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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Control Wants To Be Lady-Like

It was ironic that my Evil Best Friend Declan was the one that introduced me to the method of curtailing any incidents with ugly men and drink; ironic because he's oft falling foul of both to this day. But, in my more... loose days way-back-when, he gave me an utterly priceless piece of advice and, as I'm in a generous mood, I shall divulge it to you. You lucky things.

It's no coincidence that there are a lot of muntingly ugly gays in my old university town - most of the beautiful ones have moved to London, fulfilling their dream to make their fortune in retail or, indeed, pornography. And it was also no coincidence that they'd often trot up to Declan towards the end of the night as he's quite handsome in a certain light. And this is where the trouble began as, if either of us had reached the Point Of No Return, we'd happily be bought a pint by said gentleman, and the next thing you know you're walking back from their house at 8am, smelling of sick and trying to scratch what you hope to God was an impromptu midnight yoghurt out of your beard.

Now. What priceless information Declan suggests is once you get into a club, find the ugliest, fattest, just-fallen-off-the-bells-at-Notre-Dame gay you can. So darn munting he's come out with his munting socks on and carrying a huge munting stick. Then designate him as the control, and stick to him like glue for the rest of the night. For each drink you have, take a look at the control. And if he looks in any way, shape or form attractive, push your drink away from you with force and determination. It is time to go home. And most certainly alone.

Honestly, it's proven most effective for the last three years. Oh, and the name for this poor unfortunate creature..? 'The Lard-stick'.

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