Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

2004: A Straight Odyssey

I'm determined not to have a horrid time after my altercation with The Gay Council, now being a gayer who's not allowed to be gay. A Poof without Portfolio. A 'Persona Non Glitter', if you will. It merely involves a careful adjustment of my existing lifestyle. For example, my gym routine used to be:

Hang around the changing rooms til beautiful Dan the Instructor finished in the shower in order to catch a glimpse, go and play on the cross-trainer while miming to Girls Aloud, go and lift some free weights above my head (I liked those, as you can hit them together and they go 'ting!' like Madonna finger-cymbals), and then go and hang around the changing rooms some more.

Now, it is:

15 minutes on the cross-trainer (well, 13. The other two are spent going-towards-the-white-light, the electric jolt, and the return to my heavily-panting body), 20KG free-weights, rowing machine for 5 reps then, er, some more lifty-things for a bit. I'm sorry about the fey vagaries of the last bit, but I've only had my Gay Card removed for a couple of days and it really is a steep learning curve. Did you know there was more than one football team? I didn't. Although it does explain a lot, in retrospect.

Music also proves to be a new realm. With no Girls Aloud, well, allowed, I've been exposed to all sorts of stuff. Some of it, I have to say, is nonsense. Who is this The Hives? They appear to be a Rolling Stones tribute band that someone mistakenly put in the 'mainstream' section of HMV. How very odd. And this R&B... it all sounds the same! Does no-one get the joke?

Still, one must make the best of it. I'm am very worried about my dear Wife, though. Since their declaration that I'm not allowed a boyfriend, I've been somewhat concerned for his safety from these all-powerful maries. Well, they've removed him from the picture for a couple of days with a sudden cold, and he's announced that he's off to Morocco at the end of next week. Hmm. While I can cope with most of the things I'm not allowed, the Wife is sacrosanct to me. I just have this horrid feeling he's coming back re-cast as a bubbly blonde called Tina...

Friday, August 27, 2004

A Not-Very-Fabulous Letter

Calamities! As per darling Jay's emission in my comments box a few days ago, I did indeed call Lulu a Scouser. And yesterday, I blithely announced that Gates McFadden was in Season Two of The Next Generation. So, I received this startling memo this lunch time, headed 'A Fabulous Letter':


'Dear Mr Binding,

'It has recently come to our notice that you have mistakenly attributed the regional accent of one of our National Treasures to be incorrect. Lulu is, in fact, Scottish. Not Liverpudlian. This unforgivable mistake was compounded with a further incident when you stated Gates McFadden was in the second season of Star Trek TNG, when any gay man worth his bath salt knows that this was when she was off being pregnant/in rehab/fired.

'Due to this unforgivable error, we are foreclosing your Gayness. You will cease and desist any Gay Activities. You are no longer allowed:

'The use of the word 'fabulous', 'marvellous' or 'icon'.
'To accept delivery of an IKEA catalogue.
'To go within 20-foot of a podium (class-a disco or otherwise).
'To drink Babycham, Cosmopolitans, Smirnoff Ice, or anything that would come under the heading "Bitch Piss" or "Tart Fuel".
'The use of any moisturisers, lotions or face-care products at all.
'A boyfriend.

'Also, your Gay Card is now rescinded. All points you have collected on it will be passed over to the Liza Minelli Memorial Fund.
Please post the Card back in the enclosed envelope.

'Along with your copy of Clueless.

'Lots of love
'The Gays
'xx'


Sob! What am I to do?!

Thursday, August 26, 2004

I Used To Be Famous...

Oh, the birthday present crop has been a bumper one this year! And while I'm not at all swayed by material goods* I can truly say I am blessed by all that I received. These included my first piece of proper art, a t-shirt with Alias' Francie on it (hoo!) and a pack of cards with celeb mug-shots on. Michael Jackson is the Joker! New Favourite Thing!

Anyway, certainly the most intriguing and fabulous thing was a present from the dear Wife - he's bought me a regression session with a psychic! I'm going to find out what I was in a former life! Oh, I wonder what I was... the sheer gamut of possibilities make me giddy. I wonder, do any readers out there have any ideas?

