Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

The Ugliest Child In The Playground

I'm still learning, you know.

For one, I can tell you pints of beer give you the most monstrous hangover, as I discovered when I crawled out of bed this morning and stepped onto a kebab. I've never had beer before: as per all men of the Good Listening variety, I used to get twatted on cider at university before discovering alco-pops, and then finally turning to vodka. This stuff is just nasty! And also makes you do strange things - I appear to now have a Ford Capri on my credit card.

I'm still discovering sport too. Apparently, one of our national sporting heroes is this footballer called Wayne Rooney. Now, in my humble opinion, he's not the best looking of men - not that I'm allowed to look, naturally. Wayne Rooney looks like he was set on fire as a child, and someone then beat it out with a flat-edged spade. Afterwards the poor unfortunate youngster was made to chew piss-flavoured bubblegum for a good decade.

Well, the headline yesterday on Sky Sports (yes! I watched Sky Sports! And not for the Rachel Stevens commercial!) read: 'Wayne Rooney In Record Deal'. From my unique viewpoint, I can clarify to you more glorious members of the gay community that it turns out that this doesn't mean that he's going to be releasing any albums. Rather he's moving clubs to 'Man Utd', which I believe is a nice thing. Good for him for overcoming his obvious disabilities, I say.

In fact, this new way of life is not bad, by any means. I am actually developing a taste for poppadoms. But I must complain about some of the more underhanded techniques employed by The Gay Council to make my life more difficult. They have removed all the pornographical material from my house and replaced it with DIY manuals (a whole new take on 'tab A goes into slot B, I suppose). And what the hell is one meant to do with a 'microwave meal' anyway?

1 comment:

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