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Monday, December 13, 2004

Glitter For Brains at the Movies: Blade Trinity!

WE GO SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

Now, we at Glitter for Brains did like the two previous instalments of Blade, it has to be said. And with the added enticement of the fabulous Ryan Reynolds in the third outing, what's not to love?! Well, as it turned out, there was so very, very much. So, we heartily present...


BLADE TRINITY: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT!
WARNING: CONTAINS DELIBERATE SPOILERS!


DAY. OPEN in a WEST END CINEMA.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Why does it smell like a hamster's cage in here?

The TITLES run. A CGI WESLEY SNIPES lays waste to some VAMPIRES in a DISTRACTING WHIRL of CGI.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Woah, Blade! Woo-woo-woo!

THE GAY AUDIENCE (with hands over nose):
Ah, that's why. We're completely surrounded by teenage boys in, yes, long black leather coats.

The CGI WESLEY SNIPES fights some more, before getting CAUGHT by the POLICE. He then ESCAPES in A BUSTLE of more CGI, thanks to attractive newcomers RYAN REYNOLDS and JESSICA BIEL'S BREASTS. They WALK down the STREET in SLOW MOTION to a THUMPING SOUNDTRACK.

By this point, THE GAY AUDIENCE is left wondering whether THE REAL WESLEY SNIPES is actually in this film at all; THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE are just TIT-NOTISED by JESSICA and COOL WEAPONRY.

CGI WESLEY SNIPES raises an EYEBROW and says a line that will probably be used in the trailer.

CGI WESLEY SNIPES is taken to RYAN AND JESSICA'S HIDEOUT containing lots of G5 MACS, several PERFUNCTORY BUT NON-ESSENTIAL CAST MEMBERS, and a CUTE KID. As per the LAWS of HOLLYWOOD, the CUTE KID will be CAPTURED in the THIRD ACT and used as RANSOM by the BAD GUY. All discuss the PAPER-THIN PLOT which revolves around a VIRUS that will wipe out all VAMPIRES.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Well, that's Blade dead then.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Wha..?

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
He's half-vampire, you dullards. And this is a trilogy. Therefore he has to die.

The PLOT is further explained. And conveniently revolves around getting a sample of the NEWLY-RESURRECTED FIRST VAMPIRE, DRAKE (as in Dracula, we are frequently and helpfully told).

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Drake? As in Dracula?

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Yeah, man. Coooool.

THE GAY AUDIENCE rolls its eyes. But before we all drop off, or notice how FLIMSY this all is, RYAN REYNOLDS pulls up his TOP and DROPS HIS PANTS a little to show the TATTOO on his groin indicating he was once a VAMPIRE.

THE GAY AUDIENCE (drooling):
Behhhh...

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Come on, dudes...

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Oh look, Jessica is taking a gratuitous shower in slow motion.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE (drooling):
Behhhh...

Meanwhile, DRAKE (as in Dracula) is walking down the street in SLOW MOTION to a THUMPING SOUNDTRACK. He stops at a GOTH STORE, and notices that there is lots of DRACULA merchandise. It is run by two disinterested GEN-X GOTH KIDS with more make-up than CHER.

DRAKE:
All this merchandise... it's me... I'm evil, so I'm obviously going to take umbrage at this. Probably because there are years of licensing money I never received!

The TWO GOTHS are KILLED. THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE suddenly looks uncomfortable.

DAVID S. GOYER:
Hi, I'm David. I'll be your writer, director, producer and all-round architect of the Blade franchise for the evening...

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Get 'im!

DAVID S. GOYER (cont):
I just popped in to show you how clever I was, showing that product placement and merchandising is plain wrong. Well, if you need me, I'll be out in the lobby, signing Blade posters, magazines and computer games...

There is more FIGHTING, after long, lingering shots of JESSICA loading up her I-POD. This is an incompetent FOOTNOTE for the SOUND EDITOR to include some THUMPING SOUNDTRACK here.

RYAN (to the audience as much as the CGI WESLEY SNIPES):
She likes to hunt to music. Thumping soundtrack music. Available from Amazon now. All for your i-Pod.

DAVID S. GOYER shrugs and runs to the FOYER before the BUCKETS OF POPCORN can hit him.

The 'PLOT' 'advances'. CGI WESLEY SNIPES raises an eyebrow and says a line that will probably be used in the trailer.

