Monday, January 24, 2005
The Week... Pt 1
JAY: Who's in our bathroom? I'm dying for a wee.
LEE: Gasp. Give me your Gay Card.
JAY: No. I need it to jimmy the lock on Johnny Wilkinson's dressing room.
JAY: Sigh indeed. Although sudden expiration of air does not help with my toilet situations.
LEE: I can imagine.
JAY: I'd rather you didn't.
LEE: That's a good point. Cup of tea? Go on, I'll just run the kettle. Perhaps a nice, large mug of lovely warm fluid will take your mind off it.
JAY: You're a cruel man, Binding.
LEE: It's the beard, I find.
JAY: Ye-es. Anyway. You still haven't answered why there's someone else in our fabulously well-appointed bathroom.
LEE: It's Cher!
JAY: Yes! But why is she in our bathroom?!
LEE: I dunno. Perhaps she needed the toilet.
JAY: I'm afraid you're missing the point.
LEE: I'm afraid she may have missed the bowl. Can you hear that?
JAY: I chose not to. I still need a wee.
LEE: Right. Right. Anyway, she's just stopping for a couple of days. I hope that's all right.
JAY: She's what?
LEE: Stopping over for a couple of days. That is OK, isn't it?
JAY: You mean we're going to have an a-list celeb, the great-grandmother of reinvention, staying with us?
LEE: I don't think it's not fair to call her a 'great-grandmother'... Well, not to her face at least.
JAY: Hmph. And which face is she using today?
LEE: Shh! She's got bionic hearing!
JAY: Don't be silly. And I'm aggrieved about this. Tell me again what the House Rules are.
LEE: 'Always Hang Your Umbrella On The Hat-Stand If You Have A Gentleman Caller Visiting'?
JAY: Not that one.
LEE: 'No Leg Warmers'?
JAY: No. But that's a motto for life, not just a house rule.
LEE: Good point. Er. 'No A-List Celebs Without A Week's Notice'?
JAY: That's the one. What if I'd booked in someone who couldn't stand Cher, thus leading to an awkward moment over the froi gras.
LEE: Ha! See the flaw in your logic! No-one dislikes Cher!
JAY: Ha! See the flaw in yours - what if I'd got Sonny Bono over for dinner.
LEE: Your powers of necromancy would indeed be powerful - he's been dead years.
JAY: He has?
LEE: Yes. Killed on a skiing holiday in 1998. Smacked right into a tree at speed. You could say-
JAY: Don't say it.
LEE: You could say it was his Last Big Hit!
JAY: You said it.
LEE: I said it.
JAY: Tsk. Well, how long's she going to be?
LEE: Oh, just a couple of days...
JAY: What, in the toilet? I'll bust by then!
LEE: No! Staying with us.
LEE: So it's all right then?
JAY: I suppose so. But if she even goes near my Tanqueray Ten gin, there'll be hell to pay.
LEE: Oh she won't go near that. But I have a horrible feeling our electricity bill's going to be a bit higher this month... Where are you going?
JAY: To have a wee in the garden.
LEE: Hang on - we haven't got a garden. Hey! Get out of my Busy Lizzy!
To Be Continued.