Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

An Actual True Story. For Once.

So, my Evil Best Friend Declan went on a date a few nights back. I know, I know - we tried to warn the young moppet by showing him pictures of car crashes and dead foals, but he did seem very insistent on going through with it, so I basically left them to it and went and played hopscotch.

I get a call an hour later. All had not gone well.

Declan, it must be said, can often attract the- well, let's just call them the lame ducks, to be kind. This one worked out so well on paper. 22 years old. A dancer. A little camp, maybe. Had a colostomy bag.

"A what?" I screeched, dropping my skipping rope.

"A piss-bag," said Declan. Who was obviously enjoying himself a little too much at this.

"Couldn't he have just bought flowers on a first date like normal people?"

"I don't do normal people. Hilariously. He mentioned it in passing. I said 'What, like Dame Shirley Bassey?' and he went all wide-eyed and nodded. The freak."

I had to bring the obvious subject up. "So, was there any chance that the two of you could have had sex?"

"Not unless I squeezed him very hard and hoped for a backwash."

"Oh. Right. So, I gather you were your usual tactful self?"

"I was for about fifteen minutes."

That was good for him. When he was bored, he normally just stubbed out his fag and left. Usually in your eye socket. "Then what happened?" I asked.

"I'd had a couple of pints by that point. You know what goes on after a few pints. Well, I couldn't help it. All the jokes started tumbling out."

"You didn't..."

"I did. Spent the rest of the night taking the piss."

Cue rapturous laughter over a freeze-frame as the credits ran...

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