Was I:

* A goldfish?
* Calamity Jane?
* A burly farmhand, as seen in many Bel-Ami videos?
* A fabulous pair of curtains?
* Joan of Arc?
* Joan Crawford?
* Melissa Joan Hart?
* Walter Plunkett, the late costume designer for Gone with the Wind?
* Gates McFadden's wig during Season Two of Star Trek: The Next Generation?

Or something even more fabulous? Just think of the potential! Do feel free to click on the comments and let me know. I mean for one, the Wife thinks I used to be Cleopatra. I think that's what he was on about. He definitely said I'm 'so the queen of de Nile'...

Anyway, I'll update you all once it's been done! Hurrah!




* BWHAHAHHAHHAHHHAHAAA-haahhahahha-hahha-(breathe)-hahhahhahhahahaha! Ha! Ha! Ha. (wipes tear) Oh, I'm really too much, aren't I?

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

The Lulu And The Ivy

Due to an unfortunate scheduling error, the Wife and I have our anniversary one day before my birthday. Which is today. I'm currently hiding my hands in a pair of opera-style gloves because I fear that any second they will look like Madonna's withered claws.

But first, yesterday's anniversary really should be commented on. The Wife really outdid himself, and the evening consisted of:

The Ivy
Followed by champagne
Followed by sticky toffee pudding
Followed by Miss Universe on Living TV
Followed by bed.

Best thing ever.

For those of you who live outside Zone 6 or in one of our more exciting colonies, The Ivy is a restaurant that is nigh-on impossible to get a booking in - one of those celeb haunts where you're more than likely to be sitting next to Cher when you eat. The Wife and I have a long-standing love of The Ivy ever since we discovered Scouse popstrell Lulu may actually live in there. Well, we've discovered she's long since left to go and take up residence in The Century Club, leaving the Ivy with no resident lush. We got chatting to the waiter who said that they had hatched a desperate attempt to gain a-list recognition once again, and tried to clone her from a stray lock of red hair left in her booth.

Alas, the experiment wasn't a complete success, and rather than one carrot-tinted songstress to woo the crowds, they were left with around fifty, one-foot-tall Lulus. These gremlins run around everywhere, hanging from the light-fittings, and nicking your side dishes when you're not looking. When you're seated, you're given an ornate brush called a Lulu-Broom, and actively encouraged to thwack the red-headed monsters off the chandeliers. All you can see when seated is the bob-bob-bob of the top of several scarlet hair-do's, scampering between the tables and trying to trip the waiters. Little monkeys.

And the rather calming atmosphere of our romantic meal was often halted by the sound of another Lulu falling into the UV electric traps scattered around the place: 'Wee-eee-eeee-eeee-eee-BBZZZZZT!' It made for a rather amusing evening.

And we can heartily recommend the sticky toffee pudding.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Life Of Pies

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been devouring books like my old hamster. And finally got around to reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel. You know, the one about the boy on the boat with the tiger. Well, I didn't like it, but can't quite put my finger on as to why. I wondered whether this was mainly because I was so detached from the central idea of being shipwrecked with a dangerous beast that it failed to resonate on any level.

So I thought I'd give it a go.

My budget really couldn't cover the lifeboat or the emergency supplies, so I decided to roll two of the plotpoints into one and made the raft out of biscuits. And tigers were out of the question, so I stole the Wife's cat - an arsey beast at the best of times. Nothing phases nor pleases the big hairy behemoth. His name is Blue, by the way, and is so damn furry that you can't tell which end is which. Blue is basically a moody draught-excluder with legs.

Our journey began once I'd designated one side of the local paddling pond India, and the other Canada. Hopefully, if I didn't drift into any shipping lanes, or children paddling, I would be at the other side in under three minutes. Marvellous! I had more than enough supplies for that. I just hoped that Richard Parker (this was Blue's part. The tiger in the book is called Richard Parker) wouldn't attack me. So, with him curled up at one end, me at the other with ne'er anything but a Jackie Collins between us, we set sail from one side of the Arboretum pond to the other.

