Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Glitter for Brains In The Dock: The Prosecution!

There follows the court transcript of the case: THE GAY COUNCIL AGAINST LEE BINDING, dated 08/09/04.

PRESIDING: Ms Justice Judith Charmers
DEFENDANT: Mr Lee Binding
PROSECUTION: The Gay Council

COURT: All rise for Justice Judith Charmers!

DEFENDANT LEE: (aside) That'll be the day.

(gavel bangs)

JUDGE JUDITH: Mr Binding. May I remind you that you are in a court of law. You are accused of displaying a flagrant disregard of Common Gay Knowledge, as well as being Fabulous without the correct licence. How do you plead?


(gasps from the balcony)

DEFENDANT LEE: Well, come on.

JUDGE JUDITH: Order in the court!

COUNSEL CHER: Is it too late for a vodka and orange?

DEFENDANT LEE: (aside) But you don't drink.

COUNSEL CHER: You can't ignore an 'order in the court' joke. It's the law.

DEFENDANT LEE: Oh. Well. Thank goodness you're here!

PROSECUTION: If we may start. We're here to prove to the court that Mr Binding is not only useless at being a Gay, but also he then went on to continue to be a raving poof without the proper licence. We call the defendant to the stand!

(The Defendant takes the stand)

And I need you to raise your right hand and place your left one on this IKEA catalogue. You swear or affirm that the statements you're about to make are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, er, Cher?

(The Defence Counsel waves)


PROSECUTION: Mr Binding, is it true that you have recently had your Gay Card removed.


PROSECUTION: Could you tell us why?

DEFENDANT LEE: I happened to forget that Lulu was Scottish. And that Beverly Crusher was not in Season Two of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

(gasps from the balcony)

JUDGE JUDITH: You are aware these are very serious offences, Mr Binding?

DEFENDANT LEE: Indeed I do. But I would like to enter a plea of not guilty due to other evidence that will be brought to light.

PROSECUTION: All in good time. The Gay Council would also like to bring some evidence to light, your honour. Things that prove Mr Binding forged evidence and should never have been issued with a Platinum Gay Card in the first place!

(gasps from the balcony)

JUDGE JUDITH: (turns to balcony) Are you going to do that every time?

(Let it be noted on the record that they all nodded.)

PROSECUTION: Mr Binding, is it not true that you have never seen Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Now Voyager or any single episode of The Waltons? And you only sat down to see Cabaret and Xanadu a fortnight ago?

DEFENDANT LEE: That is correct.

PROSECUTION: Is it also true that you don't own any of these fabulous artistes on any recording format: Liza Minelli, Dusty Springfield, Ute Lemper...

DEFENDANT LEE: That too is true.

PROSECUTION: Please let it be known that, in order to apply for a Platinum Gay Card, you have to have seen these films. Did you lie on your admissions form?

DEFENDANT LEE: The only reason I did was there were no tick-boxes for 'Spiceworld the Movie' or 'Girls Aloud'! Your system is archaic!

PROSECUTION: How dare you..!

DEFENDANT LEE: There's nothing of Star Trek: Voyager, nor anything on the works of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch!

PROSECUTION: Ah. But. Let it be known that the Defendant admitted he lied on his form. And that he also has flat hair.

DEFENDANT LEE: Gah! I wouldn't have flat hair if your bull-dog of a hairdresser had been capable of understanding what I wanted done with my barnet!

PROSECUTION: Mr Binding, we have had a psychological profile of you completed over the last year, and it shows some disturbing findings. Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud?


PROSECUTION: What have you heard?

DEFENDANT LEE: He got mauled by a tiger.

(a pause)

JUDGE JUDITH: I think you're thinking of Siegfried & Roy, aren't you?

DEFENDANT LEE: That's what I'm doing.

JUDGE JUDITH: This guy was a little older than that.


PROSECUTION: Our exam, which is admissible as evidence, states that Mr Binding's brain does not contain any lines from Absolutely Fabulous.

COUNSEL CHER: Objection, your honour!

JUDGE JUDITH: What is it?

COUNSEL CHER: Firstly, the Defence would like to examine this new evidence. And secondly, if you knew my client, you'd realise that his brain doesn't contain anything bar some advert jingles from the mid-Eighties, and where he left his keys.

DEFENDANT LEE: No. Even that's gone.

COUNSEL CHER: Oh. And I left my suitcase in your lounge. How am I going to get it?

DEFENDANT LEE: You can shimmy up the drainpipe.

COUNSEL CHER: I can what?

(gavel bangs)

JUDGE JUDITH: Order in the court!

COUNSEL CHER & DEFENDANT LEE (together): Vodka and orange!

PROSECUTION: Now, isn't it true that you got drunk on beer on the 5th of November last year, and you rode naked through the streets on top of a bin-wagon, letting off fireworks, and singing 'I Did It My Way' loudly?

DEFENDANT LEE: What was the date again?

COUNSEL CHER: Objection, your honour!



JUDGE JUDITH: (sighs) What is it, Miss Cher?

COUNSEL CHER: My client's hair is not flat, your honour. Merely resting.

(a pause)

JUDGE JUDITH: Let the record note that the defendant's hair is merely... resting.

PROSECUTION: We put forward that if Mr Binding lied about his status for a Platinum Gay Card, he could have lied about the whole thing! Mr Binding may not be a proper gay at all! We move that he be permanently stripped of all his gay accoutrements, and forced to work in an Argos somewhere with several large and homophobic workers.

DEFENDANT LEE: How dare you! I am indeed a proper gay! For goodness sake, I have Cher as my lawyer!

PROSECUTION: We have checked this. Your Cher is not the Cher, but merely a Cher.

DEFENDANT LEE: Well. Cher and Cher alike, I say.

JUDGE JUDITH: Mr Binding, we could send you to jail for that joke alone.

DEFENDANT LEE: I'm sorry, your honour. I love your tan, by the way.

JUDGE JUDITH: Thank you.

DEFENDANT LEE: What is that foundation you're wearing?

JUDGE JUDITH: Terracotta Rooftop. By Rimmel.

DEFENDANT LEE: It's very nice.

JUDGE JUDITH: Thank you. I do like to keep my orange hue. Even though I'm no longer employed to fly around the world at the behest of the BBC.



PROSECUTION: We'd like to see the Defence sent down, your honour.

DEFENDANT LEE: Not without dinner and dancing first, you won't.

JUDGE JUDITH: Ahem. Is that everything, Prosecution?

PROSECUTION: Yes. The Prosecution rests, your honour.

JUDGE JUDITH: Do you have anything to say in your defence, Mr Binding?

DEFENDANT LEE: (draws in breath) Indeed I do...

Transcript halted as court adjourned for the day. Session reconvenes tomorrow.

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