RYAN:
I have to ask - do you ever blink?

SFX GUYS:
Shush! We haven't built that into the CGI model!

CGI WESLEY SNIPES walks off. Unconvincingly. In SLOW MOTION.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
You do realise if you stopped all this slo-mo shenanigans, the film would be half hour shorter?

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Dudes, it's coooool.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
And stop talking like that. You're from Enfield and all live with your mothers.

Meanwhile, CGI WESLEY SNIPES' HIDEOUT is attacked by DRAKE (as in Dracula), and all the NON-ESSENTIAL CAST MEMBERS are killed. RYAN, who happens to be Shirtless, is CAPTURED. This means THE GAY AUDIENCE lose even more interest in the POORLY-EXPLAINED SHENANIGANS. Suddenly a NEW GUY who's character is basically his COMEDY ACCENT turns up to advance the plot and play a message from NATASHA LYONNE, one of the dead NON-ESSENTIAL CAST MEMBERS.

NATASHA LYONNE:
If you're watching this, I'm already dead. So feel free to ignore what I'm saying while you puzzle out how I managed to record this whole message in the seconds I had before Drake - you know, as in Dracula - got me. Basically, I transferred the virus information to The New Guy.

THE NEW GUY (avec les accent tres comediƩ):
And I synthesised it. Yes, in the half-hour or so I've had. I've now placed the virus into this Armour-Plated Plot Device that can be fired at Drake via an arrow. Or a gun.

NATASHA LYONNE:
Oh, and Wesley. We don't know whether the virus will kill you, what with you being half-vampire and all that.

THE GAY AUDIENCE shoots a 'told-you-so' look at THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE.

NATASHA LYONNE:
And, according to The Laws of Hollywood, my cute kid is alive and being held captive by Drake. You know, as in Dracula. So go get 'em boys!

JESSICA and the CGI WESLEY SNIPES slowly tool up. The CAMERA PANS LOVINGLY across each WEAPON in a SLOW and VOYEURISTIC MANNER. It's the closest to SEX that most of THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE will have ever gotten to.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE (drooling):
Behhhh...

Meanwhile, RYAN REYNOLDS is still TOPLESS but now CHAINED TO THE FLOOR.

THE GAY AUDIENCE (drooling):
Behhhh...

He is tortured by CALLUM KEITH RENNE and PARKER POSEY. We discover that RYAN'S ONE-LINERS, though said with conviction, are really PAINFUL in the emaciated mess of a script. There follows some CONVENIENT BOBBINS about a TRACKING DEVICE that means that a CGI WESLEY SNIPES and JESSICA can find him and EXPLODE DRAMATICALLY through a SKYLIGHT.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Oh now, come on!

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Why are you even in here, guys?

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Phantom of the Opera was full.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Dudes, that sucks.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Well. Um. Oh look! They're walking together in slow motion!

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Oh. Coooool...

There is lots of CGI FIGHTING. Jessica rescues the CUTE KID. The CGI WESLEY SNIPES glitches and fails to MATCH whatever BACKGROUND he's in. There is even more FIGHTING, now between DRAKE (as in Dracula) and the CGI WESLEY SNIPES. In SLOW MOTION with a THUMPING SOUNDTRACK.

Then, with no build-up, DRAKE (as in Dracula) is killed. All VAMPIRES are dead.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Oh.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Um.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
But -ah! - you were wrong! Blade didn't die! See? So ner. And if you hated this film so much, why didn't you walk out?

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
We couldn't get out, for one. Look. We can't move in here for Forbidden Planet carrier bags. And while we're on the subject, we'd like to introduce you to the concept of personal hygiene...

RYAN (VOICE OVER):
Blade, of course, was a law unto himself. He's still out there, carrying on doing what he has to do.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
And that would be..? No, seriously - all the vampires are dead. What's he doing? Unblocking drains?

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
That was coooool...

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Oh hush. It was bobbins.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Ryan Reynolds.

THE GAY AUDIENCE (drooling):
Behhhh... Eh? What? Right - Jessica Biel!

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE (drooling):
Behhhh... Right. Wesley Snipes!

(silence in the theatre)

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE (cont):
Hum. Right. Shall we get out of here?

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Lets. Oh, and we'd like to talk to you about those darling skull earrings...

THE END.

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