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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

The Glitter for Brains Review of the Year!

Hello! We?re back! And feeling reminisce-y!
Oh yes, like the Rent-boy of Time, 2004 came and went, leaving little more than a stain on the duvet of our lives and us with a vaguely cheapened feeling. But! It wasn't all Cheeky Girls singles and Emmerdale specials - there was some good in the world! Check out all that pleased us - and what really didn't - in our ever-expansive Review of the Year!

New Favourite Thing!
Last year, we were singing the praises of the Alias, not just loudly, but also slightly out of key. Well, lo and behold, we're once again praying at the altar of show creator JJ Abram because his new series 'Lost' is a simple joy! So we're only eight episodes in, but the fit lead guy has got his top of three times now which, we're sure you'll agree, is a more than pleasing average. Hurrah! Eh? What? Oh yes, and the story's good as well.

Man Alive!
As that aging Spanish psychic with the enormous breasts - the mad one that lives down the end of our road - all too often happens to say, "Boys, boys, boys - I'm looking for a good time!" Well, we too have been looking for our own summertime love, and he's the list of gentlemen who we'd love to pick up our carefully-dropped lace hankies. List!

Tyron Leitso! Wisecracking barman from Wonderfalls!
Justin Bartha! Wisecracking sidekick in National Treasure!
Bradley Cooper! Wisecracking sidekick in Alias! (If his turn as the pushy British rockstar didn't make you drop your chips, leave the room now.)

And who's the Chief Treasurer to our Wank-Bank this year? Why it's Ryan Reynolds! Wisecracking sidekick from Blade Trinity! In a performance that was mostly pectoral, Reynolds was the perfect distraction in that car-crash of a movie. "I date a lot of older men," says his character when asked how he could afford all his gang's equipment, leaving all the gays in the audience suddenly finding their aforementioned lace hankies mysteriously crispier than when they first sat down.

Falling out of the chart:

Joaquin Phoenix - whoever gave in to the rider in his contract that says he's allowed two pieces of cake for every one ManBalloon John Travolta has should be sacked. Have you seen the size of him in Ladder 49? The former leggy lovely has slipped out of the chart not through our own usual fickle means, but simply thanks to gravity.

And controversially, Michael Vartan. Well. It would be like a wrinkled toucan pummelling at you, wouldn't it?

Best Failure of the Year
Ah, bless 2004 - for this was the year when it finally started falling apart for our former Spice Girl favourite, Victoria Beckham! What with her debut album laughably being used as coasters all over the Virgin Headquarters, our Vic tried to claw a solo career together, hanging on to musical fame by the tips of her fake nails. But public say no, and her latest attempt 'This Groove' slipped away without any further incident. Well, this could have been the last we'd seen of her, if her romeo husband hadn't hit the headlines by diddling the PA. Now, while we shan't be the first to throw stones - lets face it, who of us hasn't had sex in the Loos? - it fell to Vic to play the martyr, all pouts, sunglasses and headscarves. But as the five of you who saw Spiceworld: The Movie know that acting isn't exactly Mz Beckham's strongpoint, leaving the whole world pointing and laughing at her complete collapse to curry compassion. Vic - we raise our glass to you - not in camaraderie, but to rejoice in your failure. Go it, girl!

Celebrity Murders
We're really sorry - pop porker Daniel Beddingfield appears to be more resilient than we first thought. We're going to try again this year. Oh, and it's no coincidence the insipid whinings of Dido have ceased. That's all we shall say.

Favourite New Catchphrase
...comes from one of our fabulous celeb friends, the editor of a well-known soap magazine. There he was, chopping up some lines of Showbiz Sherbert on the back of Emma Bunton's album during one of his glittering parties, and happily handing it around so people could snort off her heavily-photoshopped thighs. Now we're sure you're all aware that said Disco Dust is, well, so moorish that people were clamoring for more come midnight. Cue lovely editor poking his head around the living room door, brandishing the brimming CD with a fabulously sly "Oh, that naughty Emma Bunton?" Larks!

Worst Film of the Year
Phantom of the Opera - without a doubt. A movie so bad that we couldn't even be bothered to write an abridged script for it. If you do have the misfortune of having to watch it, we deeply advise walking out. Especially if you're on a plane.

But if you are trapped in your seat - maybe you're on one of those cheap flights that is a tad overbooked and requires everyone to remain perfectly still lest the plane smashes into the side of a mountain - take time to note the way the Phantom's infamous scarring changes. When Mia first rips off his mask, he's able to cover his blemish with a hand - nay, two fingers when he has to reach an overly-emotional crescendo. One wonders whether the dear Phantom is merely troubled by an unsightly patch of skin? Maybe he suffers from an oily T-Zone? Yet when his mask is finally removed, entire side of face looks like he decided the best way to exfoliate would be with a cheese grater. And his hairline is worse than balding adventurer Nicholas Cage. Hilarious!

Best Film of the Year
Though tempted to put the newly-discovered Australian classic 'Red Centre: Sheep Shearers in the City', we at Glitter for Brains have decided to review movies with a song in our heart and a pencil behind our ear, rather than with our trousers around our ankles. So it's 'I, Robot'.

Word of the Year
1st place: Hilarious!
2nd place: Tulip.

Album of the Year
We're going to vote that Girls Aloud's 'What Would The Neighbours Say?' is the album of the year, but only because we took some bad acid on the Queen's official birthday and so we can't remember anything before June.

And finally, Daftest Thing To Happen To Your Ruler This Year!
1st place: being completely surrounded by gorgeous women from Doctor Who!

2nd place: being completely surrounded by quokkas!

3rd place: getting more hits than Ulrika Jonssen! We love you all for visiting, you adorable, adorable things. Do come back, y'all!

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