It was quite warm out there, in the middle of that ocean. I heard that the most common death was by exposure in these circumstances. It could send you mad. I mean, I was sure I could hear an ice-cream truck for a good portion of my journey - in fact, if I turned my head to the left, I'm sure I could see one at the side of the pool. Damn these hallucinations! The sun was just murder. If only I'd been shipwrecked with a large sun-hat instead of an indifferent cat, things would have been very different.

Time passed, and I think I may have fell asleep. Actually, I didn't but nothing else was happening, so I had to pad out the story.

I sighed and reread the survival manual I'd brought. I'd read it at least a thousand times by the time my journey had ended, but then I never could get enough of The National Enquirer.

"No, Richard Parker! Don't attack me!" I cried to Blue, hoping to distil some drama into our crossing, blowing my whistle. He looked at me through half-closed eyes, startled by the sudden noise. Then went back to sleep. I think I was safe from him for the time being.

I was feeling hungry and thirsty and missing Girls Aloud. A whole seven minutes had gone by according to my watch. An age. I couldn't even recall what the dance moves to Love Machine went like and started sobbing. A precious waste of water. How, over the seven minutes of my journey, would I come to regret that waste of water. But not only that, but it stained my fabulous suede life-jacket I'd brought along. Dejectedly, I fired a flare off into the sky. Again, budget was tight so I just threw some bell-bottom jeans and yelled 'Whooosh!'

There was always something to do on the raft to keep you busy - knots to tie, paddling kids to push out of the way of our historic voyage. I came to love that raft made of biscuits. I'd decided to make it entirely out of pink wafers, before you ask. They float.

I lay back and remembered what goes into pink wafers. Anything that garish in colour can't be in eyesight of any organic produce. What exactly can give it that fabulous hue?

Well. I discovered. They puree cheerleaders.

The perky ones.

"What are you doing with my cat?" asked the Wife from Canada. I shrugged - seven minutes without talking, food or water had left me speechless. I was practically half-conscious as he lifted me out of the lake and tutted. Blue just hopped off and vanished into the bushes. I would like to say I'd never seen him again, but he was back about half-hour later, staring at people until they got him his food.

The Wife looked at the raft and asked what the dickens I'd been doing on a raft made of biscuits with a docile cat.

Well, he'd never believe me if I told him.

Friday, August 20, 2004

Things To Make And Do - Extreme Sports!

Ah, look! It's Friday! And as the time crawls oh-so-slowly towards pub o'clock, you really should down tools and plan what to do over the two glorious free-standing days that lie before you! We've previously told you of Five Fabulous Things you may want to try over the weekend, but why not try something a little more extreme? Ah, go on - it's sunny! Give it a go!


Stalk Someone!
For this uproarious game for all the family, you and a friend of a similar disposition must idly wander the streets until you see someone you both fancy. Then - oh, what japes! - you follow them wherever they go! We Glitterites state that this is more than an ideal way to discover places you've never been before, and you get to stare at a pretty bottom as you do!

The game is only over when a) you both see someone else who is far prettier, meaning you must now follow them, or b) you are discovered to be stalking by your stalkee.

For advanced players in this country's capitol, why not get a Zone 1-6 travel card and follow your said stalkee wherever they go! Even to their house! And if you do make it to their house, it simply means that it was destiny that the two of you should be together and you should feel free to post cards, flowers and dead animals with 'I love you!' torn into the flesh through their letterbox until they see sense and call! And not the police!


Find God
Have you looked down the back of the sofa lately? What about under that fridge of yours? He could be there!


Create a Cocktail!
We see this as public service. Get all those bottles that have been cluttering up your 'drinks cabinet' - including some of that industrial paint-stripper you bought at Spanish Duty Free to get rid of the last of your pesetas, and mix it together in new and interesting ways! Our own personal favourite was The Rainbow, where we blended drinks of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet together, and spent the rest of the weekend blind and believing we were one of those little birds that cleans the inside of crocodile's mouths!

We highly recommend this for this weekend as the Olympics will be on.


