Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Glitter for Brains In The Dock: The Epilogue!

Well, that was odd. It's the first time I've been in a court with its own Green Room.

My apologies for not being around yesterday - it was my first day of Gay Community Service, as ruled by the batty Judge Judith. It's not too hard a deal, and seems to mostly involve giving d-list celebs a bed-bath and taking Su Pollard her Meals-on-Wheels. Oh, and cleaning up Old Compton Street first thing on a morning - but let's face it, the times when I've been trawling up and down there trying to pick up Boyz is already too numerous to mention. It transpires Judge Judith didn't like my eyes. Thought they were too squinty, and that they harbored evil intent. Gertie came to a similar conclusion when he visited me in my cell:

Me (weary, Brummie): I can't take much more of this. My once green eyes are red with worry.
Him (cheerful, Oxbridge): Your eyes have colour?
Me: Yes. A charming green. Why?
Him: Oh. I always thought they were black coals of utter despair and unforgiving humiliation.

In comparison to the Gay Council, I suppose I got off lightly. They've been ordered to cease and desist all activity prior to being audited properly, which is a marvelous thing. And as she and Judith got on so well, Cher was appointed to oversee the investigation. I think she was secretly delighted by this as it gave her a chance to nick all the signed pictures of herself and stick them on eBay. "Fabulous doesn't pay for itself," she's always telling me. "And AA batteries aren't free, either," she adds, often with a hungry look in her eye.

Fortunately, Cher pointed out that it will take around one week for all Gay Council assets to be seized and accounted, so I should be free of my duties by Friday. And not before too long! And she'd kindly posted back my Gay Card - purely symbolic now, really - but it makes me feel a little better. And perhaps there's more to it than I gave credit to: I didn't realise it was in the building for a good couple of hours, only discovering when Nora, the replacement postlady, has suddenly started to look suspiciously fabulous.

I also think its no accident that Cher is taking her time in looking over the Gay Council assets. After all, she's been after a new hobby ever since her last Farewell Tour, and I can't think of anyone who would be more perfect for the job of looking after us all.

Sometimes, things really do have a way of sorting themselves out for the better.

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