Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, January 14, 2005

My Glittering Column

We at Glitter for Brains simply love getting mail - however it's spelt! - and I'm sure you're all aware that I personally just love offering my hand to strangers! Oh yes, I do like to help out the odd friend (heavens - I've never turned out anyone, for that matter!) and I've been sitting on my bulging sack for the past week thinking that I must take you all in and deal with you. So, who's got a load on their chest they want me to help get off?

Dear Glitter for Brains,
I really have difficulty talking to men. I mean, I'm not bad looking, but I just can't pluck up the courage to talk to them! Help me out before my teeth start floating - I haven't been despunked in a year!
Yours, Rupert, Dewey

Well, with a mouth like that, we're not surprised! Wash it out at once! Anyway, I always find that you can never go wrong with a top-class chat-up line! Oh, they may be corny, but by gods they do work, and you'll soon find yourself sleeping your way to the bottom in no time at all! So without further ado, we proudly present The Patent-Pending Glitter for Brains Top Three Cop-Off Lines!

1. Hello, I'm an amnesiac. Do I come here often?
2. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Gretchen?
3. So. Do you fancy some toast and a fuck? (And then, after the slap you're going to get, reply with 'What? You don't like toast?')

Hurrah! Now for some nigh-on illegible scrawlings, riddled with spelling mistakes.

Dear Gliter for Brains,
I'm reelly, really in love with the TV show Charmed starring Shannon Dockery as Piper or Prue. It is my favrite! I am wanting to be an actor so I can be in the TV show Charmed. As you are in the medea, can you tell me who I can write to in order to be in the TV show Charmed? It would be a dreem come true! PS I love your site - it is very pink.
Yours, Sharon, Croydon.

Dear Sharon,
These are your dreams.
This is a pin.
That was a bang.
Now, this is real life. Get on with it.

Dear Glitter for Brains,
My boyfriend is always on his mobile phone - I can't get him off it! Now his company is paying for the phone bills, it seems it is forever strapped to his ear. He was even texting during our anniversary dinner! Tell me, how can I get him to stop?
Yours, Rung Out of Clapham.

Dear Rung,
Ah, the mobile cell phone - the scourge of the modern world. You know, you can't go on public transport these days (and heaven forefend that I would!) without it sounding like an edition of CD:UK thanks to the bleepy versions of the chart hits blaring around the bus. Well, it's all good news for you, dear Rung, as it's a well known fact that these little devices are microwave transmitters, so every time you use one, more and more brain cells die. So your boyfriend will soon stop thanks to him shortly being turned into a dribbling vegetable! Be safe. Only use your mobile phone for texting 'Desperate Housewives is on!', and 'Doesn't Teri Hatcher look rough these days?' and 'Get me a vodka and orange now you're up'.

Dear Glitter for Brains,
My name is Ewan, but people have said that I have more than a passing resemblance to rising film star Ryan Reynolds. I'm a nice Scottish boy with what I think is a great personality and sparkling green eyes. My problem is that women are put off by my height - I'm over six-foot-four - and if we ever get past that, they are utterly horrified by the size of my manhood. It's over a foot long. What can I do? I'm still a virgin thanks to my current girl being put off whenever I drop my trousers. Will I ever find someone who will love me?
Yours, Ewan, Edinburgh

Dear Ewan,
Firstly, ditch the bitch and make the switch. Second, my taxi's just arrived, so smooth down the sheets and wash the end of that monster under the tap - daddy's coming!

Dear Glitter for Brains,
You seem so wise and well-traveled. Is there any words of advice you can give us mere mortals on how to be as fabulous as yourself?
Yours, P. Frankham, Bristol.

Dear P,
Why yes! Yes there is. My mother gave me a mantra that has proven quite effective over the last twenty years of my fabulous life. She said, 'Never do yellow, heights, or all you can eat buffets. Oh, and if a man tries to take you up the "dirt road", make sure you do it to him first!' She'd have a twinkle in her eye by then; 'That's the only way he'll know it's a 30 mile per hour zone!' she'd cry, banging her hook on the table with mirth. Oh yes, I owe a lot to my mother - not most the fact that I can still walk after having more pricks than a second-hand dartboard. So I hope that answers your question, P!

Dear Glitter for Brains,
Baccara or Girls Aloud?
Yours, D. Bailey, Catford

Dear D,
Ooh, you minx! My immediate answer is Girls Aloud, but only as the tickets to to their stadium tour has arrived as I write this, probably to he sound of the Hallelujah Chorus. Can you believe that they're going on tour? All five of them trolling around the country in a white limo, going "Pwooor!" out the window to passing boys, gesturing rudely with a half-empty bottle of cava. They're not classy. They're probably stopping in a Travel Inn, too. Can you imagine them slumping down to the resturant first thing, yesterday's make-up sliding down their face? And I bet Nicola nicks the salt and pepper set to send home to her ma.

But! Baccara still have a special place in my heart. Who else but those wacky foreigners could rhyme 'dynamite' with 'have you got a light?'.

Well. I'm spent! Have a great weekend, everyone!

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