Friday, January 28, 2005
The Week Cher Came To Stay Pt 5
LEE: I can't help it. You put me in a room with a wax effigy of George Clooney, of course I'm going to squeal like a girl!
JAY: Well try and keep it down when you see Brad Pitt.
LEE: Keep what down?
JAY: Your voice.
LEE: Oh! Right. Carry on.
JAY: Do be quieter! The guards will hear us!
JAY: That's better. Now according to the guide map, the Vestibule of the Fabulous is up here. Is that where Cher is?
LEE: Tsk. Where else would she be.
JAY: I dunno. Canteen? Melted down into some improbably sexy candles?
LEE: Gasp! You know when all this is over, you and I are going to have a long chat. Mostly about worshipping Gay Idols. But also a useful sideline about knocking the heads off of house guests!
JAY: Quieten down! Do you want to be grabbed by the coppers?
LEE: It's a constant threat every time I go through a low door in this dress. It doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, does it?
JAY: Unfortunately, no.
LEE: I'd class it as 'radioactive'. If you touch me, I'll fall-out.
JAY: Shhh! Someone's coming!
LEE: Quick! Freeze!
JAY: Give us a glance at that picture of the naked Jackie Stallone - that's enough to scare anyone rigid!
LEE: Here you go-Arg!
LEE: He's gone. That was close.
JAY: That was disgusting. Although I do feel the sudden urge to buy a leather sofa from DFS...
LEE: But when all's said and done, you have to admit that breaking into Madame Tussaud's as a waxwork was a brilliant idea.
JAY: It's a ridiculous idea. It just happened to be the best one we had.
LEE: And brilliance comes no better than these cheap Boots facepacks give our skin a shiny, yet realistic complexion. Our skin looks as fake as Joan Rivers!
JAY: We can commit crimes and cleanse our pores at the same time! What a boon.
LEE: Like the jacket, too. Who's is it?
JAY: Konstantin von Neurath - Head of the Nazi Secret Cabinet.
LEE: What did you do with the waxwork?
JAY: I stuffed him in with Moira Stewart and the BBC News team.
LEE: That'll surprise and delight future visitors.
JAY: I know. Who's costume did you steal?
LEE: Carmen Miranda, forties fruity chanteuse.
JAY: Works really well with your hairy chest. Did she look as pale as you do?
LEE: Well. Now. There's a story. In order to dispose of all the evidence of our diabolical plan, I had to eat the other Carmen's hat.
JAY: Oooh. Nasty. There were a lot of bananas.
LEE: You don't know the half of it - it was wax fruit.
LEE: I know. Our toilet is in for a-
JAY: Stop right there. I do not wish to know.
LEE: But! We coul-
LEE: All I'm saying is I now eat a length of string, we could be making fiver a pop at Camden Market.
JAY: You're sick.
LEE: I will be if we don't stop jogging.
JAY: Look, it's only over there! And there's the Cher waxwork!
LEE: Oh, thank the lord - these heels are killing me. And soon we can put an end to these daft Cher-nanigans.
JAY: Do that again and I shall hurt you. Now, all we have to do is - erk! - get over the rope and - ah! - grab the-
LEE: I think it's alarmed!
JAY: So am I after that surprise!
LEE: No, look! There's a wire - I think Cher is booby trapped!
JAY: What? Oh no...
LEE: Oh yes.
JAY: What do we do? Cut the wire? Chance it?
LEE: No... no... It looks like a pressure pad. You take her off, and those doors are going to slam shut. We'll be trapped!
JAY: All night in a room with Susan Dando's waxwork? I don't think so.
LEE: Let me think... Have you seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'? That bit at the beginning where Indiana steals the statue? I think we have to replace Cher... with someone exactly as fabulous as her!
JAY: What? Impossible!
LEE: I know - for one, Kylie Minogue is four halls that way! What about Betty Boothroyd, former Speaker in the House of Lords?
JAY: Too... um, cumbersome. Besides, before we met up, I'd placed it rather... intimately with the Patricia Routledge waxwork.
JAY: It's all right. I put a doily down first.
LEE: Good boy. Now, what about Dolly Parton over there?
JAY: Yes! That will be perfect! On three - you heave her in, I'll get her off. As it where. Ready? One... Two...
LEE: THREE! Oof! We did it!
JAY: Indeed! We have the Cher!
JAY: Now all we have to do is get it back home and re-attach this head to that body. So how are we going to sneak out?
LEE: Ah. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
JAY: Excuse me?
LEE: Well. I was convinced we'd be captured long before this. Tossed cruelly in a cell with a huge man who likes to call you 'Brenda', eating foul prison gruel with nothing but the tunes of the well-known hit musical 'Annie' to hum to yourself. 'It's A Hard-Knock Life' indeed...
JAY: What is it with you and prisons?
LEE: I think in a former life I was Diana Ross.
JAY: I'm not even going to go into what's wrong with that. Or you.
LEE: I've got it! We can reanimate Cher here! And then we can just walk out past the guards, who will hopefully do a comedic double-take and then faint!
JAY: Brilliant. Now how?
LEE: Right. We, er... We need a huge electrical charge! Yes. And the shattered bits of head... I'll just put them under this one's wig. Here - put these on.
JAY: Now, why do I have to wear the tights?
LEE: Your legs are longer. Now rub up and down the carpet until you feel static-y!
JAY: I'm... not... happy... about... this...
LEE: OW! Don?t touch me when you're charged! Touch her! Oh, wait until I've attached her to the mains. Right... NOW!
JAY: ARG! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRG!
LEE: Jay! Jay! Are you OK?
JAY: Yes. I think I'm blind.
LEE: No, the lights have gone out. I think we fused them...
LEE: Jay! She's alive! SHE'S ALIVE!
JAY: Oh dear. Look outside. I think we blacked out most of London.
LEE: That's alright, your hair's still glowing.
LEE: Nothing! Just lead on!
JAY: Why are my ears warm?
LEE: No reason. Oh, arsebiscuits. The guards... they've spotted us!
JAY: Just act casual. Remember, we are three reanimated waxworks, just out for a night in London's whizzy West End...
LEE: What if they don't buy it?
JAY: 'It's A Hard Knock Life', remember?
LEE: Right. Gulp. Ready? Here we go...