Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

The Top Ten Internet Facts

Several bits and pieces about the playground we all love a little too much.

* The Internet is actually run by a man called Bob out of a trailer in Oregon. Microsoft tried to buy it off him, but he turned the hose on them and called the sheriff. But not before stealing their rather lovely pens.

* Professors at Stamford University running the 'Skynet' Project did try and give the internet sentience in 1998. The experiment used the web's enormous processing power like a big brain, but they were horrified to discover that the result had personality that was obsessed with pornography, and simply couldn't decide who was the better Star Trek captain between Kirk and Picard.

* The result currently works at Blockbuster video in Margate, and spends weekends modifying its car.

* By 2014, search engines will be so powerful it will be able to rifle through your pockets. And then maybe under your bed. And then tut.

* The word 'internet' is actually a misnomer. Rather than created from the words 'International' and 'network', the word comes from the type of sheer stockings favoured by the internet's inventor, Al Gore.

* All Russian brides advertised on the web actually come from Norwich. Before they are sent out in their special boxes, they are forced to watch Welsh soap 'Pobol y Cwm' while given a sharp electric shock so they forget their native language.

* It is possible to connect your cat to Google.

* Internet shopping is also a misnomer, as you can't actually buy 'an internet'. You can only buy some internet , and that currently costs 32p per pound, and has a very high sugar content. This is why most internet users are several pounds over weight and wash themselves with a rag on a stick. That is my dream.

* It is actually possible to substitute a Bodum for a modem when using the web. The result will be the same: you will be up all night, and be slightly irritated by the whole affair.

* Pop-up adverts, the bane of most user's lives, are usually created by The Women's Association in Stockport in needlepoint, and then scanned in. They receive exactly 1p per each of the ads that they create, which usually goes towards their biscuit fund. They like chocolate Hob-Nobs. The WA have to use a very special Microsoft wool for flashing ads, and member Ervie recalls her favourite one as being 'Teenage Dorm Sluts strip for you' because she managed to get a rather fine counted cross-stitch on the lady's clopper.

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