Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Glitter For Brains at the Movies: Alien Vs Predator

We went so you don't have to!

What an enjoyable film! The Wife and I had an absolute ball watching this pile of nonsense, as it becomes so preposterous that we laughed throughout the whole thing. Go and see! Or, if you can't be fagged, ladies and gentlemen, we present:

Alien Vs Predator: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS



THE MOVIE opens with a shot of what appears to be the ALIEN QUEEN in SILHOUETTE. As it rotates, it turns out to be a SATELLITE IN SPACE.

THE AUDIENCE:
Cool! Maybe this film will be clever and imaginative and all sorts!

On EARTH, a WHOLE WALL of MONITORS start to FLASH RED.

WAYLAND STAFF #1:
Oh my god. Look at that!

Other MEMBERS OF STAFF wander around in puzzlement as to what. Despite a WHOLE WALL of MONITORS FLASHING RED.

The Audience:
(sighs) Oh. Wait. There goes that credibility.

Meanwhile, Ripley-clone WOODS is climbing a solid ice-face miles, away from anywhere. This is to establish her as a STRONG, RESOURCEFUL WOMAN. Right on cue, her FOOT SLIPS.

Then her MOBILE PHONE goes.

THE AUDIENCE:
Cor. What network is she with?

It is COLIN SALMON on the line. Offering her AN ABSOLUTE CLOPPER-FULL OF MONEY if she takes people to an ANCIENT PYRAMID they have just discovered under the ice.

WOODS:
You're going to destroy them, not to study them?

COLIN:
Excuse me?

WOODS:
How do I get out of this chicken-shit operation?

COLIN:
What have you got there? Let me see. Oh, it's the script for 'Aliens' with your name written over everyone elses! Give me that!

Enter RAOUL BOVA, somewhere in the DESERT. All the GAYS in THE AUDIENCE sit forward a little.

RAOUL:
Ah, look at this. Our leetle expedition is almost at an end. We are almost out of cash.

He is scrabbling around in an ANCIENT DRAIN somewhere, trying to find a LOST ARTEFACT. We expect, after the cliché of the last scene, for him to dig up a MOBILE PHONE with COLIN SALMON on the end. He doesn't. It's a BOTTLECAP. How we LAUGHED.

Meanwhile, on the way to the PYRAMID, EWEN BREMNER is playing with a CAMERA.

EWEN:
Och, aye. I'm taking pictures of everything. For my children, y'ken?

He is now MARKED FOR DEATH.

Nobody else gets an introduction. They are also all MARKED FOR DEATH.

WOODS:
Right! Listen up marines - I mean, crew. If something goes wrong - which it will - don't be a hero. We are miles away from anywhere. No-one can help us. No-one.

WOODS turns to THE AUDIENCE.

WOODS: (cont)
You get that? NO-ONE.

THE AUDIENCE:
Yeah yeah. You're alone. We get it.
(pause)
We bet you still get a mobile phone signal though.

They land at AN OLD WHALING STATION. They EXPLORE. In that tired old method of tension, EWEN goes EXPLORING on his own in the DARK. By law, something rattles some pots behind EWEN, so slowly walks backwards... right into WOODS! Ho, no-one was expecting that! AT ALL!

EWEN:
(overly-jittery) Oh, it's you! So, what's making the noise?

THE AUDIENCE:
Well, it can't be a cat. That would be silly.

It's not. It's a PENGUIN.

How we LAUGHED.

Meanwhile, they explore the pyramid. On the surface, THE PREDATORS arrive. They SLICE through the EXTRAS and PEOPLE ONLY CALLED BY THEIR SURNAME, so it is neither involving, spectacular nor cool. Inside the PYRAMID, half the team have found the ALIEN EGGS and now have FACE-HUGGERS on them. Below them:

RAOUL:
Look at this! It's a calendar! A big battle takes place here every century! They came back 100 years ago! And 100 years before that!

THE AUDIENCE:
Hmm. We bet it was absolutely teeming with life around here two centuries ago.

UPSTAIRS, the OTHER TEAM now have ALIENS BURSTING out of them.

THE AUDIENCE:
Hangonaminute. In Alien, it took days for the creature to gestate. In Aliens, they went into hypersleep and went half-way across the galaxy, and there were still bursting out days after the marines got there! What are these people here? Toasters?!

Of course, seconds later, there's full-sized ALIENS walking around. The PREDATORS ATTACK. The ALIENS ATTACK. The PREDATORS and ALIENS ATTACK each other. There is much CGI. The DIRECTOR, PAUL W ANDERSON, has clearly WHIPPED HIMSELF into such a FANBOY FROTH that a TARPAULIN has to be LAID DOWN.

RAOUL:
Look at this! Are we the only one's left?

WOODS:
Seems like it. Come on - let's move. Assholes and elbows!

RAOUL:
Wait! Look at this! It's a back-story!

RAOUL then regales us with the WHOLE HISTORY OF THE PYRAMID thanks to some HANDY HIEROGLYPHICS. THE FLASHBACK looks WAY MORE INTERESTING than THIS FILM. His JOB DONE, he then gets CAPTURED by the ALIENS. But drops his BOTTLETOP.

WOODS:
(Picking it up) This doesn't mean we're married or anything.

