Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Glitter for Brains At The Movies! National Treasure!

We go so you don't have to!

I bet there's a wisecracking sidekick, said the Wife.
I'm thinking there's going to be a female romantic interest. Oh! Who followed her father into his career, meaning she's spunky yet retaining her femininity! said I.

In any case, both of us appeared to be in a cinema, waiting for the latest Jerry Bruckheimer action flick with baited breath! What fun was there to be had? Will there be explosions? What about silly plot holes? Oh, the anticipation! Well, as we waited, we discovered that we also happened to have a bottle of gin with us. What a surprise. And so, we devised the following Jerry Bruckheimer Drinking Game!

Two fingers whenever...
The comedy sidekick says something 'funny',
Whenever the location of something is revealed by a sunbeam falling on it,
Gratuitous use of Hollywood Cobwebs,
Cut-away shots of creepy animals, eg snakes and rats,
Use of Flaming Torches,
Whenever something is brushed aside to reveal a clue.

Down the glass whenever...
Something blows up,
There is a logical leap that would even defy Dan Brown.

Meanwhile, the titles began. So Glitter for Brains proudly presents...

NATIONAL TREASURE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
Warning! Contains deliberate spoilers!


THE TITLES RUN.
Caption 'Walt Disney Pictures presents...'

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
Disney? What the fuck?

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER:
Five minutes til there's a big fuck-off explosion, boys!

THE GAY AUDIENCE charge their glasses.

CUT TO: SNOWY LANDSCAPE.

Enter NICOLAS CAGE on a snow sledge. So far, we have had to extend our disbelief about there being some Magic Treasure, but our conviction is stretched to breaking point by having to accept a balding middle-aged man with a gut and orange hair-plugs as an action hero.

Still...

JUSTIN BARTHA:
I've managed to find a ship buried under the ice!

NICOLAS CAGE:
I bet it's the first clue to the national treasure! The one my family has been looking to find for all these centuries! Ahahaha!

SEAN BEAN laughs along but then stops, evilly. If he had a moustache, he would be TWIRLING IT.

NICOLAS CAGE rubs away some snow, and finds a clue - A SHIP'S BELL.

DRINK TWO FINGERS.

INT: FROZEN SHIP

They examine the vessel which, considering it's been under the ice for a couple of hundred years, is in a remarkable state. With working doors and everything. They find a smoking pipe.

NICOLAS CAGE:
Oh no! Another clue! Lets see - 'Our great nation... something something'. Well, nation rhymes with 'Declaration' and we have one of those, and this was pointing due west, which is in completely the opposite direction to Washington, so...

SEAN BEAN:
Yes?

NICOLAS CAGE:
The next clue is written on the back of the Declaration of Independence!

THE AUDIENCE blinks. Then has to DOWN THE GLASS.

SEAN BEAN (throwing gunpowder all over the floor):
Aha! I'm not American, and therefore am evil. Give me the national treasure!

NICOLAS CAGE:
No! For I am an American, and therefore right and noble! You shan't have the national treasure!

They all run in different directions. The ship, of course, EXPLODES.

DOWN THE GLASS.

NICOLAS CAGE:
Well, Justin Bartha. That settles it. We have to steal the Declaration of Independence before him.

JUSTIN BARTHA splutters and wisecracks. Drink FOUR FINGERS, just to make sure you covered them all.

NICOLAS CAGE explains how the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE is protected via a series of UNLIKELY ELEVATORS.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER:
Hmm. As this part of the script involves a lot of words and no explosions, we'd better distract people with some whizzy CGI. Whee!

THE AUDIENCE gets dizzy. Anyway, SEAN BEAN is also after the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE - but is using bolt cutters and guns! How very unpatriotic of him! But that's OK, because via the back door, our podgy hero NICOLAS CAGE rolls in to execute his far more wholesome A-Team-style break-in. Yaaay!

Meanwhile, enter the glamorous DIANE KRUGER, protector of the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. Her job is to gasp 'What? THE Declaration of Independence?!' whenever it's mentioned.

DIANE KRUEGER:
Nicolas Cage! What have you got there, tucked under that roll of flab?

NICOLAS CAGE:
Er. Ah. Well, I'm going to trust you cause I like your hair, but it's the Declaration of Independence.

DIANE KRUGER:
What? THE Declaration of Independence?!

NICOLAS CAGE:
Yes! Now come and be a part of our Hollywood car chase!

They zoom around, chasing and being chased by SEAN BEAN. Larks!

Our heroes ESCAPE and end up in PENNSYLVANIA, thanks to the clue they found on the back of the DECLARATION. They get to do all the usual tourist things, plus break into oddly unguarded important parts of the building.

