Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The Week Cher Came To Stay Pt 4

LEE: Here's your tea. Do you know how difficult it is to buy fifty-denier tights in rush hour?

JAY: Thankfully, no.

LEE: Well, I've just had to find out, and it was hell! And I'll never- GASP!

JAY: Well. She was cluttering up the place.

LEE: You can't do that!

JAY: Well, you'll see that I already have.

LEE: You can't use Cher's beheaded body as a hat-stand!

JAY: Well. Obviously you can.

LEE: And where's that music coming from?

JAY: It turns out our imitation icon not only has 'Made In Taiwan' stamped somewhere slightly intimate, but she's also got a built-in MP3 player.

LEE: Jay! You haven't been rifling though our diva's drawers, have you?

JAY: No, hilariously, while you were out, I got her design schematics sent over from the lab. And you'll never guess where the volume knob is...

LEE: Give me those!

JAY: It really is impressive work.

LEE: Wow. Well, will you look at that. It says her hair is made from Block Transfer Computations!

JAY: What's that?

LEE: Oh, a joke for three people.

JAY: Right. Geek.

LEE: Proton accelerator... Flux Capacitor...

JAY: What, as in..?

LEE: Looks like it.

JAY: Cher can travel through time?

LEE: I suppose it would explain why her tour bus never goes over 88 miles per hour... My god! Do you realise what this means?

JAY: That Cher could be responsible for guiding humanity throughout the ages!

LEE: No - she was lying when she sung 'If I Could Turn Back Time' because she could ALL ALONG!

JAY: So she could have taken back all those words that would have hurt us, and we'd have stayed!

LEE: Yes!

JAY: Well I never.

LEE: I know. Although, do you realise... she can travel through time... and she's staying in our house... so that makes this -

JAY: Don't say it.

LEE: A Time Cher Apartment!

JAY: You said it.

LEE: I said it.

JAY: Am I going to have to hurt you again?

LEE: No - ow! - stop that!

JAY: So, are we all prepared for tonight?

LEE: I think so. You've got the map, I've got the Body Shop facepacks, the naked picture of Jackie Stallone in a sturdy envelope, some fifty-denier tights, and all the usual gumph for breaking-and-entering.

JAY: For the record, I think this is a stupid idea.

LEE: For the record, you couldn't think of anything better. After half an hour, you even decided that moving to Scotland in wigs and being called Monica was viable.

JAY: Well it's better than this!

LEE: It would never have worked. We can't BOTH be called Monica.

JAY: Good point. Right, you got everything?

LEE: Yup.

JAY: Including your bus fare?

LEE: Yup.

JAY: Table's all set up, generator's cranked for when we get back with... the item?

LEE: Yup.

JAY: Right then. Let's go and sort out this mess!

LEE: Or die trying!

JAY: Don't say that.

LEE: Right.

(pause)

LEE: You going to leave Cher on?

JAY: Yes. Burglars will think there's someone in.

LEE: Good idea.


To Be Continued.

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