Journey through space to the Planet Fabulous, where the Ruler of the Universe will see you shortly.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Week... Pt 1


JAY: Who's in our bathroom? I'm dying for a wee.

LEE: Cher.

JAY: Who?

LEE: Gasp. Give me your Gay Card.

JAY: No. I need it to jimmy the lock on Johnny Wilkinson's dressing room.

LEE: Sigh...

JAY: Sigh indeed. Although sudden expiration of air does not help with my toilet situations.

LEE: I can imagine.

JAY: I'd rather you didn't.

LEE: That's a good point. Cup of tea? Go on, I'll just run the kettle. Perhaps a nice, large mug of lovely warm fluid will take your mind off it.

JAY: You're a cruel man, Binding.

LEE: It's the beard, I find.

JAY: Ye-es. Anyway. You still haven't answered why there's someone else in our fabulously well-appointed bathroom.

LEE: It's Cher!

JAY: Yes! But why is she in our bathroom?!

LEE: I dunno. Perhaps she needed the toilet.

(pause)

JAY: I'm afraid you're missing the point.

LEE: I'm afraid she may have missed the bowl. Can you hear that?

JAY: I chose not to. I still need a wee.

LEE: Right. Right. Anyway, she's just stopping for a couple of days. I hope that's all right.

JAY: She's what?

LEE: Stopping over for a couple of days. That is OK, isn't it?

JAY: You mean we're going to have an a-list celeb, the great-grandmother of reinvention, staying with us?

LEE: I don't think it's not fair to call her a 'great-grandmother'... Well, not to her face at least.

JAY: Hmph. And which face is she using today?

LEE: Shh! She's got bionic hearing!

JAY: Don't be silly. And I'm aggrieved about this. Tell me again what the House Rules are.

LEE: 'Always Hang Your Umbrella On The Hat-Stand If You Have A Gentleman Caller Visiting'?

JAY: Not that one.

LEE: 'No Leg Warmers'?

JAY: No. But that's a motto for life, not just a house rule.

LEE: Good point. Er. 'No A-List Celebs Without A Week's Notice'?

JAY: That's the one. What if I'd booked in someone who couldn't stand Cher, thus leading to an awkward moment over the froi gras.

LEE: Ha! See the flaw in your logic! No-one dislikes Cher!

JAY: Ha! See the flaw in yours - what if I'd got Sonny Bono over for dinner.

LEE: Your powers of necromancy would indeed be powerful - he's been dead years.

JAY: He has?

LEE: Yes. Killed on a skiing holiday in 1998. Smacked right into a tree at speed. You could say-

JAY: Don't say it.

LEE: You could say it was his Last Big Hit!

JAY: You said it.

LEE: I said it.

JAY: Tsk. Well, how long's she going to be?

LEE: Oh, just a couple of days...

JAY: What, in the toilet? I'll bust by then!

LEE: No! Staying with us.

JAY: Oh.

LEE: So it's all right then?

JAY: I suppose so. But if she even goes near my Tanqueray Ten gin, there'll be hell to pay.

LEE: Oh she won't go near that. But I have a horrible feeling our electricity bill's going to be a bit higher this month... Where are you going?

JAY: To have a wee in the garden.

(pause)

LEE: Hang on - we haven't got a garden. Hey! Get out of my Busy Lizzy!


To Be Continued.

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