NICOLAS CAGE:
'Hell' rhymes with 'bell', 'bun' rhymes with 'sun'... Ah! The next clue is where the shadow of the Liberty Bell falls at exactly the time the clock is at on the one dollar bill!

THE AUDIENCE:
See. Now. Look. You're not even trying to make sense now, are you.

Still. They have to DOWN THEIR GLASS for the logical leap, then TWO FINGERS for the shadow falling on something to show the position. Oh, and another TWO FINGERS to catch up on all the wisecracking JUSTIN BARTHA has been making while they've been trying to refill their glass.

NICOLAS CAGE finds some GLASSES in the wall, which show a whole new map on the back of the DECLARATION - printed in such a way, it would have revolutionised colonial printing all those years back. He then takes a moment to talk through some more of the loose ends, practically jumping up and down on 'secret societies', 'ye olde American historie' and 'special technology' in order to make them fit into the PLOT HOLES.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER:
See? I haven't just ripped out the middle pages of The Da Vinci Code!

THE AUDIENCE:
No, you nicked all the Masonic stuff from his first book, too.

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER:
Oh, look! An explosion!

DRINK TWO FINGERS.

NICOLAS CAGE:
Hey. We're standing in the very place where the Declaration of Independence-

DIANE KRUGER:
What? THE Declaration of Independence?!

NICOLAS CAGE:
Yes. THE Declaration of Independence - was actually signed. It hasn't been here in around three centuries. This is a historic moment - isn't America just fucking great?

The MUSIC SWELLS. All in the square states of the US, people are heaving themselves out of their seats and clasping their HANDS TO THEIR HEARTS.

SEAN BEAN whistles from across the set. They all turn.

SEAN BEAN:
Well, we have your father, John Voight! Give me the national treasure!

NICOLAS CAGE:
Dad! No! Why?

SEAN BEAN:
We'd paid his appearance fee and thought we'd better get some use of him. So far, he's spent the entire movie stuffing his oddly immovable face at the catering truck.

NICOLAS CAGE (patting his own expansive gut):
That's my dad!

JOHN VOIGHT:
Son, what have you been doing?

NICOLAS CAGE:
Dad! Why, I've managed to get close to the national treasure! Further that you, or granddad! Look, I've even managed to pinch the Declaration of Independence!

JOHN VOIGHT:
What? THE Declaration of Independence?!

DIANE KRUGER:
Hey!

SEAN BEAN:
Right! Let's go to the location of the last clue. I'm tired of trying to carry this movie.

They drag out the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, and check the new map. By this point, people have stopped handling the DECLARATION with any due care and attention. In fact, JUSTIN BARTHA can clearly be seen making a Paper Airplane of it at the back during the of this scene.

CUT TO: UNDERNEATH A CHURCH, WHERE THE NATIONAL TREASURE MAY LAY.

PLEASE NOTE: Over the finale, there is gratuitous use of both Hollywood Cobwebs and Flaming Torches. Just drink every TWO MINUTES. For one, it helps dull the pain.

They all DESCEND to the TREASURE ROOM. How completely unexpected! The ROOM is empty!

SEAN BEAN:
Where is the national treasure?!

NICOLAS CAGE:
Er. It's been taken away. Yeah, we can roll with that - it's been taken faaaar away.

SEAN BEAN:
Oh really? Right then. We'll just pop off to wherever you say. Where was it again?

NICOLAS CAGE:
Faaaar away. If you run, you can still catch it!

SEAN BEAN:
Right-o! Bye then. Oh, and no discovering any real treasure while we're gone!

They all laugh. Exeunt SEAN BEAN, muttering about his AGENT.

NICOLAS CAGE springs into action! And finds a secret passage to a secret room! The NATIONAL TREASURE may soon be theirs!

The ROOM is empty. JUSTIN BARTHA wisecracks.

NICOLAS CAGE:
Oh. So there wasn't any National Treasure after all.

JOHN VOIGHT:
Oh yes there was. The treasure was in all of us. If I hadn't have come along, I certainly wouldn't be as rich as I am in my heart at this moment. Thank you. Thank you, son, for giving me the real treasure.

THE STRAIGHT AUDIENCE:
I can't believe he delivered that with a straight face.

THE GAY AUDIENCE:
Well, look at him. He's got so much botox in him, he could say he deserves an Oscar for this role and still not be able to blink.

Of course, now it's established that they don't need the TREASURE, they find the TREASURE. In a new CAVERN that looks a heck of a lot older than the MAYFLOWER, we can tell you.

Everyone is HAPPY, so we...

CUT TO: THE HAPPY ENDING

And in the greatest acting challenge to her career, Diane Kruger makes out that she and Nicolas Cage are an item. As the credits roll, she giggles girlishly as he playfully lumbers after her. And dear Jerry Bruckheimer laughs all the way to the bank.

THE END.

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