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Wednesday, January 26, 2005

The Week Cher Came To Stay Pt 3

LEE: He-lloooo! I'm back! Traffic was murd-OH MY GOD! What did you do?!

JAY: Nothing, nothing!

LEE: Jay!

JAY: I tell you. Nothing has occurred. Just go through to your room and play Girls Aloud like you normally do. I'll just... get a blanket...

LEE: Oh my! What happened to Cher?!

JAY: Just look away. Nothing ensued.

LEE: JAY! Tell me!

JAY: Sigh. Well, er. We were playing Trivial Pursuits, and I won, and I did my little 'I Am The Master Of All You Minions' dance and got a bit... carried away.

LEE: You can say that again! You've knocked her head off!

JAY: I got a little excited. And it was only Trivial Pursuits.

LEE: Well that was silly!

JAY: I know. I killed a showbiz icon with my victory dance.

LEE: Oh, not just that, she's got a built-in search engine. She knows all the answers.

JAY: I knew she was cheating! Nobody knows that much about 'Z-Cars'...

LEE: This is bad.

JAY: I don't think so - I find it's a rather over-rated show from the Sixties.

LEE: No! Look! Cher!

JAY: Well, maybe if we, er... get this bucket and paint a smile on it. No-one would clock a damn thing!

LEE: Perhaps if we were trying for Sophie Ellis-Bextor, then... No! No! It's a ridiculous idea! She's got a public appearance in a couple of days!

JAY: She can't go along with a bucket on her head...

LEE: Goodness knows I tried to persuade pop-porker Daniel Bedingfield to do the same in my time.

JAY: Shush. Where did her head go?

LEE: Over the back of the sofa. Should I look?

JAY: I'll get it.

LEE: No! Fingerprints! Blood! I've seen CSI - save yourself! I'll take the rap! Though I am too pretty for the wiles of the common criminal, I shall go to prison and become top dog, rather like Noel Coward in The Italian Job. Oh yes, chocolate digestives shall flow from my cell every-

JAY: Here it is.

LEE: Yes! Chocolate biscuits- good lord.

JAY: But... it appears to be... in pieces! This isn't right...

LEE: Didn't you know? Cher's a robot.

JAY: Excuse me?

LEE: Cher. She's a robot. Has been since 1978. Her voice on her number one-charting hit, that electronic 'Duu-yuuu-beleeeEEEve' - it's her real voice.

JAY: You're pulling my leg.

LEE: No, I'm not. It's the final stage in her Master Plan to remain young forever!

JAY: Well it's hit a pretty big bump, what with her being a foot shorter now. And not being able to sing. Although...

LEE: Don't you dare make that joke! You're already in enough trouble as it with the Gay Council!

JAY: Really?

LEE: Yes! You've just killed their leader!

JAY: They don't scare me.

LEE: They Have Powers.

JAY: Like what?

LEE: No more 'Desperate Housewives'..?

JAY: Noooo!

LEE: Get up off your knees! It's unseemly!

JAY: But (sniff) no more of Teri Hatcher's oddly lined face...

LEE: I know. So think on. We need to put this right.

JAY: Any suggestions?

LEE: Well, I have no ideas. Bar running to Scotland and opening a charming bed and breakfast under the pseudonym 'Monica'.

JAY: But that's your answer to everything! Honestly, as soon as you saw the TV Detector van in the street last week, you were reaching for the wig and calling for the rail tickets!

LEE: I like my plan.

JAY: Well, we need a different one.

LEE: One that may or may not include wigs?

JAY: Maybe. Now, think.

LEE: That's a pretty tall order at the best of times. And now we have a headless, malfunctioning diva on our sofa!

JAY: Think, goddamn it!

LEE: OK! Right. I'm thinking... I'm thinking... Scotland. Yes! And the name 'Monica'...

JAY: I'm going to have to hurt you, aren't I?

LEE: Ow! Ah! Now! I have the very plan - something that will exonerate us completely!

JAY: What is it?

LEE: I'll tell you after we've had a cup of tea...


To Be Continued

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