Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, October 25, 2004

The Name's Bonds. Bonds T-Shirts.

The Wife picked up an absolute bargain a couple of weeks back. A poison-tipped umbrella.

From where, he never said. He has been a bit secretive of late, and I've caught him talking into his watch a couple of times, too. Mostly to order pizzas, but there you go.

For those of you new to this, the Wife is a lovely Karmic fluff, so he's taken the poison out and put some sort of sleeping drug in ("God Bless Nytol," apparently...) Though it proved easy to remove the poison, it transpired that the sleeping drug was a lot harder to get in its place. So for a full two hours I could hear '"Ow! Fuckit!" (thump!)' from upstairs, only to be resumed with a groggy air ten minutes later. It was kind of hilarious to start. And then, well - there's only so loud you can make 'Time Team', you know.

Since road testing it on his bizzaro cat ("MeOW!", evil glare, thump!) he's been using it to stun people with pashminas, his latest hate-crime. Just a quick jab and they fall to the floor like they've had their strings cut. It's best in Starbucks, apparently. Especially when they have a little cardboard tray of four coffees. The mess is spectacular.

"It's brilliant in banks, too," he said yesterday, twirling it dangerously close to some screaming child as we walked along the South Bank. "You just have to hit the one in front of you, and the whole bank erupts into chaos thinking there's a sniper."

Thing is, I found a bra in his room yesterday. I kinda hope that it came as part of the set, else we're going to have to have a looooong chat.

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