamp shades over their heads?

PROSECUTION: Er...

COUNSEL CHER: Is that a no, Councillor?

PROSECUTION: Is that Cilla?

COUNSEL CHER: Let the record show that the prosecution cannot tell the difference between Cilla and Lulu either. Thank you, ladies. Now. Councillor, what can you tell me about the Gay Card.

PROSECUTION: They are to allow the carrier to be a fabulous gay!

COUNSEL CHER: But you do admit that the cards offer no benefits at all?

PROSECUTION: The cards have benefits.

COUNSEL CHER: And they would be..?

PROSECUTION: Er. Well. Er... Oh! Money off any videos with ballroom dancing in. And I discovered you can use it to jimmy the lock of Emma Bunton's front door.

COUNSEL CHER: But other than that, the Gay Card is of no use whatsoever.

PROSECUTION: But it enables people to be fabulous!

COUNSEL CHER: Councillor, people don't need cards to be fabulous. Do they?

PROSECUTION: That is difficult to-

COUNSEL CHER: A simple yes or no, councillor.

PROSECUTION: No.

COUNSEL CHER: Thank you. No further questions, your honour.

JUDGE JUDITH: Good. What was her lounge like?

PROSECUTION: Excuse me?

JUDGE JUDITH: Emma Bunton's. What was her lounge like?

PROSECUTION: Smelt of Doritos.

JUDGE JUDITH: As I suspected. You may leave the stand.

COUNSEL CHER: The Defence rests, your honour.

JUDGE JUDITH: Right. Prosecution, would you like to sum up?

PROSECUTION: I think there's very little to say, your honour. Mr Binding has freely admitted to the crimes put before him several times in this court.

JUDGE JUDITH: Fine. Cher?

COUNSEL CHER: No. It's my hoola-hoop.

JUDGE JUDITH: (sighs) Council Cher, will you please sum up.

COUNSEL CHER: If it pleases your honour-

COUNSEL CHER & JUDGE JUDITH: (together) And very little does.

COUNSEL CHER: -we move that my client is not only innocent, but that the Gay Council is a defunct organisation that preys on the fabulous and forces them to conform to outmoded models.

JUDGE JUDITH: What are you suggesting, Councillor Cher?

DEFENDANT LEE: That the Gay Council be disbanded!

(gasps from the balcony)

JUDGE JUDITH: (looking up) Oh, you're still awake, then.

PROSECUTION: This is outrageous! You can't do this!

DEFENDANT LEE: We can. It says in your own manifesto that the practices of the Council can be questioned when, and only when, a Councillor is in the presence of a b-list celeb or higher! Your knowledge is out of date, your practices archaic! No one cares about Norma Desmond any more! You've had thousands of years to mull over the best culture as to offer, and you've simply become staid and musty!

PROSECUTION: Objection! Your honour, all this is to detract from the charges brought against the defendant!

JUDGE JUDITH: Agreed. You're playing a very dangerous game, Mr Binding...

DEFENDANT LEE: But if they get their way, people can be subjugated for the slightest unfabulous thing! Yesterday, you yourself said you worked for BBC and not ITV. Under their system, that means that you could be stripped of your status as Gay Icon! And you know what that means?

JUDGE JUDITH: Gasp! I couldn't wear leopard-print to the pub! Or be allowed to wake up pissed from the night before still caked in my make-up!

DEFENDANT LEE: Exactly! This draconian dictatorship should be stopped!

PROSECUTION: This is outrageous! He's been planning this all along!

JUDGE JUDITH: Shut up!

(Whoops and hollers from the balcony)

JUDGE JUDITH: Order in the court!

EVERYONE IN THE COURT: VODKA AND ORANGE!

JUDGE JUDITH: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. in an unprecedented move, please take your time to consider these two verdicts. We shall reconvene for the verdict later today.

(gavel bangs. Theme tune.)

COUNSEL CHER: (whispers) I really hope you know what you're doing.

DEFENDANT LEE: (whispers) You know, now I'm not so sure...


Transcript halted as court adjourned for verdict. Session reconvenes later.

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