Discover New Uses for Pringle Tubes!
Why, these cardboard coffers are not just for storing high-in-fat crisps - a mere glance at these wondrous tubes should give you a gamut of ideas! For example:

* With a little bit of wrapping paper, you can make a rather pikey vase!
* With two, you could make some rather fabulous costume binoculars! (we have discovered that if you prefix 'costume' to anything, it means 'it doesn't really work'. Like costume jewellery. Or 'costume singers' Atomic Kitten!)
* With two tied together with a piece of string, you can demonstrate the principles of sound transference to neighbourhood children! Despite them already being too busy texting each other!
* With sixty tubes, you could make a scale model of Stonehenge, and check whether those wacky druids really did create a workable calendar! For extra authenticity, why not sacrifice a hamster on your centre Pringles tube - ideally, the Cheese and Onion one - to try and bring about the end of the world? Although, on such a small scale, you'll probably only destroy your garden.

(Secretly, we'd also like to get four Smartie tubes, as suggested by some wag on Channel 4, and put them on our cat's legs. There is no real reason for this other than it would hilariously make it walk like a robot.)


Go Clubbing In The 1920s!
Look, if Girls Aloud can do it, so can you!


We hope that you find that interesting and marvellous! Now, get to it - the sun's shining!

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Here, Kitty Kitty



For some reason, I can't wait to see Catwoman.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Corrs and Effect

While our casual hop around the music channels brought great delight and a triumvirate of Girls Aloud this weekend, it also dredged up an astonishingly large amount of The Corrs. Annoying purveyors of mainstream diddly-diddly music that they are.

But lo! What is this? The video features them playing at a wedding! And before you will dismiss this as being a desperate marketing attempt to show that they are still so very Oirish at heart and kiss the Blarney Stone every week, lets imagine that they could just be showing off their other talents to us! Which is, er, playing at weddings.

We bring this up as, just before the once-immortal Steps went their separate ways, their final video was also a vehicle for their various talents - which in this case was showing their range by draping over furniture like popstrell antimacassars and showing that they were simply ideal for a DFS sofa advert. Take a look! It starts just after the batty hospital bit.

Is the end nigh for The Corrs? Lets keep checking the local paper for wedding bands in hope!

Monday, August 16, 2004

"Your Call's Late - Big Mistake"

Glitter for Brains was perfectly happy to sit in this weekend, surfing the music channels to spy the Good Ship Girls Aloud* on the horizon! Larks! Well, we managed to see it three times thanks to our constant flicking, and now owe the Wife a new set of batteries for the TV remote. But still! Isn't Love Machine just the Best Thing Ever? Why, even crowded around a computer, listening to a taped-off-the-radio version was sublime. It was just like being back in the 80s, with ropey recodings of the record charts! And helped somewhat by Fido Dido inexplicably advertising 7Up once more. Madness.

Anyway, the video - like every other one of their magnum opuses - has nothing to do with the song. Hurrah! To which, in the new video:

They all go clubbing!
In the 1920s!
Nicola is no longer ginger!
But is still three steps behind everyone and dances like she's taken percodan!
Sarah looks really pissed off to be there!
They have dance moves! That are moderately complicated!
And Cheryl The Destroyer mimes The Bo Selecta Mel B 'tiger' impression to camera when they mention 'kitty-cat'!

Bliss! So. On the Grand Scheme of New Favourite Things, Love Machine now ranks:

1. Love Machine
2. No Good Advice
3. Sex
4. Alias
5. The Bear In The Big Blue House

and thus has the Glitter for Brains seal of approval! Hoorah!

You may now go about your normal business. Thank you for listening.



* It is here that you may place any jokes about 'seamen', 'going down', 'the ginger one dances akin to someone with scurvy'.

Glitter for Brains At The Movies: Fahrenheit 9/11!

After the overly-saccharine joys of 13 Going On 30, Glitter for Brains was made to detox with something serious, lest we'd be hyperactively bouncing on our beds and singing the theme to The Red Hand Gang all night. So off we went to Michael Moore's latest. There was a lot to enjoy about this film, although we found the part of Condoliza Rice was woefully underwritten.

