Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Friday, January 28, 2005

The Week Cher Came To Stay Pt 5


JAY: Shhhh!

LEE: I can't help it. You put me in a room with a wax effigy of George Clooney, of course I'm going to squeal like a girl!

JAY: Well try and keep it down when you see Brad Pitt.

LEE: Keep what down?

JAY: Your voice.

LEE: Oh! Right. Carry on.

JAY: Do be quieter! The guards will hear us!

LEE: ok.

JAY: That's better. Now according to the guide map, the Vestibule of the Fabulous is up here. Is that where Cher is?

LEE: Tsk. Where else would she be.

JAY: I dunno. Canteen? Melted down into some improbably sexy candles?

LEE: Gasp! You know when all this is over, you and I are going to have a long chat. Mostly about worshipping Gay Idols. But also a useful sideline about knocking the heads off of house guests!

JAY: Quieten down! Do you want to be grabbed by the coppers?

LEE: It's a constant threat every time I go through a low door in this dress. It doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, does it?

JAY: Unfortunately, no.

LEE: I'd class it as 'radioactive'. If you touch me, I'll fall-out.

JAY: Shhh! Someone's coming!

LEE: Quick! Freeze!

JAY: Give us a glance at that picture of the naked Jackie Stallone - that's enough to scare anyone rigid!

LEE: Here you go-Arg!

JAY: Eww!

(pause)

LEE: He's gone. That was close.

JAY: That was disgusting. Although I do feel the sudden urge to buy a leather sofa from DFS...

LEE: But when all's said and done, you have to admit that breaking into Madame Tussaud's as a waxwork was a brilliant idea.

JAY: It's a ridiculous idea. It just happened to be the best one we had.

LEE: And brilliance comes no better than these cheap Boots facepacks give our skin a shiny, yet realistic complexion. Our skin looks as fake as Joan Rivers!

JAY: We can commit crimes and cleanse our pores at the same time! What a boon.

LEE: Like the jacket, too. Who's is it?

JAY: Konstantin von Neurath - Head of the Nazi Secret Cabinet.

LEE: What did you do with the waxwork?

JAY: I stuffed him in with Moira Stewart and the BBC News team.

LEE: Naked?

JAY: Yes.

LEE: That'll surprise and delight future visitors.

JAY: I know. Who's costume did you steal?

LEE: Carmen Miranda, forties fruity chanteuse.

JAY: Works really well with your hairy chest. Did she look as pale as you do?

LEE: Well. Now. There's a story. In order to dispose of all the evidence of our diabolical plan, I had to eat the other Carmen's hat.

JAY: Oooh. Nasty. There were a lot of bananas.

LEE: You don't know the half of it - it was wax fruit.

JAY: Oh.

LEE: I know. Our toilet is in for a-

JAY: Stop right there. I do not wish to know.

LEE: But! We coul-

JAY: Shush.

LEE: All I'm saying is I now eat a length of string, we could be making fiver a pop at Camden Market.

JAY: You're sick.

LEE: I will be if we don't stop jogging.

JAY: Look, it's only over there! And there's the Cher waxwork!

LEE: Oh, thank the lord - these heels are killing me. And soon we can put an end to these daft Cher-nanigans.

JAY: Do that again and I shall hurt you. Now, all we have to do is - erk! - get over the rope and - ah! - grab the-

LEE: WAIT!

JAY: Shush!

LEE: wait!

JAY: What?

LEE: I think it's alarmed!

JAY: So am I after that surprise!

LEE: No, look! There's a wire - I think Cher is booby trapped!

JAY: What? Oh no...

LEE: Oh yes.

JAY: What do we do? Cut the wire? Chance it?

LEE: No... no... It looks like a pressure pad. You take her off, and those doors are going to slam shut. We'll be trapped!

JAY: All night in a room with Susan Dando's waxwork? I don't think so.

LEE: Let me think... Have you seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'? That bit at the beginning where Indiana steals the statue? I think we have to replace Cher... with someone exactly as fabulous as her!

JAY: What? Impossible!

LEE: I know - for one, Kylie Minogue is four halls that way! What about Betty Boothroyd, former Speaker in the House of Lords?

JAY: Too... um, cumbersome. Besides, before we met up, I'd placed it rather... intimately with the Patricia Routledge waxwork.

LEE: Ew.

JAY: It's all right. I put a doily down first.

LEE: Good boy. Now, what about Dolly Parton over there?

JAY: Yes! That will be perfect! On three - you heave her in, I'll get her off. As it where. Ready? One... Two...

LEE: THREE! Oof! We did it!

JAY: Indeed! We have the Cher!

LEE: Hurrah!

JAY: Now all we have to do is get it back home and re-attach this head to that body. So how are we going to sneak out?

LEE: Ah. I hadn't thought that far ahead.

JAY: Excuse me?

LEE: Well. I was convinced we'd be captured long before this. Tossed cruelly in a cell with a huge man who likes to call you 'Brenda', eating foul prison gruel with nothing but the tunes of the well-known hit musical 'Annie' to hum to yourself. 'It's A Hard-Knock Life' indeed...

JAY: What is it with you and prisons?

LEE: I think in a former life I was Diana Ross.

JAY: I'm not even going to go into what's wrong with that. Or you.

LEE: I've got it! We can reanimate Cher here! And then we can just walk out past the guards, who will hopefully do a comedic double-take and then faint!

JAY: Brilliant. Now how?

LEE: Right. We, er... We need a huge electrical charge! Yes. And the shattered bits of head... I'll just put them under this one's wig. Here - put these on.

JAY: Now, why do I have to wear the tights?

LEE: Your legs are longer. Now rub up and down the carpet until you feel static-y!

JAY: I'm... not... happy... about... this...

LEE: OW! Don?t touch me when you're charged! Touch her! Oh, wait until I've attached her to the mains. Right... NOW!

JAY: ARG! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRG!

LEE: Jay! Jay! Are you OK?

JAY: Yes. I think I'm blind.

LEE: No, the lights have gone out. I think we fused them...

JAY: Goodness.

CHER: DUU-YUUU-BELEEEEEEVE...

LEE: Jay! She's alive! SHE'S ALIVE!

JAY: Oh dear. Look outside. I think we blacked out most of London.

LEE: That's alright, your hair's still glowing.

JAY: Pardon?

LEE: Nothing! Just lead on!

JAY: Why are my ears warm?

LEE: No reason. Oh, arsebiscuits. The guards... they've spotted us!

JAY: Just act casual. Remember, we are three reanimated waxworks, just out for a night in London's whizzy West End...

LEE: What if they don't buy it?

JAY: 'It's A Hard Knock Life', remember?

LEE: Right. Gulp. Ready? Here we go...


THE END.

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