PAUL W ANDERSON:
Look! See how I have made the woman the strong and smart one!

THE AUDIENCE:
(coughs) Like Ripley.

PAUL W ANDERSON:
She is really the only one who figured out the whole thing!

THE AUDIENCE:
Like Ripley.

PAUL W ANDERSON:
This whole thing is an allegory for how strong women really are!

WOODS battles an ALIEN, accidentally killing it with the PREDATOR'S STAFF. She has now gained the respect of the PREDATORS, and they make her a shield from an ALIEN HEAD and they become best pals. Now, cue lots of hilarious SLOW MOTION RUNNING through SMOKE together. BEING BUDDIES. It stops just short of WOODS opening a CAN OF PEDIGREE CHUM and SCRATCHING HIS STOMACH.

THE AUDIENCE:
Hang on. As the predators represent the pinnacle of macho, this still shows that she is subservient to the male symbolism. She's carrying a huge phallic symbol as a shield!

PAUL W ANDERSON:
Er, you lost me.

THE AUDIENCE:
You know. We are not surprised.

Anyway! The bit you've all been waiting for! WOODS finally gets to face up to her NEMESIS - who she's never seen before, but lets not let that stop this car-crash of a movie - THE ALIEN QUEEN! And she's not in a POWER LOADER, but a T-SHIRT AND JEANS. Yes, kids, in the middle of the ANTARCTIC!

THE AUDIENCE:
Right, Woods. You're about to meet the Queen. You've got one shot to impress us with a line that will go down in film history. Think 'Get away from her, you bitch!' but for the new millennium!

WOODS:
Ok. Er - Move aside from her, you cow!

THE AUDIENCE:
No...

WOODS:
Stand away, you pregnant female dog?

THE AUDIENCE hangs its collective head.

WOODS:
You ugly mother-!

THE AUDIENCE:
That'll have to do. Move on. If we wrap this up quickly, we can be out before they announce the sequel.

WOODS and her PREDATOR CHUM fight the ALIEN QUEEN. It is not as exciting as the director obviously thinks it is. The QUEEN ends up UNDER THE ICE, and PREDATOR CHUM is KILLED. Hilariously, WOODS is left in the MIDDLE OF THE ICE in ANTARCTICA in just a T-SHIRT and JEANS.

And meanwhile, somewhere, a PREDATOR/ALIEN HYBRID bursts from PREDATOR CHUM'S STOMACH.

THE AUDIENCE:
You're telling us, that in all the years that these lot have been battling, this has never happened before? Give us a break! Paul W Anderson, you're hoping for a sequel, aren't you? How much has the box office made?

PAUL W ANDERSON:
(Checks till) Er. Well, it is a Sunday. And not many people like coming out in, er, weather...

THE AUDIENCE:
How much?

PAUL W ANDERSON:
Two pound fifty.

THE AUDIENCE:
And that's what we paid for the pop corn! Shame on you, Paul W Anderson! Shame!


THE END. We hope.


(with apologies to Rod Hilton, who does these far better.)

9 comments:

Emerald Web Hosting said...

Hey, you have a great blog here!

I have a domain hosting name registration web site. It pretty much covers ##WEB HOSTING## related stuff.

We have business and personal web hosting packages. No setup fees. Low cost domain registration, SSL certificates, merchant accounts and web design.

Come and check it out if you get time.

answer-man said...

**handbag**

TWPAdmin said...

"I just came across your blog about ebay auto auctionand wanted to drop you a note telling you how impressed I was with the information you have posted here. I also have a web site & blog about **keyword** ebay auto auction so I know I'm talking about when I say your site is top-notch! Keep up the great work, you are providing a great resource on the Internet here!

answer-man said...

enjoyed it and I will be adding it to my favorites. I have a really cool

Kim said...

Hey, I really like the quality of your blog. Very interesting indeed!

I have a ugg boot tracey site. It's mostly about ugg boot tracey related stuff.

Come see us if you get time :-)

Hoodia said...

Help me Dude, I think I'm lost..... I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him in a car lot yesterday, which is really strange because the last time I saw him was in the supermarket. No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender". He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a San Diego cosmetic surgery doctor ,to fit into those blue suede shoes of yours. But Elvis said in the Ghetto nobody can afford a San Diego plastic surgery doctor. Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger. Then I'm gonna go round and see Michael Jackson and we're gonna watch a waaaay cool make-over show featuring some Tijuana dentists on the TV in the back of my Hummer. And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . . "You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on " Strange day or what? :-)

Kim said...

Hi there, It never ceases to amaze me of the quality of blogs that can be found. Yours is very interesting indeed!

I have a steve madden sheep skin boot
site. It's mostly about steve madden sheep skin boot
related stuff.

Come see us if you get time :-)

Kim said...

Hey, I really like the quality of your blog. Very interesting indeed!

I have a lavender sheepskin boots
site. It's mostly about lavender sheepskin boots
related stuff.

Come see us if you get time :-)

webmaster said...

As a top-rated company in the world of ecommerce, Infyecommercesolution has carved out a niche for itself and with the ecommerce solution provided by the company receiving accolades from clients all over the world, it has, in the true sense of the word, grown up to be a top-notch outsourcing software development company. For details on all the services provided by the company, visit http://www.infyecommercesolution.com.