We're told you get a lot more in the original comic book. Like she loses her powers and then has an affair with the mutant who stole them in the first place. And then she brakes away to form some sort of X-Men police force, taking on rogue mutants, which sounds most interesting and marvellous.

Or is that Storm from the X-Men?

Either way, it's shown why Glitter for Brains will never be entering politics.


(PS - We were going to write a haiku to the studio in protest, but Condoliza Rice's five syllable name takes up an entire line of its own.)

Friday, August 13, 2004

I Can Die Happy

The List Of People I Want To Meet in Doctor Who goes thus:

Lalla Ward
Mary Tamm
Lynda Bellingham
Louise Jameson

Yesterday I met them all. Yes, all of them. In a room in Brixton. Drinking tea. Where I was wedged between the tea urn and a pile of handbags.

I think by the end of my day every single one of my gay fuses had blew.

For future reference:

* One of them is addicted to eBay.

* One of them gave up smoking for 16 years. But then, while doing a film in Prague, an 18-year-old A.D. took a bit of a shine to her. He was 'as fit as a butcher's dog' and dragged her back to her trailer for what she claimed was 'officially the best sex I have ever had'. When he offered her a post-coital ciggie and she practically dragged it down in one. She's been back smoking ever since.

* One thought my covers for Gallifrey were marvellous. They spent most of the time in the Green Room drawing little pictures of K9 in biro on their script.

* One fabulous member treats everyone like dirt. As was expected.

* One nicked the other's paper while she was off recording, and had a go at the crossword. Upon the other's return, the first starlet idly passed it back and said she'd jotted a couple of things down. The paper's owner, who incidentally treats people like dirt - literally looked at it for two seconds and announced "Well, that's wrong."

* One can power nap. She simply does some breathing exercises, and nigh-on passes out for five minutes. She unfortunately did the exercises just before she was called on set for a well-known TV show: "As the director called 'Action!' I could feel myself just slipping. 'Well, there goes that take!' I thought as I slid into unconscious and right off my chair..."

Glitter For Brains At The Movies: Riddick!

Of course the Chronicles of Riddick are going to be a load of old cock - but aren't the toys just marvellous? But one huge, huge complaint - why oh why oh why did they not see fit to include the Dame Judi Dench action figure? Huh? Gays across the land are up in arms! Look! Arms! Everywhere! It's like someone asked us who'd like to see Alistair Appleton naked!

And no-one has any idea why she's in this silly sci-fi blockbuster. I'd like to think that Dame Jay only does these things because she likes the peace of hanging around movie sets, painting and doing crosswords. I picture her in her gauzey blanket of a costume, perched on the edge of the set with a glass of Pinot Grigio, furiously dabbing away at her latest masterpiece, which just happens to be an oil painting of Vin Diesel's arse, or something.

For one, she admitted she didn't have a clue what was going on in this. One of my friends was on set, and she just did a powerful speech about something integral to the plot. Let's just call it 'The Espadrille' shall we? I can't remember the name, and that sounds oddly apt. So, there she was, singing the virtues of The Espadrille with great passion and gravitas. The director yells 'Cut!' and they move on to the next scene. "Everybody, we're moving over to the Espadrille set!"

Dame Judi was puzzled. "The what?"

"The big spaceship set next door."

"Ohhhh," she says in quiet revelation. "That makes so much more sense now..."

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Glitter For Brains At The Movies: I, Robot!

As we mentioned, we spent the weekend wedged in an air-conditioned palace watching movies, while you lot were out having dinners with friends and other sociable activities! We did rather enjoy this little film, but there are some things in it that are very, very wrong. If you don't want most of the plot spoiled, skip on as it is worth seeing. Else, lets take a look at...

I, ROBOT: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS



WILL SMITH wakes from a very expensive-looking DREAM, sweaty and breathing heavily. He then mopes around his flat for ten minutes. This is to show that he is a TORTURED HERO, and there is something in his PAST. This EMOTIONAL MOMENT is somewhat MARRED by the DIRECTOR lingering over WILL SMITH's JVC STEREO and CONVERSE SNEAKERS.

THE AUDIENCE:
Alex Proyas! Director of this movie! What are you trying to do?

ALEX PROYAS:
You... will... buy... Converse Sneakers...

THE AUDIENCE:
We think not. Get on with it.

WILL SMITH is called to the death scene of JAMES CROMWELL. There is a JAMES CROMWELL HOLOGRAM there. It is never ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED why the HOLOGRAM can't just tell WILL SMITH who murdered JAMES CROMWELL, other than it spins out the MOVIE for TWO HOURS.

Enter SUSAN CALVIN. She is not the 80-YEAR-OLD EMOTIONLESS SPINSTER of the books, but a YOUNG BOUNCY GIRL who will look good on the COVER of MAGAZINES. She does have her HAIR UP and REFUSES to MOVE HER FACE in slight reference to the ORIGINAL CHARACTER. They go and meet SONNY, the ROBOT SUSPECT.

SONNY:
Hello. I'm the cutesy robot the whole toy range will be marketed with.

THE AUDIENCE:
You know, he looks rather familiar...

ALEX PROYAS:
Yeah, we bought the name 'I, Robot' so we could tie in with Apple. Think about it - i-Mac, i-Book, i-Robot...

THE AUDIENCE:
Alex Proyas, is there nothing in this film you're trying to sell us?

ALEX PROYAS:
Nice Rolex! Get your nice Rolex! Not fake!

THE AUDIENCE rolls its eyes.

Suddenly SUSAN CALVIN is in a fitted top, and her hair is unravelled. This is to show that WILL SMITH has brought emotion into her life.

THE AUDIENCE
When are the robots going to start rampaging?

ALEX PROYAS:
How do you know about that?

THE AUDIENCE:
Oh come on! The whole marketing campaign hinges around it! Have you seen your own trailer?

So the ROBOTS start attacking WILL SMITH's AUDI. It EXPLODES, but not before showing how safe and reliable AUDIs are.

WILL SMITH (through airbag):
Oh no! You have ruined by Converse trainers! I'll get you!

One ROBOT appears and starts FIGHTING WILL SMITH. WILL SMITH's ARM is damaged. It is REVEALED that his ARM is ROBOTIC.

THE AUDIENCE:
So, does this mean Will Smith is a robot?

ALEX PROYAS:
Nonono, it's my slightly-detached direction that makes you think that for a while.

THE AUDIENCE:
Aw. Shame. We'd got his programming sorted and everything!

10 IF MOVIE="tense" THEN WISECRACK,
20 ELSE IF MOVIE="over" THEN RAP,
30 GOTO 10

The ROBOTS are now rampaging through THE CITY. Meanwhile, SUSAN CALVIN is now in LEATHERS, with a daringly LOW-CUT TOP and a SEXY HAIRCUT. Which is odd, as she was SLIGHTLY EMOTIONLESS and wearing a HIGH-COLLAR TUNIC like a VIRGINITY SHIELD not half-an-hour ago. In another THIRTY MINUTES she will be POLE-DANCING.

THE AUDIENCE:
Did anyone else notice that Will Smith's JVC stereo had more screen time than James Cromwell?

THE KILLER is REVEALED. It sort of works if you don't EXAMINE IT TOO CLOSELY. WILL SMITH and SUSAN CALVIN are involved in a DEATH-DEFYING BATTLE OF SURVIVAL that is detracted from by OVER-ENTHUSIASTIC CAMERA WORK.

Everything then RETURNS TO NORMAL. The ROBOTS are placed into STORAGE for the INEVITABLE SEQUEL.

WILL SMITH:
Ah, by the end of the movie, we have learned many things. I have learned that I can trust robots, as well as my faithful Converse sneakers!

SUSAN CALVIN:
And I have learned that emotions do have a place in my life, but only when triggered by hulking gorgeous brutes in Converse sneakers!

CAPTION: 'Dr Susan Calvin went on to star in a series of soft porn film, and can currently be seen in "I, Harlot"'

RUN CREDITS

THE AUDIENCE (leaving):
Wow. Will Smith must really be a serious actor now. We counted only six annoying wise-cracks and he isn't rapping over the end of the film. And we really must get a pair of Converse sneakers...

ALEX PROYAS (from behind concessions stand):
Popcorn! Get your popcorn!

END.


(with apologies to Rod Hilton, who does these far better.)

Monday, August 09, 2004

Best Thing This Weekend

The dear Wife and I were sitting on the steps of St Martin, blissfully watching the world go by whilst eating a sandwich. Up pulls this sports car, roof down, sound system pumping out filling-rattling music. The red-head at the wheel makes a great play of messing with his brand new mobile phone while waiting for the lights to change.

"Yeah, but you're still ginger," calls out the Wife.

Glitter For Brains At The Movies: Garfield!

Eschewing the gloriously hot weather this weekend, Glitter For Brains sensibly spent most of it in darkened, air-conditioned cinemas watching utter nonsense. So you can go on about your business of getting tans and social lives, we're going to present some abridged scripts so you can pretend you've seen them and not waste two hours of your life! First up, childhood hero, Garfield!


GARFIELD: THE ABIDGED SCRIPT


We are introduced to GARFIELD. He is CGI and has a famous voice. Unlike anything else in this movie. Which is slightly off-putting.

THE AUDIENCE:
So, is this Garfield? He appears to be a lot more sassy that we recall. For one, he appears to be flipping us the finger in the movie poster.

PETER HEWITT:
Ah, that was me - the director of this film - in a cat suit, showing I have complete respect for my audience! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be, er, somewhere else...

THE AUDIENCE:
But who's going to be looking after the film?

PETER HEWITT (around door):
Oh, CGI can fix anything! Bye!

We watch a couple of antics with GARFIELD. He does not appear to be the ESTABLISHED CHARACTER, but rather a WEAKER, HUMOURLESS cousin. This leaves THE AUDIENCE a little perturbed. Finally, GARFIELD jumps into bed with BRECKIN MEYER. They cuddle.

BRECKIN MEYER:
Every day, I love you more and more, Garfield.

THE AUDIENCE is even more disturbed by this almost bestial love-story. So it is almost fortunate when JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT arrives to be the love interest. She is KOOKY. And LOVES ANIMALS. As WE ALL SHOULD, apparently. She hands BRECKIN MEYER another sexless lover called ODIE, a dog that is NOT CGI. BRECKIN once more overly-proclaims his love for ODIE. ODIE, the dog, then acts both BRECKIN MEYER and JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT off the screen.

THE AUDIENCE:
What is that noise? We're sure we can hear something next door...

GLITTER FOR BRAINS:
Is it Amanda Tapping?

THE AUDIENCE:
Shut up.

Anyway. Odie is stolen by THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY. GARFIELD vows to get him back because they are now FRIENDS, despite this being COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER.

THE AUDIENCE:
Is this going to be the plot? Tell me this isn't the plot.

BILL MURRAY:
From what I can tell, yes. I found the cocktail napkin with the whole screenplay on it.

THE AUDIENCE:
Bill Murray! Respected actor! What are you doing in this nonsense?

BILL MURRAY:
I'd like to say it's the symmetry of I played Peter Venkman in the Ghostbuster films. Which was then played by Lorenzo Music in the Ghostbusters animated series. Lorenzo Music then played Garfield in the animated TV series of Garfield, thus meaning I have to play the voice of Garfield in the live-action movie version. This brings the whole thing full circle.

THE AUDIENCE:
You took the money and ran, didn't you?

BILL MURRAY (hangs head):
Yes.

THE AUDIENCE:
Bill Murray. Shame on you.

The rescue of ODIE continues. Halfway through the chase, the CGI BUDGET runs out. GARFIELD is now played by A BOX BEING DRAGGED ACROSS A ROAD BY STRING WITH THE VOICE OF BILL MURRAY. Finally, GARFIELD CREATOR JIM DAVIS sells a little more of his SOUL to get some more money for the CGI CLIMAX.

THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY:
Odie will perform for me! Particularly when he's fitted with this shock collar!

THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY's ASSISTANT:
A shock collar? But that's inhuman!

GARFIELD:
How inhuman! That's a shock collar!

The SUBTITLE 'Shock Collars Are Inhuman' is then flashed onscreen for the remainder of the movie.

Eventually THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY is cornered by ODIE and GARFIELD. From NOWHERE all their ANIMAL FRIENDS WHO ARE NOT CGI appear and attack THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY. In the biggest irony since irony began, THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY ends up with the SHOCK COLLAR on.

GARFIELD:
Lets see how you like having a shock collar - which is inhuman - on!

THE GUY FROM GROUNDHOG DAY gets A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE.

GARFIELD:
Odie! It's good to have you back! I have missed you so much. We are now the best of friends - because friends can do anything together!

The SUBTITLE 'Friends are important' is then flashed onscreen for the remainder of the movie.

The movie ends with GARFIELD and ODIE on a chair. GARFIELD pushes ODIE off in a slight reference to the GARFIELD CHARACTER that we have read for twenty-odd years. GARFIELD then helps him up because FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT.

THE AUDIENCE:
We've just realised what that noise next door is. It's the sound of our childhood being raped by Peter Hewitt!

PETER HEWITT (around door):
Aha! Yes! Up the bad way! With no lube!

THE AUDIENCE:
But that's inhuman!

END.


(with apologies to Rod Hilton, who does these far better.)

Friday, August 06, 2004

The Holiday

Well, my little holiday was an absolute hoot, and I hope you all had a lovely time under Amanda Tapping. And that noise was dear regular reader Jules falling to the floor in a dead swoon at the mere idea. I believe Evil Best Friend Declan would classify the term as 'she's got a moist-on'.

Ah, dear Declan - what a delight to holiday with! There was a full moon over the weekend - his busy period - so I didn't see that much of him of an evening, and when I did, he was just ecstatically happy that there was a whole stretch of virgin sand to write 'I (heart) Myra Hindley' in, much to the trauma of early-rising parents. And he only threw the Bible out of the window once, bless. He was really trying.

Oh, and I do have a strange tale of the staff in the hotel. The first morning, we went for a graceful swim at 8.30, and popped back to our room at 9am. There was a charming functionary turning down our bedclothes, and slyly helping herself to the mini-bar. We nodded a hello and left for a breakfast martini or two. We popped back up at 10.30 and she was still scrubbing away. So we went for a good walk, coming back after lunch, and lo - there was our raven-headed peon, determinedly vacuuming at her pelmet. Which is by no means as filthy as it sounds.

Really, I do like attentive staff, but this was a little out of the ordinary. So eventually we just let her move in. She seemed more than happy sleeping at the foot of my bed, and - bonus! - you could just throw your shoe at her and she'd mix the most marvellous Mai Tai.

Salut!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

The Unexpected Noise

Enter LEE, ruler of the known universe (glorious, tanned) and STACEY, his assistant (hands like shovels, face like a smacked arse).

LEE:
Oh, it's good to be back! I wonder if they missed me...

STACEY sniffs her indifference and drops the luggage.

LEE:
Now. What is that noise. What is that noise? Do you hear it?

STACEY:
Er. Ish.

LEE:
What could it be? It befuddles! Could that very noise be temporary ruler Amanda Tapping?

STACEY:
Are you sure? I know that noise. It could be Kari Whirring. The well-known star of stage and screen.

LEE:
Although I am delighted by the sheer idea, her real name is Kari Wuhrer. So the noise could very well be Amanda Tapping after all.

STACEY:
What about what's-his-face? Scottish actor. In X-Men 2...

LEE:
I'm sure we'd all be aware if we could hear Alan Cumming. He's very loud, as you are more than aware.

STACEY blushes.

LEE:
There it is again! I wonder what it could be!

STACEY:
You know, I think I can discern it. I'm sure I can hear William Russell!

LEE:
Now you're just being silly. Go and put the kettle on.